Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Not The Picture I Pictured

I love my life.  I love my daughter.  I love my husband.  I love my job.  I love my friends.  But every so often I think back to the person I was when I was still day dreaming about who I would be and where my life would go...and if I'm being honest with myself...this is not the picture I had pictured for myself.

When I was in high school and college, marriage and kids weren't even on my radar and the thought of becoming an educator was not even a twinkle in my eye.  I had pictured myself as some sort of editor/publisher/ad exec in an office in manhattan.  I had pictured myself dressed in the latest fashions, grabbing drinks after work at a trendy bar with colleagues, sharing an apartment with a girlfriend.  You know really living the New York City life.  It was always my dream.  I would date a lot.  Laugh a lot.  And worry about kids and marriage and houses later on down the line.

My life could not be any different from what I had pictured.  I met Andy when I was 20 years old.  Practically a baby.  I was unsure about my major and listened to a lot of well meaning "birdies" who whispered in my ear and eventually changed my major to education out of fear, indifference, and just not feeling supported in general with my career aspirations.  I've always been very vulnerable, gullible, and succeptable to other people's advice, I still kind of am.  I wound up working in Bklyn, but Andy got on in NJ so we had to move out here after we got married.  I was 24 when I got married and 27 when I had Isabella.

I'm living in the suburbs. living a suburban type lifestyle, worrying about every damn penny.  There was never much freedom for me.

Please don't think I'm unhappy, like I opened up with I really do love my life, but it's just not what I had thought my life would look like.  I know there are so many women who just fill out into their roles as wifes and mothers and just fit so comfortably there.  Women who initially had my dream, but when life intervened they liked the new picture better.  I read these women's blogs.  I know them in real life.  Good for them.  I've always been the type of person who has been dissatisfied, restless, and a bit of a drama queen.  I love change.  I love excitement.  My life is just lacking that right now.  But the picture I pictured was filled with freedom, independence, change.

I guess sometimes you need to just stop expecting it to look like what you thought it would look like.
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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Stupid Sandy

So everyone has heard of this bitch of a storm called Sandy who's making minced meat of the east coast.  Not only has she had me locked away in my house with my parents and my toddler (thanks for that), she also took something else away from me that I was so very much looking forward to.  Announcing this pregnancy.

I was scheduled for my 12 week check up at the obgyn on Monday.  Sunday night I get a phone call saying that the office would be closed Monday and Tuesday because of the hurricane.  Now intellectually I totally get it.  Obviously in a huge storm like this they're going to close the dr's office.  Even if they didn't there would be no way that I would make the drive in in a hurricane.

But here was how Monday was supposed to go before Sandy.  Isabella and Andy were going to come with me to the doctor and we would hear Mrs. Petrillo's heart beating and then we would take Isabella out to dinner and we would tell her that she was going to be a big sister.  It was gonna be a real Danny Tanner - Full House moment.

Then this afternoon, I was scheduled for my NT scan.  Also cancelled.  After getting a peek at the baby, we were going to get ready to announce on facebook on Halloween.

I just don't feel comfortable announcing without knowing that all is well.  But I'm really so ready to announce this pregnancy.  I was so looking forward to a little reassurance that this pregnancy is progressing well and being able to share this excitement.

I know that I'm being kind of pouty and throwing a mini temper tantrum, but it's just really disappointing.  Stupid Sandy.
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Monday, October 29, 2012

12 Weeks

How far along?  12 weeks...thisclose to second tri
Total weight gain/loss? No change so I'm down about a pound/pound and a half
Maternity clothes?  Not yet
Stretch marks? No
Sleep?  I've been having a hard time falling asleep, but once I'm asleep I'm usually ok
Best moment last week? Getting out of my house and having a stoop party with my friends, which I'm not sure if that makes me really lame or not. 
Movement?  No, but I can't wait for sweet baby kicks.  When did you guys feel movement with your 2nd pregnancy?
Food cravings? I need to stop with the sweets.  It can't be healthy for anyone
Food aversions?  Still skeeving out chicken the most, but I was able to make a bolognese sauce tonight that didn't make me want to hurl
Gender? Team Green, but I have a feeling it's another girl.  
Labor signs? No

Belly button in/out? In. 
What I miss: SEX!!!! I've been on pelvic rest since before my bleed due to brown spotting at 6 weeks.  That's 6 weeks of nada.  
What I am looking forward to: Announcing to people!  I can't wait to feel out of the woods and be excited for this pregnancy
Milestones: Almost out of first tri

I feel like I looked bigger last week.

