Videos of the Bub

My little girl sucking her thumb

My noisy and restless sleeper

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Going Veg

I've been vegan for a long time. The better part of two years and it's been great, but I'm now going back to being a vegetarian. While being a vegan was wonderful it just doesn't fit in with my lifestyle right now. It's just a little too strict to be worrying about what I'm going to eat when I'm taking care of a newborn. I'll never eat meat again (meat is murder) and I won't drink straight cow's milk or eat eggs (bleh), but I will eat things that are made with those ingredients (cakes, cream sauces, etc) on occasion. More or less only when I'm ordering out or going out to eat. At home it's much easier to prepare vegan meals. Last night I had pizza with cheese for the first time in a long time and I have to say that it was really yummy!

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A Whole New Kind of Scared

So I'm an adrenaline junkie...always have been. I've been skydiving, bungee jumping, jet skiing, quading, scuba diving, and trapezing on the West Side Highway. However, during all of that, I have never been as scared as I am in the 10 seconds after I put Isabella in her basinet. That paralyzing fear that she's going to wake up when I know she needs nothing more then to sleep.

I made a phone call to the doc today about my worries about colic and he confirmed the "rule of three" (three hours of crying/fussing a day, for three days a week, for three weeks and usually lasting three months). He said to keep a log of her sleeping and eating schedule and to note when she's fussy and call him in 2 weeks.

It's just so frustrating when she's fussing for hours and there's nothing I can do to calm her except nurse her, which mercifully, always works.

Did I mention that three is my least favorite number?

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Sick, but Not Tired

So I've been sick. Not "man sick" (you know when your husband has a drippy nose and acts as if he has the bubonic plague), but fever, chills, achey, sore throat sick. So I've had limited contact with Isabella, which was a lot harder then I anticipated it. Especially when I heard her crying and couldn't go to her. Andy's been great, he even took a day off of work to take care of her when my mother couldn't get here (car trouble). He's kept her downstairs at night so I could sleep and get better. So for the past 2 nights I got 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Something that I haven't had in a month. But today I'm feeling much better. No fever. No chills. No acheyness. No sore throat. I'm still taking it easy but I've been able to at least take care of the baby.

Since I haven't been nursing her the past few days, I've been exclusively pumping, which hasn't helped my low supply issues, but she's still latching on like a champ when I nursed her today.

On another note, I think she might be a bit colicky. I thought colicky babies cried on end for hours, but after doing some research colic is described as: Having to soothe your baby for more then 3 hours a day, for three days a week, for three weeks and having a very fussy baby for reasons that are unknown. She started off great, only crying when she was hungry, sleeping for 3-4 hours at a stretch, and not fussing. Once she hit 3 and a half/4 weeks things started changing. She wouldn't sleep hardly at all in the daytime and the sleep she did get was fragmented and short. She'll fuss a lot in the daytime and won't sleep anywhere but on someone. At about midnight she'll usually crash and finally go down. It's been nightmarish. I'm hoping that she'll turn around at about 6-8 weeks, so I just need to hang on until then. Say a little prayer.

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Pictures of Isabella

Chillin' in her swing

Hanging out with Dad

Playing in her gym. Ok well playing maybe pushing it, more like laying and staring at the bird that's hanging.

Going cross eyed because her Daddy is making her wear a Mets onesie when she's clearly a Yankee fan like her Mommy.

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Mommy Naked

Don't be fooled by the title of this post, I didn't have another public nip slip. I'm talking about being honest about motherhood and the insecurities that come along with it. Now let me get something out first, I'm not writing this post to shit glitter all over mommyhood. Obviously I love my daughter, this is just not a post about how I could spend 2 hours staring at her tiny toes (I've done this), this is just a realistic view about some of the things I personally feel insecure about or things I didn't expect. I feel like there's so much pressure to be the "perfect mom" in the eyes of others and that women are so afraid of being judged by other mother's that they put on a facade and try to act like they have it all together and know it all, when they have their head up their ass like the rest of us.

So here goes, I'm going to be mommy naked here. I get so paranoid when I take her out, like to IHOP or BRU, that she's going to start wailing and I'm not going to be able to comfort her and I'm gonna get the side-eye from strangers. Sometimes when she's fed and changed and cuddled and she's still crying I feel so incompetent that I can't comfort her and I don't know what she needs. At 3 am when I start to hear her whimpering, I say a prayer that she just goes back to sleep. I pray very hard. This prayer is never answered. I hate changing diapers. It's my least favorite motherhood task. I'll pawn it off on anyone who will take it.

