Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A Letter to the Lost

Dear Lost One,

Two months have past since I lost you, but in a blink of an eye I can go back to the day I found out you would never take a breath, that I would never hear your cry, that you would never take your uncertain and wobbly first steps.  I can only hope that, even though your life was brief, that you could feel the power of my love.  It's a love that only a mother can feel for a baby.

Sometimes I feel everyone thinks I should be over it.  No one ever asks anymore how I'm doing or how I'm feeling.  Things have gotten much easier but sometimes out of nowhere I am struck by the raw pain and reality of losing you.  Like when I was packing up the attic and found my old maternity clothes or at your sister's birthday party when I realized that I should be proudly sporting a 16 week bump, or when I see two small sisters dancing together and I'm reminded that I've failed to provide that bond for Isabella.

I can relive every moment of it with such vivid clarity that I'm sure remembrance is the sweetest curse.  I can remember knowing something was wrong long before a doctor told me so.  I remember the bruises from the countless blood draws.  I remember sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office surrounded by women whose bellies swelled with promise.  I remember biting back the tears that burned in my eyes when I was talking to the doctor about the methotrexate.  Sometimes I relive it at night like a movie that I can't turn off, like a ghost that haunts me.

Most days I'm ok.  Most days I'm happy.  Most days I miss you less than the day before.  But you will always be a part of me.  A part of me that knows what it means to understand loss.  A part that will always count you as her baby.  My sweet little lost one.
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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Living Like a Vagranat

Isabella has a shit ton of clothes
We close on our house.  On Friday.  Which means I've been insanely busy trying to get my house packed up.  Packing with a toddler preschooler is fun.  It's not your traditional sense of fun, like monopoly, water balloons, or watching your drunk friend fall down on the dance floor, but it's more the type of fun that sends you to the bathroom to literally tear out your hair and has you crying for a cup that is at least 40% alcohol by volume at noon.

Anastasia Steele has her inner goddess and sub-conscious, whelp I have my inner type A and right now she's spazzing out in the corner and convulsing into her merlot.  I think it might have something to do with the fact that I'm surrounded by boxes and bins, tissue paper, packing tape, and garbage bags.  My floors are dirty and I feel like I'll never finish.

The cherry on this cupcake is that while we've managed to sell our lovely home, we have not found one to live in which means that we are preparing to be homeless.  However, the thought of their daughter, grand daughter and son in law living on the streets of a New Jersey suburb proved too much for my parents to bear so they are letting us live with them for the summer until we can find something and close on it.

The fun continues.

I'm 30.  I've been living on my own for the past 6 years.  I'll be spending the summer with my parents.  My parents whom I love, but really?  Really?  This is happening.  Good bye to privacy and to days that are unencumbered by questions.

This is my mom: "Are you hungry?  Thirsty?  Cold?  Do you want me to open a window?  Do you want tea?  What are you doing today?  Where are you going?  Who is going with you?  Where is that?  What time will you be home?  Do you want me to come with you?  Did you pack a sweater for the baby?"  Albeit this stems from love, but it was annoying when I was 10, 16, and I'm certain that it's still going to be annoying now.

This is my dad:  He'll be at the far end of the table on his computer, I'll walk into the opposite end of the kitchen for a drink, "Oh am I in your way?"  "No Dad"  "Are you sure because I can just move.  Here let me move my stuff."  "Dad I'm just getting a drink and going to watch TV"  "No it's ok I moved."

This is my real life.

I figure most of my summer will be spent in a drunken haze, looking for houses, and taking advantage of live in baby sitting.

It's the packing right now that I'm worried about the most.  We're still living here until Wed/Thursday so I still need some stuff (like toys, cooking junk, and clothes), but I'm fighting the urge to pack everything that we own in boxes and be done with it.

I hate being so unorganized and chaotic.  It makes me frazzled.

Deep breaths.  I can do this.  I think.
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Monday, June 25, 2012

An Onslaught of Party Pics

As you know Isabella just turned 3 and I finally uploaded her party pics.  We had her party at Bounce U, which is a really fun bouncy house place, for some of her friends.  I usually just host the parties out because honestly, it's probably cheaper, and creating a theme and baking and decorating myself really just isn't up my ally, although I do enjoy pinning ideas for DIY birthday parties.  Big props to the mamas who love that stuff.  Then we had a small party on the day of her birthday with just us, my parents, and my sister.  Fun stuff.  Although all she really cared about was the cake.

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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Happy 3rd Birthday to Isabella

Today my sweet girl turns 3 and I couldn't be happier or more proud of the little girl she's become.  She's so smart and sweet and fresh.  I'll post more about her birthday party and what she's up to, but for right now I just want to remember how far she's come and how far I've come as a mother.

Happy Birthday baby girl.


My 1 year old pork chop

Mastering the dirty look at 2

Try getting my 3 year old big girl to sit still

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Monday, June 18, 2012

To The Breaking Point

I'm linking up again with Sally from Exploits of a Military Mama today for Body after Baby.  Today I'm talking about pushing your limits and going all in when it comes to fitness.  There have been so many times that I went to the gym just to say that I went to the gym.  I was physically there and going through the motions, but really just phoning it in.