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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Stats Bringing Me Down

I'm talking social media stats, not pregnancy stats.  I really try not to look at my blog/fb/twitter stats, but I always peek and it never makes me feel happy.  It's always that I lost like 7 fb followers or people are looking at my blog for 37 seconds or I'm down 15% of viewership.

It totally bums me out.

And I know, I know I'm not supposed to let stats define me, that's not why I write.  But sometimes I forget why I write.  I haven't felt poetry or beauty or power in my words in a long time.  It feels like this blog has become just more a chronicle of my life's events, which is fine, but those are never the blogs I gravitate towards reading.  I always look for someone to move me with their words.  I haven't spewed any moving words in quite a while it feels.

I guess I'm in a bit of a writing rut and my stats reflect that.  That's why it pisses me off because my stats show what I know.  My content has gone a bit awry.  So I'll just write through it and hopefully something inspirational will be born.
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Isabella Update

Mrs. Petrillo has been upstaging this blog lately and I need to shine the limelight on my first born hellacious child, Isabella.

Isabella is 3 years old going on 16.  That girl has an opinion about everything and oh boy is she a drama queen.  She's very particular about what she wears, eats, and where we go.  She also has a crazy vivid imagination.  We play baby caterpillar, baby kitty, baby puppy, she makes elaborate stories up and loves when I tell stories to her.  We put on princess shows with a hula hoop.  She's tons of fun.  I actually really like spending time with her just the two of us.

She's still really needy when it comes to playing by herself.  She's not made much progress on the whole playing by herself bit.

She loves 80's music.  That girl can belt out Pat Bennetar and Belinda Carlisle with the best of them, which completely cracks my shit up.

She loves animals.  We went to the park this weekend and she sat and played with a caterpillar for 45 minutes.  She is always pretending to be some animal or another.

She's also crazy smart.  She knows all her letters, capital and lower case.  She knows all the letter sounds.  She can count to 20.  And she can write her letters with a lot of support.  She also knows all her colors and asks tons of questions.

She can also dig her heels in something fierce and sometimes I feel like a damned broken record with all the "get dressed" "put your shoes on" "go to the bathroom" over and over and over again.  The not listening is super obnoxious.  3's are definitely harder than two, but she's still pretty awesome.
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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

11 Weeks

Here's the weekly survey, a day late but I had a very lazy weekend.

How far along?  11 weeks 
Total weight gain/loss? Down about a pound  
Maternity clothes?  Not yet, but it's almost time to bust out the bella band
Stretch marks? No
Sleep?  I've been waking up once a night to pee
Best moment last week? Drinking my pumpkin spice latte (decaf and non-fat, but still yummy)
Movement?  No, but I have felt some gas bubbles.  Thrilling right?
Food cravings?  My sweet tooth is insane.  I could live off of cookies, cakes, and cereal.  And Mexican too. 
Food aversions?  Basically any meat from any beast, fish, or fowl
Gender? Team Green, but I have a feeling it's another girl.  
Labor signs? No
Belly button in/out? In. 
What I miss: Being able to suck in my stomach.  I've always had a weak core, but I could at least suck that bad boy in.  Now my uterus is just pushing up my fat
What I am looking forward to: Dr appointment on Monday and then we can announce.  I'm also a bit nervous for this one. 
Milestones: Almost out of first tri

Not much of a bump, but it looks like I'm rounding out a touch

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Friday, October 19, 2012

So You're Pregnant and Scared...Let Me Give You Some Advice

Having recently suffered a miscarriage and now finding myself pregnant again it's natural for me to be overcome with worry and anxiety if this pregnancy will also result in a loss.  I know I'm not alone.  I've spent enough time exploring the furthest reaches of the interwebz to know that nearly any one who has suffered a miscarriage is more nervous at their next go around because they are living proof of the worst case scenarios.  These are brave women who had their hearts broken and battled through to fight another day and I applaud them...and myself.

Now this is where the advice part comes in.  I've read hundreds of forums and the advice given to said women is great.  It's wonderful.  But it also kind of sucks and is pretty futile.  Let me expand.

Just relax and try to enjoy it:  Yes, I know I should relax and I know that pregnancy is a miracle and a gift and I should spend more time marveling at the fact that chicken makes me want to toss my cookies and less time pondering if my baby died and I just don't know it yet.  Now if one of these wonderful well wishers could tell me exactly how to go about doing that, that would be just great.  Because when red blood is leaking out of my vagina and I'm 8 weeks pregnant I'm not relaxed and I'm certainly not enjoying it.