Well that's it for now. I'm sure my list of worries and woes will continue to grow as she does.

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I Hate My Boobs

I've always hated my boobs. From 5th-7th grade I hated my boobs because they were non-existent. Then in 8th grade I hated them because they went from -A to D in a few months and all the boys teased me and the girls were mean to me and accused me of "stuffing" (bitches). Then in high school and college I hated them because they attracted a lot of negative attention from immature guys. I can't tell you how many conversations guys have had with my nipples instead of my face. Clothes don't fit right and I get lower back aches.

Now I hate these damn boobies because they're not making milk like they're supposed to. I mean as big as they are you'd think they would be swollen with milk...no such luck. From the beginning my supply was so low. We're supplementing with formula, which I know is not conducive to building a supply so keep the lectures to yourself you breast feeding know it alls. So I just keep nursing, pumping, eating tons of oatmeal (gag), and supplementing in order to make a plump happy baby.

Oh, and I want new boobs. Smaller more effective ones =)

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Two and a Half Weeks PP and The Ugly Truth

So this blog has been a little bit puppies and rainbows for a while and I think it's time to ugg it up. So let's talk about the dirty details of LDR (labor, delivery, and recovery).

Epidurals are awesome the only problem is getting into the position to get one. You need to stick your spine out and curve your body like the letter "C" which

would be easy if you weren't sporting a wa

termelon sized lump in your belly. I thought that I was gonna squish the baby out. The dr had to keep pushing my shoulders down and he was stressing how important it was for me not to move, which made me paranoid and I started shaking. It's no wonder I didn't paralyze myself. On a side note, the doc who gave me the epi was really cute except that he had a lazy eye and I didn't know where to look.

The delivery was pretty easy, but when I pushed I was so scared I was gonna crap on the table. I didn't, but I was really paranoid about it. And right after the baby came out a huge gush of liquids came out and it was really warm and wet and nasty.

Let's move on to recovery. The first time I stood up after having the baby a waterfall of blood came flowing out. I had to change my socks. I've been bleeding ever since. It's tapered off a lot but it's almost three weeks and I still need to wear a pad. My hemmies are still there and my belly is really soft and lose. I'm still sporting that nasty linea nigra and my belly button looks like a butt hole. Here are some PP pics. I tried to squeeze the belly flesh so you could see how loose it is. And there it is...the ugly truth.

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Baby's First Fourth

Happy 4th of July!!!

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Mom's Night Out

One of my best friends, Lara, is leaving on July 5th to spend the summer with her boyfriend in Israel. She'll be back in September for 2 weeks and then they're both moving to Australia together for two years. This is amazing for her, but very sad for me and our group of friends who are going to miss her terribly. We couldn't send her off without a proper tribute.

This was the first time I've been away from Isabella for more than an hour. I drove into Brooklyn, swearing I wouldn't badger Andy with phone calls. We had a nice long dinner and I had a cocktail, a mango martini, that was delish. And I kept my word...I didn't call and harass my husband, but I did text him and he seemed to be holding down the fort pretty well. After dinner we went to a bar and the other girls had a few drinks, I only had a beer since I had to drive back, but by this time I was itching to get home.

It was lots of fun going out with the girls, but it's different now. When you have a baby no one tells you that who you are changes. It made me a little bit sad, almost like I had to let go of the person I was before I had the baby. It's not necessarily a bad thing it's just different. I'm different. I feel like I need to get to know myself again as a different person.

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R'sgirl is My Hero

Ok so it's midnight and I just got the baby to sleep so why am I up and blogging? Because this couldn't wait until the morning.

I'm changing Isabella's diaper when my phone goes off. I finish what wiping and diapering, I rock the baby back and forth until I see that she's sleeping. I put her in her basinett and I see that the missed call is from my fellow PD R'sgirl. I'm thinking that something must be wrong b/c it's midnight, so I rush to listen to her voicemail.

Thankfully nothing was wrong, with her or the baby, but something was very wrong with the pictures that Andy uploaded for me on facebook. He uploaded a very sweet looking picture of me holding Isabella, the only problem was that my nipple was completely exposed under my shirt! I must have just finished nursing her. And it gets better. This same picture is the one that he framed for me and put in my living room. I didn't even look to notice it. Now I'm wondering how many random people have seen my nipple on facebook.

Mortifying! From now on I will be uploading my own pics. Thanks for the gesture though Andy.

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