There's something about the word "Cancer" that is completely leveling. It can knock the wind right out of you and bring you to your knees. It doesn't matter if it's surrounded by words like "95% survival rate" or "we caught it early," it's still the ugliest word you can imagine. So when I found out this week that my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer I was basically reduced to a puddle of tears on the floor.
Not only is my mom my best friend and my rock, she's also watches Isabella on the days that Andy works. She hangs out with us on the weekends. She lets Andy and me go on dates. My entire world has been ripped out from under me. I see what it's like now not to have help. To be completely alone.
She's scheduled to have surgery tomorrow to remove the mass in her colon. They'll then be able to tell if it's spread to the surrounding lymph nodes. Best case scenario, they remove the mass, no spreading, no chemo. Worst case, it spread and they need to do chemo and possibly a colostony bag. We just don't know right now.
And then I feel selfish because I'm worried that if she's not well enough to watch Isabella in September when I go back to work, what the hell am I going to do? Day care is expensive and when you combine it with the ridiculous amount I pay in tolls and gas commuting to nyc everyday I don't know if it would be worth it. But taking out my entire salary would cripple us. Andy says I'm thinking too far ahead, to just wait and see. Waiting and seeing has never been my strong point.
There's more I want to say. There's more that I'm feeling. But I'm exhausted and my brain wants to shut off. So that's it for now. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.