Things Change

When I got pregnant I knew that life was about to change, what I didn't realize was how much it was going to change. I obviously knew that my sleeping habits would change. Gone are the days of grabbing my purse and going. Now it's: Wait for the baby to be fed and changed, pack up the diaper bag, get the car seat ready, and hope she's in a good mood.

What I didn't realize is just how much my relationships would change. The first few weeks my friends would call and send well meaning text messages and e-mails to see how Isabella and I were doing, but those have gradually tapered off. I've seen my close group of friends for dinners and such, but I've been seeing on facebook that they've been getting together and not inviting me. I understand that I probably couldn't or wouldn't want to go to everything any way, but it still bothers me that I wasn't even considered. I had a baby I didn't die and neither should my social life.

My life is different now. I'm different now. But a part of me is sad, almost mourning, for the person I was before I was a mother. Not saying that I would give up this life for my old one because life without Isabella is no life at all. But I'm slowly realizing that I can't have the life I had before and have a baby. My friends will always be my friends, but it's different then it was before. Our relationships and interactions are different. It's lonely sometimes.

Life is changed in so many ways. Some are so wonderful and others are more difficult. I'm trying to reconcile who I was with who I am, but it's hard to let go.

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I Think I'm Officially Desperate

Isabella was in such a great sleeping pattern. She'd take a few hour long naps everyday and then sleep from 9-9 with one feeding at 4am. It was perfect. However Wednesday night she slept for 4 hours and then woke up every 3 like clockwork. Last night she slept for 4 hours and then woke up every HOUR. I was ready to pull my hair out.

I'm not sure if I can blame this on a growth spurt. I know you're not supposed to compare babies, but so many other's have little one's who slept through the night way before this. I don't know what else to do. I wish someone would just tell me how to get and keep her sleeping. I go back to work in 12 days and I have a long commute. I'm seriously worried that I will fall asleep at the wheel if this continues.

I'll take any advice, except cry it out.

Oh and if one more person tells me that this will pass I'm gonna lose it.

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In My Mother's Eyes

Dear Mom,

The first time I looked into your eyes they were red rimmed and bleary from the fatigue of labor. They were brimming with tears. Tears of pain, fear, anxiety, but most of all unconditional love and amazement at what they had created. Over the next few weeks your eyes continued to tell your story. I could see them glinting with worry. Was I eating enough? Sleeping enough? I saw more tears spill out of them out of frustration and a sense of being more overwhelmed then you ever thought possible.

I saw your eyes come alive as I smiled at you for the first time. Every time you look at me I can see that love and hope for the future and what I will become. I may not be able to tell you now, but when you see that flash of recognition flash across my eyes, know that I love you.

Love,

Isabella

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Ouch!

Today Isabella had her first shots =( It was so sad. My poor baby girl had no idea what was coming. After the first shot her face scrunched up and she let out a wail that was unlike anything I've ever heard. It was heartbreaking. I cried a little too. I thought I wouldn't want to see it, but I didn't want to leave her there so I toughed it out. However, I do have to say that once it was over, she was ok. She calmed down and I even managed to get a little smile out of her when I was getting her dressed.

We're giving her tylenol every 4 hours but about 15-20 minutes before her next dose she'll cry a lot. It hurts me more then it hurts her I'm sure. No mother should have to listen to their child cry like that. It goes against nature.

On another note, my little girl isn't so little. 13lbs 8oz and 24 inches. Better too chunky then too skinny. She's been sleeping most of the day now.

Isabella sleeping on Grandma

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Getting To Know You

Isabella is growing up so fast and she's quickly forming her very own personality. She likes to be held and snuggled only to a degree and then she likes to kick back in her boppy and hang, but she wants you to still talk to her. I think she's going to be independent.

She likes what she likes. She won't take a pacifier. Seriously, when you put it in her mouth she scrunches up her face like you just gave her rat poisoning. She won't suck on it, she just kind of plays with it in her mouth and then gets super pissed off. What she will suck on is an upside down pinky (a tip from an LC at the hospital). So she loves to suck but only on my pinky, which is terribly inconvenient.

She loves mobiles of any kind and will stare at them as long as you let her.

She's not into lullabies and classical music. She likes Michael Jackson and various other pop songs. She's gonna be very hip.

She loves the water. The bath and the pool. Bath time is my favorite time of day. Andy actually asked me if he would ever get to give her a bath ever again. I haven't decided yet.

My little girl is becoming her very own little person and I love getting to know her.

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2 Months Old!

