Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This is not the post I'm supposed to write

This was not supposed to be written.  Today I was supposed to come beaming in here and announce my pregnancy to all of you.  I was going to fill out a 7 week survey, show a picture of an u/s, and even upload a belly pic so in many months from now we can see where my big belly started from.  But this is not that post.

I found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks ago, maybe a little less.  I was overjoyed because it happened right away and with Isabella it took a few months.  But yesterday, I went to the doctor's for my first u/s and appointment.  When I had my first u/s with Isabella the tech eagerly pointed out the heart beat, the sac, all of it.  This time the tech started out very informative, "this is your ovary, I'm measuring your cervix, here is the gestational sac," and then...silence.  I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong.  When the doctor came in I could just see it on her face that something was up and when her leading question is, "Do you have any pain or bleeding?" I knew something was up.

I'm supposed to be 6 weeks 6 days (although that's based on a 28 day cycle, but I have 26 day cycles so I should probably be measuring closer to 7w1d), but the wee babe was only measuring 5 weeks 1 day, which puts me at almost 2 weeks behind with no heart beat.  I think the doctor saw me about to completely fall apart in the examination room.  She told me that she's still optimistic and that I shouldn't worry.  I need to go back next week to see if I've made a week's growth.

I'm really trying to keep my shit together, but to be perfectly honest, I feel kind of crushed right now.  I know it's early in the pregnancy, but I had dreams for this baby.  S/he was going to be due right before Christmas.  Andy and I would talk about how wonderful Christmas would be with a tiny new baby to spoil.  We talked about what life would be like with two littles around the house.  And I can't help but feel like that dream is slipping away from me.

If I'm honest, deep down I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy from the beginning.  I felt "typical" pregnancy symptoms for a few days, fatigue, nausea, sore boobs, and mood swings.  But they quickly, and abruptly, stopped.  Then I just kind of felt normal.  A little bit more bloated than usual, but nothing else, but I'm not giving up hope, I'm just being cautiously optimistic.

Obviously if you know me in real life, please nothing on facebook.  I wasn't sure if I was even going to write about this, but I'm not going to censor myself because people I know read this blog.  This is something real that I'm going through, and while for now it might be my own private hell, writing about it makes me feel better and maybe I can draw on some of your strength.

So this wasn't the post I was supposed to write.  I was supposed to be writing about my happiness and not my sorrow.  But this is the post where I ask for all of your prayers, thoughts, and good growth vibes.
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16 comments:

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

I'm SO sorry! I can only imagine the stress you must be feeling. There is still a good chance that you ovulated later than you think and the baby will be just fine. Try to hold on to that. Prayers & happy thoughts heading your way!

Katie said...

I've been in your place twice and I know how awful you feel right now. Hug Isabella extra tight and think positive thoughts...I really hope that you get good news next week.

Kaymee said...

I hate this for you :(

I am hoping your dates are just off and your little babe is growing strong!

:::hugs:::

Sweet Southern Love said...

Praying hard for you and your family!

Jill said...

I am so sorry sweet mama.

I had a blogger friend and BLM friend just recently announce losing her little bean at 13 weeks. My heart broke for her.

There is still hope tho sweet mama. I am praying for you.

Lindsey Brackett said...

I will say a prayer for you right now...

MissH said...

I've been where you are and I'm praying for you

MissH said...

I've been where you are and I'm praying for you

ShorT1882 said...

I'm thinking of you Melissa....lots of strong baby (and mama) vibes your way

Bethany said...

Keeping my fingers crossed and saying lots of prayers. Keep your chin up!!

Danielle said...

Melissa I'm sending prayers and love your way. (((hugs)))

Madonna said...

As someone in your situation a couple of months ago, my heart goes out to you. I truly hope that you receive good news next week at your appointment.

CrazyBabyTalk said...

I know it's all easier said than done, but keep your chin up. I'm sorry you're going through this :(

Stefani said...

I had to write an almost identical post on May 4th last year... I'm sorry that you are going to have to suffer through the next week and I know you'll spend every second wondering and worrying. I'll be thinking about you and hoping for the best... <3

Jo said...

O Melissa! So sorry you did not get to write the post you wanted.
Thinking of you and hoping for the best along with you. Big huggs

jamie said...

Melissa, you are a strong woman! It takes a lot of courage to write about it. But you have me prayers. And I wish you all the best wishes. Hugs!

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