You've been there right?  It's 5:00 pm on a Monday evening and you've been pretty beaten down by the day, and you're on the treadmill and you're thinking, "Oh hey, I'll just walk today instead of running" or "I'll just do some quick cardio and skip the weight training for today."  Sometimes that's fine if it's all you can squeeze in, but lazing through workouts isn't getting anyone any results.

I've been way too guilty of half assed workouts but this week I really made sure to push myself and I even got Andy in on the pushing me around action.  Here's how my workouts looked this week:

Monday: Went for a run.  I ran a mile without stopping.  Walked briskly for 0.5 miles. Sprinted for 0.2 miles and then ran for 0.3 miles.  I'm not a fast runner, but I really did push myself.

Tuesday: Gym.  Warmed up on the treadmill for 5 min at 4.0.  Ran for 10 min at 5.5.  Ran for 5 min at 6.0 and cooled down for 5 min at 4.0.  Then I did chest and back:  chest flies 5 sets of 12 @ 40lbs, seated bench press 5 sets of 12 @ 50lbs, seated rows 5 sets of 12 @ 40 lbs, and lat pulldowns 5 sets of 12 @ 40 lbs.

Wednesday: Gym.  Warmed up on the treadmill for 5 min at 4.0.  Ran for 10 min at 5.5.  Ran for 5 min at 6.0 and cooled down for 5 min at 4.0. I didn't do weights today because I really just wanted to get home.

Thursday: A blessed day of rest for my sore and weary body

Friday:  I ran with Andy and we killed it.  3 miles varying running, jogging, walking, and sprinting.  I'm still very slow, maybe an 11 minute mile, but I'm ok with being slow.

Saturday: Baby run.  Walked briskly for a mile and then jogged for a mile.

Sunday: Hit the gym with Andy.  Warmed up on the elliptical for 15 minutes and then moved onto arms.  Hammer curls 5 sets of 15 @ 10lbs, seated curls 4 sets of 12 @ 10 lbs, and dips.  Then a 10 minute run at 5.5 on the treadmill.

This week my body feels amazing; sore and strong and capable.  I only lost 0.7 lbs but I really enjoyed Isabella's birthday party (I'll post about that tomorrow) and Father's Day.  I exercised hard enough most of the days to make up for the days that I just went through the motions and where I would usually show a gain, I showed a loss, even if it was small.  And a small victory is still a victory.
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Friday, June 15, 2012

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I'm in such a rut lately.  We're preparing to move (our closing date is set for June 29th) and money is tight as we get ready for closing fees and all the nickel and diming that happens when you enter the world of real estate.  Don't even get me started on the cash we'll need when we buy a new house.  My social life is in a bit of a limbo.

I go to work.  Work.  Go the the gym.  Come home from work.  That's it.

It's such a mom rut.

I don't sacrifice on Isabella's fun time.  She still does her thing.  Park, pool, crafts, play dates, Sesame Place, beach, she's good.  I like to keep her social.  But my life feels a bit stale, stalled, and downright stuck.

It doesn't help that the weather is gorgeous and all I'd like to do is sit outside at a sidewalk cafe, drink a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio and gossip with my girlfriends.  But I'm really trying to be financially responsible and, Andy has been busting his ass working overtime like crazy and I'd feel so guilty to burn through that money for my own fun while he's not having any kwim?

So I need to pick your brains for some fun things I can do to shake things up a bit.  You know, spice up my life (fist pump to anyone who immediately thought of the Spice Girls just then).  What do you do when you get into a mommy rut?
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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Body After Baby

Today I'm linking up with my homegirl Sally over at Exploits of a Military Mama and her new linky Body After Baby Mondays.

I'm getting fat.  Ok, so not really fat, but I'm definitely heading in that direction.  I recently lost 15lbs and I find the number on the scale creeping up slowly and I'd say in the past 3 weeks I've gained close to 4 lbs back.  Why is it that it takes months to lose and merely moments to gain?

But this is always the story with me.  I stick with it, stick with it, stick with it, completely lose my shit and gain it all back.  That's how the story goes.  Not this time.  I really, really want to keep up this healthy lifestyle that I've created for myself and I wouldn't mind not wanting to take a Valium whenever I put on my bathing suit.

So let's start by thinking about what I like about my body:  I have lean, strong legs.  My forearms are very thin.  I like my clavicle.

What I want to work on:  My stomach is like a big ball of dough.  Muffin top anyone?  Toned up arms would also be nice.

Now, I've gotten better with the exercising.  I aim for 3 days a week and I actually made 4 this week, so I'm proud of that.

My goal for this week is to actually stick to the foods I log in my fitness pal, even if it means forgoing a glass of wine or beer and to start incorporating abs into my work outs.  Apparently, complaining that your stomach is a dough ball doesn't help it get skinnier and I never do abs.

