Monday, June 4, 2012

50 Shades...Can We Discuss?

You may have realized that I've been a bit silent this week, it's because I've been sucked into the pornographic vortex that is 50 Shades of Grey.  Now I knew going in that the author had said it was fan fiction based on the Twilight Saga, but you know, without all the vampire stuff and with lots of "kinky fuckery."  So let's chat...(No Plot Spoilers)

1.  If reading this book is supposed to make me want to have sex with my husband it kind of missed it's mark.  All it does is make me really pissed off that he's not Christian Grey.  No Charlie Tango, no Red Room of Pain, no Dom qualities at all.  WTF?  I'm feeling a little disappointed with my sex life.

2.  I hope that Ana's inner goddess and her subconscious expire in a murder suicide.  I hate them both.

3.  The writing is just dreadful.  It improves slightly after the first book, but holy hell the writing is awful.  I feel like I could have (and maybe should have) penned a better book.  I mean what 22 year old college students uses the word "fetch" in real life?  And if I had to read "a ghost of a smile twitched on his lips" or "I gazed at him from beneath my lashes" I was going to vom.

4.  When you're having sex with a man (or a woman if that's your thing), when they say, "Come for me baby" do you really have an orgasm?  Does that happen in real life?  Because for shit sure it's never happened to me.

5.  Also, can a man have sex 8 times in a day in rapid succession?  Me thinks Mr. Grey might be using penis enhancing drugs.  Just saying.

6.  Are there really men like Christian Grey out there in the world?  Maybe I should start stumbling into offices and see if I can't expand my world a bit.

7.  It might just be me or maybe I've never been as in love with someone the way Ana is with Christian, or maybe I'm just a grade A fatty, but I've never not eaten for 2 whole days.  Ever.

I actually really love the books, I'm just being a bit pissy.  What do you all think about 50 Shades?
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Desi said...

Hahahahah ok Ana's subconscious and inner-goddess made one too many repeat appearances for me also...and yes there is some feelings of jealousy for me that she can have an orgasm on command. I suppose the fantasy of it is what makes people love it though. And, yes, I want to know where Christian Grey is and possibly if someone inspired this character. I'm a freak and love reading and love talking about it after ha.

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

You stole the thoughts straight outta my head! HA! I'm on book 2 now. The writing is horrendous. And I was hoping these books would get me feeling all hot and heavy for my hubby, but in all honesty they just don't do it for me. Too cheesy or something. Highly entertaining, though!

Melaina25 said...

IT IS SOOO BAD! I agree with all your points about why it sucks but want to add what about the fact that they turned Edward into Christian Grey but still kept a bunch of the vampire crap! He never sleeps, he has 100's of years of knowledge but it isn't explained.

Also he is a straight up stalker which is not cool.

Also I hate how she says he touched her "there" or he stroked her "sex." I understand penis and vagina/vulva aren't sexy sounding words but to not use them once?

I could keep going here....

Madonna said...

I agree with your points, but I rarely read and only picked these up for entertainment purposes (I had a boring Saturday night a few weeks ago). I had to see what it was all about since every where I turned, someone was talking about them. I never read/saw the Twilight series, so to me, there was no relationship to Edward in the back of my mind.

I could look past most of the items that annoyed me (the writing for one) and there were a few times I was a little jealous my husband does not come close to Christian Grey. Let's be serious - who's husband/ significant other does? Thank God he's not real.

I will admit there were a few nights that I went and woke my husband up after reading a few chapters. We have a boring sex life in comparison, but I don't need the Red Room of Pain. But seriously, what woman has an orgasm every time she has sex? If you do, I'm jealous.

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

Omg! I thought the same exact thing as your no.1 above! Sorry hubs, it did not jump start our sex drive, it just made me mad! I loved the books as well, an can relate to a lot of what you shared about them actually!

Sweet Southern Love said...

The inner goddess and subconcious was so annoying! I hated it and felt it was wasted space, lets be serious here, if you have sex that many times a day, how are you going to be able to anything... and the ending... Just kinda falls flat compared to the start. It was entertaining, but annoying at the same time...

tweetyscute said...

I am still waiting for my books to arrive so I have no input on the books but so far I am loving your blog.

Tammy said...

Amen. I was not impressed at all and decided to not even bother with books 2 & 3. The only reason I was slightly interested was my curiosity about why he is so effed up? What could have possibly happened to him as a child? Since that didn't get answered in book #1 I threw in the towel. By the end I was skimming over the sex scenes anyways, they were all repeats with more beatings of some variation thrown in. Um, no thanks. And really - a 22 year old stunningly beautiful college grad who is a virgin? Of course! A perfect match for the 27 year old self-made bazillionaire who is perfect in almost every way. Puke. Funny enough, I told my OB I had read it and he said "It might put you into labor". A week later, (after the book of course) I did go into pre-term labor, haha! But not because of Christian Grey, thankyouverymuch.

Sarah O said...

I just started the books but this review is hilarious and from what I've heard I totally agree with you!

balou said...

The most irritating part for me is when the author keeps repeating herself. How many times can she repeat:

1. I stared at my knotted fingers.
2. His mouth/lips form a straight line.
3. I explode into a million pieces (every time she comes "not cums").

Also, she came 2x the first time she's ever had sex? Really? And how many times have you come at the same time as a man???

Maybe I'm just jealous :)

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