Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Bitter, Party of 1

I'm angry.  And bitter.  It's not fair what happened to me.  I should be 10 weeks pregnant right now complaining of morning sickness and heart burn, examining my stomach in the mirror to see if I've sprouted a bump.  I shouldn't be recovering from a d&c, I shouldn't have to be terrified of a tube rupture because of an ectopic pregnancy, I shouldn't be wishing for a period to come so I can be that much closer to TTC again.

I'm basically throwing a 29 year old temper tantrum and raging at the universe because I didn't get what I wanted.

I'm also being bitter.  I hate begrudging other people's happiness and it's usually so unlike me, but lately I've been avoiding people I know are pregnant.  I've been all, "Why does Snooki get to have a baby and not me?"  I've actually gone so far as to schedule a doctor's appointment at a particular time so as to avoid a run in with a woman whose due date would have been right near mine.  It's ugly and I hate it because it's not who I am.

And I'm also pretty pissed off that I still can't have any alcohol (the methotrexate is processed by the liver and I can't over tax it), exercise (what if I think the pain is from exercise but it's really a tubal rupture), or have sex (the discharge papers from the hospital said "nothing in the vagina").  I'm mad that  I don't have my normal life with my normal schedule with normal doses of wine.

I need to remind myself that just because someone else has something that's good, it doesn't mean that they stole it away from me.

This was real.  Just because the baby never lived doesn't make it any less real.  

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5 comments:

Mrs. H said...

I think being an IFer I've had more than my few share of these rants over the years. But I do agree with your positive spin on it in the end. Chin up.

Madonna said...

You have every right to rant and feel the way that you do. I felt the same way. When I was in the hospital having my miscarriage confirmed, a FB friend posted that she had a positive pregnancy test. I blocked her a few days later because it was too painful to see her posts and congratulations.

I hope you get to drink your nightly wine soon. I think I drowned my sorrows in alcohol until we could start TTC again. Sending positive thoughts to you during this difficult time.

Stephanie said...

You rant away, I for one think it helps. Sending hugs...

Dreams Do Come True said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage back in Feb. and I have struggled with a lot of different emotions. How far along were you ? I was around 11 weeks.

You can read my story here http://tinyurl.com/7gg3mbr

and don't forget to follow my blog @
Dreams Do Come True http://happilyeverafter-tiffany.blogspot.com/

mtendere said...

Just offering hugs and support. It's not fair at all.

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