I'm angry. And bitter. It's not fair what happened to me. I should be 10 weeks pregnant right now complaining of morning sickness and heart burn, examining my stomach in the mirror to see if I've sprouted a bump. I shouldn't be recovering from a d&c, I shouldn't have to be terrified of a tube rupture because of an ectopic pregnancy, I shouldn't be wishing for a period to come so I can be that much closer to TTC again.
I'm basically throwing a 29 year old temper tantrum and raging at the universe because I didn't get what I wanted.
I'm also being bitter. I hate begrudging other people's happiness and it's usually so unlike me, but lately I've been avoiding people I know are pregnant. I've been all, "Why does Snooki get to have a baby and not me?" I've actually gone so far as to schedule a doctor's appointment at a particular time so as to avoid a run in with a woman whose due date would have been right near mine. It's ugly and I hate it because it's not who I am.
And I'm also pretty pissed off that I still can't have any alcohol (the methotrexate is processed by the liver and I can't over tax it), exercise (what if I think the pain is from exercise but it's really a tubal rupture), or have sex (the discharge papers from the hospital said "nothing in the vagina"). I'm mad that I don't have my normal life with my normal schedule with normal doses of wine.
I need to remind myself that just because someone else has something that's good, it doesn't mean that they stole it away from me.
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| This was real. Just because the baby never lived doesn't make it any less real. |
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5 comments:
I think being an IFer I've had more than my few share of these rants over the years. But I do agree with your positive spin on it in the end. Chin up.
You have every right to rant and feel the way that you do. I felt the same way. When I was in the hospital having my miscarriage confirmed, a FB friend posted that she had a positive pregnancy test. I blocked her a few days later because it was too painful to see her posts and congratulations.
I hope you get to drink your nightly wine soon. I think I drowned my sorrows in alcohol until we could start TTC again. Sending positive thoughts to you during this difficult time.
You rant away, I for one think it helps. Sending hugs...
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage back in Feb. and I have struggled with a lot of different emotions. How far along were you ? I was around 11 weeks.
You can read my story here http://tinyurl.com/7gg3mbr
and don't forget to follow my blog @
Dreams Do Come True http://happilyeverafter-tiffany.blogspot.com/
Just offering hugs and support. It's not fair at all.
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