So this post is one day late but I had family over yesterday for a game night and I didn't have time to post Isabella's 2 month birthday pic, but I did remember to send out a picture message! I can't believe it's been two months already. What changes these past months have brought. Great changes: smiles, coos, and snuggles and not so great changes: loss of sleep, poopy diapers, and spit up. It's definitely been a roller coaster! We took her to the pool yesterday for the first time and she loved it. She splashed around and smiled. My cousin, her husband, and their 18 month old daughter were there too and it was lots of fun to see the girls together because I know that our families will do a lot of fun things together.

I take Isabella for her 2 month check up and shots (YIKES) on Monday so I'll update her stats then, but I'm sure she's a chunker as is evident by her multiple chins and thunder thighs. I was looking at the videos we took of her on her first day home and she was so tiny. I can't believe how big she's getting and how fast it's all going. I wish I could slow it all down, well except the nighttime, that I wish I could fast forward until she was sleeping through the night. Although, I'm sure at some point I'll look back at the night waking with nostalgia.

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Oh What a Night!

My sister Meaghan, my friends Brooke and Rosa all went to the O.A.R concert at Madison Square Garden last night and Andy was on baby duty. It rocked! We were sitting in a luxury box which means free food and beer. Afterwards we decided to go for drinks, although we were already half in the bag. Now I grew up in the city so I'm used to the subway, ya know, metro cards, turn styles, trains that run every 15 minutes. However now that I live in Jersey we had to take NJ transit which runs on a schedule. So our options were 1:40 am or 5:15 am. 1:40 is a little earlier then a night out usually winds up to be but we were really out of options.

So after two hours of jolly rancher shots, good music, and terrible dancing Meaghan and I said goodbye to our city dwelling friends and hauled ass to Penn Station to catch our train. However, we couldn't find the track that we needed to be on and we missed it!

Running in heels is no fun.

What were we gonna do? The next train wasn't for hours. So I called Andy to tell him that I would be taking a $100 taxi home. He told me to call my mom and if she would watch Isabella he would come and pick us up. My poor mom....thank God she lives close. I woke the poor woman up out of a dead sleep and she went to watch the baby.

So Meaghan and I are outside Penn waiting for Andy. It's only a 40 minute drive so after an hour pass we start to worry and we call him. He's stuck in traffic at the Lincoln Tunnel. Seriously. Traffic at 3am! So we wait and wait and wait. Finally at 4am he gets there. They had the whole thing shut down b/c of an accident. I didn't get home until 5am! FML

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Operation Skinny Me

I was thumbing through a fashion magazine, which I usually don't do because of two reasons:

1. Those models are too darn skinny and I don't like to hold myself to that unrealistic airbrushed standards

2. The clothes they wear are way too expensive for the combines salary of a third grade teacher and a cop.

However, my sister left one at my house and against my better judgement I decided to look through it and I have to admit, it inspired me. Those skinny little waif girls in their Jimmy Choo's and BCBG dresses made me realize that I need to get my rear in gear if I ever want to get out of pants with elastic waist bands.

So I've made a command decision to get fit and healthy. When I was pregnant, and well before, I ate organically, I was vegan, I exercised regularly, I wore nice clothes (although now I'll just settle for clean clothes), I felt good about myself. Since I had the baby I've gone hog shit wild and have been eating things that aren't healthy for me, I've reintroduced dairy into my diet, and the only exercise that I've done is haul Isabella's chunky butt up and down the stairs.

So no more processed foods, I'm going back to vegan (dairy doesn't agree with me anyway, and I felt really guilty eating it b/c of the standards of the dairy industry, but that's another post all together), more fruits and veggies, more water, and whenever I have time exercise.

It's not just about losing weight and looking good, but really about committing to a healthy lifestyle so I can be a good example for my daughter. Although it would be nice to banish these maternity pants for good...or at least until I'm expecting again.

I'll update my progress and set backs. My goal right now is to lose ten pounds and tone up a bit. Let's see how I do.

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Getting My Groove Back

Ok so let's get a little down and dirty today. After my my doctor cleared me for sex Andy and I were ready to go, but I was a little bit nervous. After all, it had been 7 weeks since there was anything going on down there and maybe even longer because my baby brain can't remember when we last had pregnant sex, not that third trimester sex is hot in any sense of the word. If you don't believe me hold a watermelon against your belly when you're trying to bump uglies.

So anyway, I'm planning on going back on birth control pills even though they wonk out your cycle, but I can't start taking them until I get my period so our method of choice was condoms. Yuck! I hate the way they feel and the way they smell, but what's a girl to do? I am in no rush to have another baby so you do what works.

So the first time after baby was a little nerve wracking because I was scared that it would hurt or that it wouldn't feel the same (I mean after all a 7 pound child came out of there). It did hurt a little bit but I think it was because I was so tense and the condom was uncomfortable for me. We actually stopped halfway through to lube up a bit.

