Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Shadows

In those first bleary eyed, depressed months if you would have asked me I would have told you that the woman I was before I had Isabella died in the delivery room.  Morbid huh? But that's exactly how I felt.  My life was so completely turned upside down that I didn't know myself anymore, couldn't recognize one part of me except the part that so desperately wanted her life back.  I wanted sleep, I wanted time alone with my husband, I wanted to fit into my going out clothes and, well, go out.

Now that time has passed and I've acclimated, albeit a bit disfunctionally, to motherhood I can tell you that I didn't die in that delivery room, I was just reborn a different person; a mother.  A role that I violently resisted at first because it was everything I wasn't.  All of a sudden I had to be patient, to think of someone before I thought of myself, I had no free time, I was different.  I've come to embrace the woman I am now and I can unequivocally say that I'm a wonderful mother to Isabella, despite my shortcomings, and I may even go as far to say that I'm a better person now as well since I don't have the luxury of blowing smoke up my own ass any more.

BUT

There are times when I still feel a shadow of who I was lurking around in there.  If the sun is shining bright enough and a great song comes on the radio I can almost pretend that I'm not encumbered my my new responsibilities.  If the facebook status of a friend is inspiring enough I might be able to almost pretend that we still hang out and are free.  If I squint hard enough and the lighting is just right, the crinkles at the corners of my eyes seem to fade and I look like the girl I used to be:  hopeful, expectant, passionate, and a bit fickle.  And it makes me feel something.  A stirring maybe.  I can't quite put my finger on it which is a shame because it's fleeting.

It makes me think of my core group of friends and how connected we used to be.  I wonder if they share that same connection.  Do they still go out for drinks?  Have dinner at Thai restaurants?  Meet for breakfast at Puritan?  Do they talk on the phone?  Do they have game night?  I sure hope so.  I may only be around for birthday's and holidays but I remember what it was like to feel like you belonged, like you were a part of something that was bigger than yourself.

I guess I never died or was reborn, I just changed, hesitantly at first, but more gracefully now.  But I can still see the shadows.
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11 comments:

Emily said...

Childbirth is definitely an experience that nothing prepares you for. I didn't even have experience holding or taking care of a baby until someone put my own in my arms.

Renaissance means to be reinvented but at its core it means re-birth, so maybe there is some truth there too.

msposhb said...

Stopping by via the Tuesday Hop to say hello.

Have a great day!
http://poshonabudget.com/2010/12/happy-tuesday-2.html

Alison said...

Moving post. There is nothing that even compares to motherhood or that prepares you for it. Thanks for sharing.

New follower from the hops!

Alison
http://stuff-and-nonsense.net

Jenny said...

I could have written this myself...but it probably wouldn't have been so well written :)

Kelly L said...

Becoming a parent changes things - Getting married was a big one for me.. I was the first to marry in my core group of friends.. and I was excluded from many outings.. because I was married.. Then when I became a parent - the same thing kind of happened... my married friends without kids kind of distanced themselves but it's funny that when my friends got married and my friends had kids - how we all reconnected again...
Love to you- your newest stalker
Kelly
I've Become My Mother

Gen said...

It really change one life to another. I will have my second baby next month. A new follower form Follow Me Back Tuesday. See you.

You can visit here

Ashley Marie said...

Beautiful words. I think we all feel like that at one point. For me it was when I moved away from home, I could no longer hang out with my friends in person and the phone just wasn;t the same so we quickly grew apart.

Glad that you are starting to feel better though. I hear babies are so worth it. Love her name by the way!

Karen said...

So glad to find this blog on FMBT... hoping you stop by and follow me back.

Lil'Misa said...

Beautifully written.

I feel the same way but could never write as nicely as you did. There are times I think of my old self and wish my life was like that for just a moment. I miss the days of going out with my girls and knowing after their everyday lives. However, I love being a mom and it fits me right now.

Angie said...

Great post! I think becoming a mom changes everything. I love the person I have become, but need to channel my inner 20 year old every once in awhile!

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