Saturday, April 28, 2012

Remembrance

On December 3, 2012 I should have been bringing home a baby.  A son.  Once those two lines turned pink, the image in my mind was always of a squishy baby boy, with a mop of brown hair.  I imagined Christmas time with an infant.  I could visualize Andy and I bleary eyed from being up all night, sipping coffee and laughing while Isabella tears open her presents and the new baby dozes, finally, in his boppy.

I imagined what the summer would be like with a 4 year old and a 7 month old.  How we could all go swimming in the pool together and have BBQ's out on the deck.  I thought about what kind of costume I would wear to my annual Halloween party with a belly that was full and swollen with life.  I imagined  what Thanksgiving would be like as a family of 4, with an almost one year old.  All of the boys playing football inside and the kids all playing together.

Will anyone remember that sweet life that will never be?

This baby was alive to me.  I'm not talking about life at the cellular level, I know his heart had never had a chance to beat.  I know that he was growing outside of my womb.  I'm talking about life in the greater sense.  As soon as a woman becomes pregnant, she has a child.  My baby was alive and now he is dead and I don't want to forget him.  I don't want to move past this.  Of course I want to heal and have another baby, but I can't forget this child that was with me for such a short time.  Whose short life ended before we ever got to meet.

I hope this babe knew the sound of my heart and the strength of my love.  I want to remember.  I want everyone to remember.



"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."

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12 comments:

bmoreinmemphis said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. Thoughts and prayers.

mtendere said...

Grieve as much as you need to. Hugs and prayers for you.

lady gray said...

tears and love for you and your babe, mama.

Stephanie said...

Hugs.....

Tammy said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sending you long distance hugs and prayers, and we won't ever forget.

Stefani said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this - it is heart breaking and it will take time to grieve this loss. It's been nearly a year since I lost our second baby (and I was certain it was a boy as well) and sometimes the pain still catches me off guard. I think that this post was beautiful written and you've managed to share a small part of the anguish that mothers feel at the loss of a child. Just know that you are not alone in this... the pain eases with time but you will never forget that baby or the life that could have been. Hugs to you my dear.

Here are my words from a year ago... I think you'll find that you're not alone in your thoughts.

<3 Stefani

http://derekandstefani.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-dont-know-which-is-worse.html

http://derekandstefani.blogspot.com/2011/05/tears-in-heaven.html

Blond Duck said...

I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

Tara said...

Beautiful post.

It's true that from the moment we find out we are pregnant, we imagine life with that baby. What that baby will be like.

ShorT1882 said...

My heart is with you Melissa. (((hugs))) as you work through this time...

doseofreality said...

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine your pain, but I know that it is real, and I know that it hurts. Thinking of you.

Danielle said...

I am so sorry Melissa. I know the pain all too well. I will keep you in my prayers, it's so unfair. XOXOXO

Eclipsed said...

I really can't thank all of you enough for your support. It means so much to me.

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