Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Episodes

I'm not a depressed person at all.  I like to have fun.  I like to smile.  But I would definitely describe myself as very sensitive, over analytical, and introverted.  I live up in my own head a lot and I tend to take things straight to the heart.  I can say this about myself.  A few years ago I couldn't.  I was angry at the world and thought that it and everyone in it was out to hurt me.  Well after a lot of spiritual soul searching, reading, praying, meditating yadda yadda yadda, I've realized that the only common denominator was me and I've worked/am working really hard on trying to clear out the negativity from my thoughts, body, and life.  Sometimes I rock at it and sometimes not so much.


However, every so often my hyper sensitivity kicks into high gear and for about a week or so I collect hurts.  A hurt could be a coworker giving me the stink eye when I pick up a group from her class.  It could be a friend not texting me back right away.  Maybe my principal didn't smile at me when she passed me in the hallway.  Perhaps I overheard someone inviting someone else to something and not including me.  Things that shouldn't bother me and are kind of borderline silly all of a sudden do.  And then after about a week of collecting these perceived hurts I spend a day or two in overspill; where it all kind of spills out.  I call it an "episode".

I cry.  I don't want to do anything but lie around on the couch and watch TV.  I can't be bothered to get dressed in anything resembling anything coherent.  I don't want to answer my phone or really talk to anyone. I drink more wine than usual. I eat food that is horribly fattening.  I'm not myself.  I'm sad and lonely and just really down.  After a day or so it's over, I feel more myself, and I almost feel sort of silly and embarrassed about how I carried on.

Sometimes it coincides with that oh so special time of the month and sometimes it doesn't.  If you ask my sister she'll swear on a stack of Bibles that I'm bi-polar, but I don't think so mostly because I'm never really "manic."  And my episodes are fairly infrequent.  I don't know if I'm certifiably bat shit crazy, completely hormonal, or just totally normal.
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5 comments:

TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

Completely normal! Or, if you're not normal, then neither am I. I usually am not super bothered by those things either but sometimes I just get in a mood, or a funk, whatever you want to call it, and then those little things add up to big things that I let pull me down.

The Bipolar Diva said...

you sound totally normal to me and I think I know a little about bipolar!

Mrs. Trophy Wife said...

I think it's totally normal. Really. I do the same thing. As adults, were dealt so many hands that sometimes, it's just like, you have to kind of melt down to de-compress.

Kelli said...

Totally normal. It's like I was reading about myself!

misssrobin said...

I've dealt with bad PMS since I was fourteen. It's excalated into full blown PMDD now. PMS shares a lot of syptoms with bi-polar, but cyclical.

Also, your period isn't the only time your hormones fluctuate. It might happen when you ovulate (like my daughter), or right before, or during your period.

I've also noticed that if I have several kinds of stress going on in my life everything gets harder. Feeling a little sick, plus money stress, plus a fight with my husband and anything will make me cry. Lack of sleep is a big one.

It is a common problem. If it gets to the point where it's really bothering you or interferes with your life, I would suggest investigating further. Maybe talk to your doctor. It's all about degrees.

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