Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Crawling Out of My Hole

I basically spent all weekend curled up and tucked away inside myself.  Friday my mom took Isabella to a princess ball at a local museum.  Saturday my two girlfriends came over to help out with Isabella and on Sunday my parents took her to a family party that I bowed out of.  So I did have a lot of time that I needed to myself.

I just needed to feel sad.  To really get down deep into my grief and fear.  Not only to mourn this baby that I lost, but also the time to process and worry about my own health.  Will this pregnancy rupture?  Will I lose my tube?  Will I bleed to death?  What if it burst in my sleep and I don't feel it and I die?  What if I get pregnant again and this happens again?  Will I be able to get pregnant again?  Will the shot work?  Will my hcg levels go down?

Question after question.  Fear after fear. Uncertainty after uncertainty.

So I hunkered down and swam in my fears.  I didn't run from them, I wallowed in them.  I stuck close by my pain and let it drown me.  I wore baggy, formless clothes.  I wrapped myself in soft blankets.  I depleted the remaining Cadbury Cream egg supply.  I cried.  I ate.  I worried.

Yesterday I crawled out of that hole.  I woke up for work.  I did my hair.  I wore new clothes.  On the way to work I prayed.  I don't think I've prayed much since this started.  I was never particularly upset or angry with God, but I can't say that I was pleased with Him.  I prayed for strength to get through this.  I prayed that I wouldn't stay ugly and bitter.  I prayed to be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I counted my blessings.  I said affirmations.

I felt better.  Not good.  Not normal.  But better.  I think being in my hole was really helpful.  Sometimes we need to cocoon up with our pain and allow ourselves to feel every gut wrenching emotion without guilt or censorship.
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10 comments:

Wiley said...

Yeah whole climbing! I declared just this morning that I was abandoning my pity party of one and rejoining the interactive masses. Go us :-)

Amaryllis said...

You definitely need to feel your feelings so that they can be released. If that means wallow for a bit, then so be it. Just don't let yourself get stuck. Getting dressed up for work or Andy or Isabella is a good thing. The best advice I can give you is to take one day at a time. It is so hard, but try not to think too much into what may or may not happen in the future. Right now, your body and your mind need you to take care of yourself. And just count each day as a blessing especially since you have Isabella and Andy. <3

Kaymee said...

You've been in my thoughts, Momma!! (((HUGS)))

lady gray said...

good job taking time to take care of yourself and your heart, mama. it is so easy as moms to deny that we need that time, and you embraced it and i am proud of you and glad for you.

that said, i'm still sending you daily love and hugs, and am so sorry you have to go through this at all.

bailey j said...

sending you happy vibes. you're in my thoughts. x

bailey.

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Beautiful post. So glad you are moving forward. I can't even imagine what you are feeling. {{HUGS}}

Melinda@LookWhatMomFound...and Dad too! said...

we all have to mourn, grieve and get through things our own way. Do what feels best for you and don't let anyone tell you to get over it.
stopping by from sits

doseofreality said...

I think sometimes it is okay to just go completely inside for a while. More power to you for recognizing that is what you needed and honoring that for yourself. Hugs.

The Dolls Are Alright said...

Bravo for taking the time you wanted and needed to mourn, to fear, to grieve, to cry and to eat chocolate. So important. I do hope that each day brings a little more "better."

Caitlin MidAtlantic said...

You are definitely doing the best thing for yourself, by allowing yourself to be sad. Take your time and mourn. It's healthy. I'm so glad your family has been able to help out with Isabella to give you the time you need. HUGS!

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