Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's the Strangest Things

After losing this baby to an ectopic pregnancy there is a lot of sadness.  Sometimes it's found in the obvious places, like when I think about Christmas and how I should have had a squalling new bundle at home under the tree.  Or when I think about how I was looking at Halloween costumes that would accommodate my growing belly.  Or when I go shopping for new clothes for summer and I think about how I should be wearing maternity clothes then.

But sometimes it's the strangest and smallest things that catch me off guard and take my breath away.  Like when I was organizing under my bathroom sink and I saw a box of tampons.  That makes me sad because now I have to have my period.  Or when I had a beer (between finding out about the miscarriage and learning it was ectopic, no alcohol for me now thanks to my good friend methotrexate) and it tasted like bile because I was supposed to be pregnant, not drinking.

Or when I realize that there's so many people that are close to me, that I love, that will never know.  Maybe someday I'll be able to tell them, but now I just can't talk about it.  The words catch in my throat and stick there, like a fly on a web.  What do you say anyway?  I was pregnant now I'm not.  My baby died.  I could have died.  How do you look at a friend who you love and tell them that?

I was looking through my work calendar today and I was wondering why I had circled May 22.  I didn't have a meeting or a deadline for paperwork.  Oh, right, that's the day I would have been able to announce my pregnancy.

There's just a lot of sadness around me.  My blog has become a bit macabre, but it reflects my life.  When I'm happy and silly the blog is light.  When I'm sad, it's heavy.  We're in a heavy stage my friends.
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4 comments:

Mrs. H said...

I can relate to your pain. I hope you are able to find your joy again but for this moment, this stage I hope for you strength.

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

This is the true beauty of having a blog. It's a place for you to release it all - to let go of everything on your mind and in your heart that you are too scared to say in the "real world." Keep it coming girl! I'm sure there are many of us reading your blog who want to support you in your darkest moments. Especially if you feel like you can't vent to your family and friends. This is my favorite thing about the blogging community. Loves!

Melinda@LookWhatMomFound...and Dad too! said...

my mother had an ectopic pregnancy, it ruptured, in front of me. It was one of scariest things in my life, I remember it vividly. Use the people around you to help you through it. You are grieving, you are allowed, and people will understand your pain. I'm so sorry.

April G said...

I'm glad that you at least have a blog to express all these feelings on, especially when you're not sure what or how to say things to family and friends. You need a space in which to grieve. *hugs*

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