Don't Google:  Again, this is smart advice.  Probably the smartest you'll get.  My own doctor advised me to stay away from Dr. Google because you'll find things that will completely mind fuck you.  You'll read stories of women whose baby died at 11.5 weeks and they found out at their 12 week scan after they'd already seen a heartbeat.  You'll read stories about women who went in for their anatomy scan at 20 weeks to be told that their baby died at 17 weeks for no apparent reason.  And, the scariest to me, is you'll read stories of stillborns, a fate I can barely even comprehend before it starts to undo me.  Yes, by all means if you have the will power stay away from google.  I have no will power.  If a cookie is sitting in front of me I will eat it whether I want to or not.  When answers are a click away, I will search for them even if I don't want the answer.

Take it easy:  I have a full time job, a toddler, a husband, friends, and responsibilities.  While I'd like to just sit on the couch with my feet up, on my left side, chugging water, I can't actually do that.  While I can pass off some responsibilities, like exercising, sex, laundry and cleaning, I still have to care for my child and feed my family.  "Taking it easy" should come with a list of instructions for a real life person who can't take off from work to rest.

I think every pregnant woman goes through a time where she is scared because she's already come to love the baby growing inside her.  However, that fear becomes compounded and magnified when you've already lost a baby.  Here is the advice that I read that actually made me feel better.

Surrender: There is absolutely nothing you can do to save a pregnancy that is "bad".  No amount of worry or stress or crying is going to change the fate of a baby who would not survive for whatever reason.  So surrender that worry to God or the Universe or to fate or whatever you believe in.  It won't erase the fear, but it will lessen the burden.

Today I am pregnant: Say that to yourself over and over.  Being pregnant really is a gift and it really is a miraculous time, even if it doesn't feel that way.  We may get lucky enough to be pregnant for 9 months or only for a few short weeks.  If you have no proof that you are not pregnant any more, that you're baby didn't survive, then as far as you're still pregnant.

Visualize: For me it means a lot to visualize myself at different stages of pregnancy.  What will my bump look like at Christmas?  What maternity clothes do I have?  I picture Isabella talking to Mrs. Petrillo in my belly.  It makes it seem more like a reality and less like a dream.

If you're pregnant and scared of a miscarriage you're not alone.  Unfortunately, you are part of a club that you probably hate, but we're all here with you, rooting you on and googling in secret.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Ugly Blog

God my blog is so ugly and outdated.  No for real it really is super ugly and so unorganized that it makes me want to just vomit all over it, not that it takes much to make me want to vom these days.

It hasn't been updated in about oh, I don't know, 2 and a half years.  It really needs a makeover in the worst way.  I've gotten some recommendations on places who do a good job who are reasonably priced, but with the house closing coming up I just can't justify spending $100 bucks on an upgrade right now.  Maybe after the holidays, but definitely not now.  And if you even think about suggesting I do it myself I will laugh right at you because I am techno amish to the extreme.

I finally just recently updated my buttons which were ancient, but I want one of those cool things on the side that link to my facebook, pinterest, and twitter and I want a "like" and "tweet" and "pin" button at the bottom of each blog and I want it to look newer and cleaner and more streamlined.

God this blog is ugly.

But real quick question?  I've been toying with the idea for well over a year to switch to word press, but I'm hesitant to take the plunge.  Any suggestions/advice?
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Posy Lane Towel Wrap Review

Posy Lane is your one stop shopping for toddler backpacks, towel wraps, totes, and more...all personalized I might add.  I was super jazzed up to pick something out to review that it literally took me 3 days to decide what I wanted because everything was awesome and I kind of wanted it all.

I was thisclose to picking up a toddler backpack for Isabella, because some of the ones they have are to die for, but I was feeling a bit selfish and decided to get a towel wrap for myself.  They had so many great options, but ultimately I decided on a pretty sea foam green with the letter "M" embroidered on the bottom.  Not only were there so many options for towel wraps, but also for the personalization.  You could really play around with font and color to make it your own.

Cute right?  And it's perfect for when I get out of the shower and want to do my hair and make up before I figure out what I'm wearing get dressed.  It has a no budge velcro snap across the top that keeps it firmly in place.  I love it and so would my sister which is why she's getting one for Christmas.  In fact you could do some damage on that website with Christmas gifts because they have a ton of stuff.  So go and check out Posy Lane!

