Wednesday, September 5, 2012

TTC

TTC, or Trying to Conceive, is such a unique process.  Some people are very relaxed and chilled out about it and others become obsessed and completely wrapped up in it.  Some people count the days until they can pee on that stick, while others are a week late before the thought even occurs to them.  Some people get pregnant in the blink of an eye, while others build their family through medical interventions or adoption.  This post is meant to reflect on no ones TTC journey other than my own.

When Andy and I decided that we wanted to start a family, I went into it like I do everything else...completely prepared.  I researched, I found my footing in a mom message board, I bought a thermometer and got myself a Fertility Friend account and I was set.  I was consumed by dates and counting and cervical mucus and charts and looking back it seems so exhausting!  But there was no child around to suck out my energy.

But studying my charts did let me onto the fact that I had a fairly short luteal phase and I started taking some vitamin B6 and bam pregnant the next cycle.  It only took 3 months.  It seemed like forever at the time when the two week wait seemed like an eternity and I obsessed about when we were going to have sex.  Honestly?  It felt like a job.  It wasn't enjoyable, but it did give me a sense of control that I love.

It took us a long time to be ready to try again.  We were happy as a family of three and knew we wanted to be a bit more financially stable before we expanded.  At least it seemed like a long time to me.  Most of the people I knew were in the 2 under 2 boat and we didn't start trying until Isabella was almost 3.

Andy and I decided that we would just kind of go with it and see what happened.  I started taking my pre-natal and B6 about a month before we started and I got pregnant right away.  From the start I knew something was off with that pregnancy and if you've followed my journey, you know I lost that baby to an ectopic pregnancy.

It would be 3 months before we were able to ttc again due to the effects of the mtx shot.  Once we were given the all clear, we tentatively started trying.  We were both a bit nervous so we didn't really push it, plus Andy was on midnights so there wasn't a ton of time for us to, ya know...do it.  So I basically wrote off that cycle and when my period came I was pretty excited to really get into it.  This time I was armed with a CBEFM because I know some wonderfully generous women.

This both filled my need to pee on stuff and have a general outline of my cycle and still kind of be free and have fun with it.  But I still analyze every twinge wondering if it's an egg getting stuck in the fallopian tube.

I'm making myself nuts and it's hard to take the ever popular advice to just "relax" when you are completely and utterly terrified of a tubal pregnancy or worse, a tubal rupture.  Some women don't even know they're pregnant and then they're in the ER with an abdomen full of blood.  It's a scary reality.

I hate that my miscarriage has tainted this process for me.  I hate that so many women struggle with fertility.  I hate that someone who wants a baby so bad can't have one.  I hate that every month women and their husbands are disappointed.  I hate one pink line.  If you're struggling with ttc then I hate this for you.

I'm lucky that I'm able to get pregnant quickly.  I know that I'm lucky and I'm really grateful for that.  Honestly, even though I am very scared of another loss, I'm still trying to have fun with the process and just kind of roll with it. So we'll see...

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I wrote this post about two weeks ago and wasn't sure if I should even publish it or not, but whatever I did.
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4 comments:

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

I'm so glad you chose to post this! I personally haven't had any struggles with pregnancy or TTC, but I know that I'm in the minority here. I have several close friends and family members who want babies SO bad, but things just aren't going their way. Your words and what you've been through can be an encouragement to so many women out there. They are not alone and you are definitely not alone. It sounds like you are in a better place mentally now than a few months ago, so that's GOOD! Just roll with it. And if you feel like posting more about your TTC journey, I'm sure you have a huge following of women who will be glad that you did. We love your honesty!

Danielle said...

Xoxoxo love you mama! Praying for you and are here for you 110% of the way!!!

ShorT1882 said...

((hugs)) girl!!

anotherjennifer said...

Thanks for sharing your story. Everyone's is different, and I think they are important to share so we all know that there's no such thing as a normal way to conceive a child. I wish you all the best.

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