Friday, April 27, 2012

It's Over

Last week I wrote about the fact that my baby was measuring two weeks behind with no heart beat.  Well it's been a long road since then.  So here's the full story.  I had some minor brownish pink spotting with a smear of bright red blood two days after the initial visit.  I left work early.  I didn't tell my boss or anything, I wanted to keep things private.  The doctor said my cervix was still closed and that it all looked normal and then they took some blood work.  The next day the nurse called me and told me that my hcg levels were dropping and that I should prepare to miscarry.  I grieved for that sweet life and all the dreams I had for that baby.  But as I said, with the sudden stop of pregnancy symptoms a week after my bfp I had an inkling that something wasn't right from the start.

I went to the dr on Tuesday to confirm with an ultra sound that I had a blighted ovum, which is when the egg and sperm fertilize but never develop an embryo. I was told that I could choose to miscarry naturally or go into the hospital for a d&c, where they would evacuate the uterus. I decided that I wanted to miscarry naturally. The doctor said that I could wait for 2 weeks and if it didn't happen by then I would have to go for the procedure.

Wednesday morning I started bleeding lightly and I was happy that my body was doing what it was supposed to and I could avoid the surgery. But at lunch my doctor's office called me and told my my hcg levels were going up slightly instead of decreasing which is a sign that the pregnancy is ectopic (happening outside of the uterus). I needed to come to the hospital right away for an urgent d&c.

I was so upset that I had to go to the hospital. I was coming to terms with the fact that I had lost my baby, but I was so upset that I couldn't even miscarry in the way that I wanted, but if left untreated an ectopic pregnancy can cause the fallopian tube to burst which could cause me to bleed to death internally so the doctor was insistent that I have the procedure that day.

I spent about 6 hours in the hospital and the procedure went fine and was relatively painless. When I woke up from the anesthesia I had mild cramping like a regular period. At this point the pathologist was analyzing the tissue that was extracted during the surgery. If it had something called villi it would be considered a normal uterine pregnancy in which I could just go about my business. This was really really what I was hoping for. If it didn't have villi it would be confirmed that the pregnancy was in fact ectopic and I would need further treatment.

And because God isn't without a sense of humor, the results came back that the tissue had no villi and they needed to treat me for an ectopic pregnancy. The doctor gave me two shots of a drug called methrorexate. This is a drug typically used for chemo therapy. It attacks the fast growing cells of the embryo in my fallopian tube and breaks it down so that my body can reabsorb it. This is done to avoid laproscopic surgery so that I can save my tube and preserve my fertility. I'll have to go in often to monitor the levels of hcg in my blood. Once they drop down to less than 5 they consider the drug successful, right now my levels are about 1,700. If the drug is unsuccessful I'll have to have the surgery anyway. There's still an excellent chance they can remove the embryo without removing the tube. I also have to be extra vigilant to any pain or dizziness that would make me think that the tube burst so I don't, ya know, die.

I just couldn't have asked for worse news. Now that I've had one ectopic pregnancy my chance rises from a 1 in 100 chance to a 1 in 10 chance for a repeat ectopic. And I just don't know if I can go through this again. It feels like my own body betrayed me. I couldn't have the baby I wanted, I couldn't have the miscarriage I wanted, and now I have to wait until this drug is out of my system before we even start trying again because it can cause birth defects. I've had so many shots this past week and now I'll have to go several times a week for God knows how long to monitor my levels. It just really really sucks.
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14 comments:

lilmisa said...

((Hugs))

I am so sorry. I am in tears reading this post. So unfair. :(

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

ShorT1882 said...

I'm thinking of you Melissa, I am so so sorry you had to endure this.

Mrs. H said...

So sorry for your loss. A loss at any stage is difficult. Sorry you had to go through something like this.

bonnie-bonnbonnboutiqe.blogspot.com said...

I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. Hang in there.

Bethany said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your pain and heavy heart. I will be thinking of you and your family!

Danielle said...

Melissa, I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you. I'm keeping you in my prayers (((hugs))) xoxoxo

Kaymee said...

Huge hugs and love sent your way!

Jill said...

I am so sorry my sweet mama. I was thinking about you. I am so sorry. <3 <3 <3 please be gentle with yourself.

mtendere said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I wish there were better words. It just isn't fair. Thoughts and prayers for you.

Madonna said...

I am so sorry. A loss at any stage is difficult. You will continue to be in my thoughts. *hug*

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

I am SO sorry. I know that there probably isn't anything anyone can say to ease the pain. Hang in there mama! I will continue to pray for you. This too shall pass.

April G said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the fact that you have to go through all of this. I wish you a speedy physical recovery (I know the emotional recovery will take much longer). :hugs:

misssrobin said...

Oh, Melissa. I am so sad for you. I have just read through a bunch of your posts to get to this one. This horrible news. There is so much pain in this post. My heart is breaking for you.

I know it will hurt for a long time. I hope you find moments of peace to get you through. I'm sorry for the ache in your heart. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

Dorothy Parker said...

Sad to read your story Melissa, we women should really about Pregnancy; its signs, symptoms and everything. Take a look at this link, this is my review on Ectopic Pregnancy Symptoms.

Regards,
Dorothy

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