Sex after baby is a whole new thing...it's gotten much more enjoyable, but it's a lot of planning now. No more spontaneous quickies on the washing machine. The baby needs to be fed, changed, and in a deep sleep before any shenanegans take place. It really is a whole new world, but at least it's one where sex exists again

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You Know You're a Mom When...

• Your clothes are covered in drool and spit up but you don't care.
• It's midnight and your baby is sleeping but you're awake pumping
• You lay down at night and honestly can't remember if you've brushed your teeth or not (gross, but true).
• You could smuggle a family of four in the bags under your eyes.
• You'd sell your soul to the devil for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
• When your heart has had enough and the only thing you want to do is give up, but you find strength that you didn't know you had.

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Flip Cup and Smiles

Yesterday Andy and I went to my friend Christina's BBQ. There wasn't a lot of people but it was all of my close girlfriends and their boyfriends. My mom watched Isabella. We played flip cup and I am happy to say that I haven't lost my touch during the 9 months of pregnancy when I was unable to play. If you don't know, flip cup is a super fun drinking game. Teams stand on opposite ends of the table and each player has a cup that has a little beer in it. The first player on each team downs the beer and has to flip the cup from upright to upside down. Once they succeed the next player goes and so on. The first team to finish their beer and flip their cups wins. I rocked it. My sister and I were also the champions of beer pong which is not as much fun.

Flipping cups

Playing Beer Pong with my sis

Isabella did not let me sleep straight though. My mom got her down at 9pm. She woke up for a bottle at 1am. Then she slept until 5, had a bottle and then woke up again at 7am. So she's sleeping but still waking up a lot to eat, which is fine.

Today I finally caught a social smile on camera. Every other time she smiled and I went to get the camera she wouldn't do it. So cute.

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PP Visit and A Little Insight

So yesterday was my first PP visit. I have officially lost 20lbs since I had Isabella. 10 more to go and I'll be very happy. When I got there I had to pee so badly that when they gave me the cup to pee into I put it on the counter and completely forgot to pee in it. The nurse looked at me like I had ten heads when I told her what happened. Such a dumb ass I am.

But everything is healed up nicely. My cervix is closed. My ute is back to it's right place and size. The bleeding that I still have at 7 weeks pp is totally normal if not completely annoying. I've been cleared for sex, tampons, and exercise. Woot! Lord knows I could use a little of all three right now.

I mentioned to her my issues with breast milk and she asked me if I was still taking the iron supplements that she told me to take when I was pregnant. I really haven't been keeping up with them. She told me that since I'm iron deficient that could be a problem in milk production and I should make sure I'm taking 50mg of iron daily. So hopefully that will help me. We'll see.

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My Anniversary!

Today is mine and Andy's 3 year anniversary. I can't believe how fast the time has gone and that we have our own family now. We're going to see Harry Potter and then have a quiet dinner at home with lots of wine =). Isabella will be spending the night at Grandma's, which is just down the block since my parents left Brooklyn and bought a house close to us. So I'll be getting some straight sleep tonight. Woot!

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The Battle for Breastmilk

I don't get it. I choke down nasty ass oatmeal everyday. I take 3 capsules of Fenugreek and 3 capsules of Blessed Thistle 3 times a day (there's that pesky number 3 again). I pump. I nurse for like 20 minutes on each side. But my supply is still in the shitter. I'll pump 1 ounce from each boob if I'm lucky. At the end of the day I'm lucky to get a half an ounce from each. I don't know what else I can do! I really don't want to have to go on medication to increase my supply.

Why is this so hard for some people and so easy for others?

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Whew...

It seems that the worst is over. After about two weeks of unexplained fussiness/crying and what I thought was for sure a three month sentence of colic the skies parted, the sun shone, and it all vanished back into the blackness from whence it came.

Ok well it wasn't quite as dramatic as that. I finished reading Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child by Dr. Weissbluth and I put into practice what he said and Oh. My. God. It works. We stick to no more then 1-2 hours of wakefulness and start to sooth Isabella to sleep when she shows signs of drowsiness trying our damnedest not to let her get into an overtired state in which she promptly turns into a wailing demon. And we swaddle. Why oh why did I ever stop swaddling when I brought her home from the hospital? I think it's because she tricked me into thinking she was a good little sleeper when in fact she wasn't. This combined with the baby crack machine and we're golden. Now she'll take several 45-2 hour naps in the day time and she'll sleep for 6 or 7 hours at night. Straight. And when she's awake she's sweet as sugar. She's alert and happy and ready to play. She still has a fussy time in the evenings but it's much shorter and much more manageable then it ever was.

If I ever run into Dr. Weissbluth I'm gonna have to let him have his way with me because he just saved my sanity. And the funny thing is, I don't think Andy would mind one bit.

My angel in her big girl crib. No more basinet for us.

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