Check out my progress next week and don't forget to link up!
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Snuggling CEO

Picture this:  It's after bath time and my squeaky clean little girl who smells like shampoo and baby lotion is curled up on her bed with her blanky and stuffed giraffe.  We've already read through our tried and true favorites and she looks up at you with her big green eyes and says, "Mommy, will you snuggle with me?"  You think your heart would just melt with love right?  Well it shouldn't because snuggling in our house is serious business and when she asks me to snuggle before bed I get sweaty palms and rapid breathing.

Don't put your arm there mommy.  Hold me tighter.  Not so tight.  You're on the wrong side of the bed.  I need more room.  Ugh, you're in my way.  Nooooo, not like that.

I swear there is more anxiety centered around snuggling than there was around potty training.  God help her poor husband.

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Monday, June 11, 2012

Birth Control Pills Make Me Crazy

So since I absolutely no way no how can get pregnant for another 2 more cycles, I've decided that I hate condoms just enough to brave going back on birth control.  However, bcp makes me bat shit crazy.  Like hormonal and angry and sad and just really out of whack.

Plus, even though I'm taking them correctly I'm having some mid cycle spotting and that alone was enough to send me into a tail spin because my body is unreliable, I'm sick of having a bloody vag, I'm fat and chocolate isn't a health food.  Crazy.

It also zaps my sex drive completely.  I just can't get it up when I'm on these fuckers.  I'm still giving it up, but I'm not as enthusiastic about it.  Is that how bcp work, by making you just not want to have sex and keeping your lady bits as dry as the Gobi desert?

I want to take all the birth control pills in the world and burn them.  See, I told ya...crazy.
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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I Have a Facebook

Well I, Melissa, have had a facebook since facebook was invented because I'm just that old.  Remember when you needed to be in college to have a fb page?  So retro right?! But I've decided to branch out and actually start using the facebook page that I created in a heated moment after watching The Social Network.

So like me please...I like you!
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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Glory Days

God I love summer.  I love BBQ's and beer and sticky heat and cold pools and sandcastles.  I love it all.  There's nothing that reenergizes me more than having an entire lazy summer before me to fill.  We'll probably spend this summer living with my parents (buzz kill) because there will be a lapse from when we close on our house to when we move into a new house, once we, ya know, find it.

Here's our glory days so far

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Monday, June 4, 2012

50 Shades...Can We Discuss?

You may have realized that I've been a bit silent this week, it's because I've been sucked into the pornographic vortex that is 50 Shades of Grey.  Now I knew going in that the author had said it was fan fiction based on the Twilight Saga, but you know, without all the vampire stuff and with lots of "kinky fuckery."  So let's chat...(No Plot Spoilers)

1.  If reading this book is supposed to make me want to have sex with my husband it kind of missed it's mark.  All it does is make me really pissed off that he's not Christian Grey.  No Charlie Tango, no Red Room of Pain, no Dom qualities at all.  WTF?  I'm feeling a little disappointed with my sex life.

2.  I hope that Ana's inner goddess and her subconscious expire in a murder suicide.  I hate them both.

3.  The writing is just dreadful.  It improves slightly after the first book, but holy hell the writing is awful.  I feel like I could have (and maybe should have) penned a better book.  I mean what 22 year old college students uses the word "fetch" in real life?  And if I had to read "a ghost of a smile twitched on his lips" or "I gazed at him from beneath my lashes" I was going to vom.

4.  When you're having sex with a man (or a woman if that's your thing), when they say, "Come for me baby" do you really have an orgasm?  Does that happen in real life?  Because for shit sure it's never happened to me.

5.  Also, can a man have sex 8 times in a day in rapid succession?  Me thinks Mr. Grey might be using penis enhancing drugs.  Just saying.

6.  Are there really men like Christian Grey out there in the world?  Maybe I should start stumbling into offices and see if I can't expand my world a bit.

7.  It might just be me or maybe I've never been as in love with someone the way Ana is with Christian, or maybe I'm just a grade A fatty, but I've never not eaten for 2 whole days.  Ever.

I actually really love the books, I'm just being a bit pissy.  What do you all think about 50 Shades?
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Sunday, June 3, 2012

Sibu Sea Buckthorn Facial Cleanser Review and Giveaway

Sibu is an amazing company with a very interesting history.  With it's focus on beauty products that are environmentally conscious and cruelty free, they use a product called sea buckthorn as a foundation for their products.  The owner, Bruce McMullin, met a man in India who specialized in Chinese plants and herbs, and he mentioned the power fruit which was the basis of the Sibu company.  What a cool story is that?  I feel like Bruce would be a totally awesome guy to hang out with.

Now for the fun stuff, I've been using the Sibu facial cleanser for about a week now and I love it.  It's all natural and acts as a gentle exfoliant.  It makes my skin feel smooth and soft and not too dry or over oily.  It really is a very balancing facial cleanser.  And it's not tested on animals which is really important to me. Over the past week I've noticed that my skin tone is more even and smoother.  But don't take my word for it.  Try the cleanser, and the tons of other amazing products from Sibu, for yourself.

Or you can win one here (C'mon girls, you know I hook you up!)
a Rafflecopter giveaway
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