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Monday, October 15, 2012

10 Weeks

How far along?  10 weeks 
Total weight gain/loss? Down about a pound, I've gained a pound since last week because I've been eating like it's my job and I'm jonesing for a promotion.  
Maternity clothes?  No, I actually feel like my bloat has gone down a bit.  I remember that happening with Isabella around this time. 
Stretch marks? No
Sleep?  I sleep as much as my 3 year old allows me
Best moment last week? Not having a drip drop of blood, not even brown
Movement?  No
Food cravings?  Anything with sugar
Food aversions?  Chicken, garlic, beans, and meat
Gender? Team Green this time around
Labor signs? No
Belly button in/out? In. 
What I miss: Running.  I've been cleared for walking, but no running until the 2nd trimester because of the bleed.  I miss feeling my feet hit the pavement.
What I am looking forward to: My NT scan in a few weeks
Milestones: None I don't think

Here is my 10 week baby bloat.  I am wearing pajamas, glasses, and a weave that I slept in.  See...I'm always here to make you feel better about yourself.  

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Friday, October 12, 2012

Statistics...In the Eye of the Beholder

Usually I'm a somewhat logical person, who on occasion may become ruled by emotions.  If you're a regular reader, you probably just lol'ed a bit at that first sentence, but anyway I am the type of person who takes comfort in statistics and cold hard facts.

I read a study once that said if you live together before marriage that your x% more likely to get divorced.  BAM! No cohabitating before marriage.  A little extreme?  Maybe, but statistics make me feel like I have a handle on things.  They provide a bit of safety.

So when the doctor told me after my ultra sound that I only had a 3-5% chance of a miscarriage I should have been happy.  It makes sense to be happy.  That means that 95-97% of women go on to carry full term babies.  Those are numbers that I should be able to groove with.

But I looked my doctor straight in the eye (no easy feat when you're ass naked and in stir ups) and said, "6 months ago you told me I only had a 1% chance of an ectopic"

It still boggles my mind sometimes.  99% of people never have an ectopic pregnancy.  One percent.  It made 5% seem like a giant number.

I think that for a woman who has suffered a loss, any loss, the "numbers" don't offer as much comfort as you would think.  I think that any woman who has cried herself to sleep over a lost little one looks at 5% as just a scary a risk as ever.

Or maybe it's just me.  But I think that while pregnancy is an amazing time, it's also very very scary.  Stay strong with me sisters!
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Introducing Mrs. Petrillo

The baby will henceforth be referred to as Mrs. Petrillo.  Since Andy and I decided that we'd be on Team Green this time, meaning we will not be finding out the sex of the baby, it's getting really annoying to keep writing him/her and s/he and I don't really like writing "it". This baby will be called Mrs. Petrillo, as in from the Golden Girls.

Let me explain.  One day I was complaining to my sister how I get really scared to sleep in the house on my own when Andy is on midnights.  Sometimes I'm scared of murderers and rapists, but mostly of demons and ghosts.  My sister, Meaghan, suggested that I keep on the Lifetime or Hallmark channel because they play a lot of Golden Girls at night and there's no way to be scared of those old sassy ladies.  So I started leaving them on at night on really low volume when Andy was out.  They played during my entire 2ww.

Mrs. Petrillo is tough, no nonsense, and doesn't take shit.  That's exactly what I want in an inside baby. One that will hang tough and fight to stay around.

Don't try and call the baby Sophia Petrillo, we are not on a first name basis.  It's just Mrs. Petrillo and if it's a boy, I hope he has a good sense of humor.
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Monday, October 8, 2012

9 Week Survey

I had a great appointment today.  The baby is doing great.  Got to see him/her moving and bouncing and waving all around in there.  There was a good strong heartbeat at 169 bpm.  The doctor said my cervix is high and closed and has no idea as to why I was bleeding for so long.  She said that the bits looked all clear and she couldn't see any blood in there.  So I'm feeling very relieved and...dare I say it...a bit excited!  I know I still have 3 weeks left until I'm out of the dreaded 1st tri and I also know that there are no guarantees after that, but today the baby is OK and today I'm going to enjoy being pregnant.

Let's start it up with the weekly surveys which I'll be posting on Mondays since Saturdays are an annoying day to post and that's when I change weeks.

How far along?  9 weeks 2 days
Total weight gain/loss? I'm down 2lbs since the thought of food in general makes me want to hurl
Maternity clothes?  No not yet, but I'm super bloated so I may break out the bella band sooner rather than later
Stretch marks? No
Sleep?  I sleep as much as my 3 year old allows me
Best moment last week? Getting a good report from the dr.
Movement?  No, but I do have some rumbly gas
Food cravings?  Sweets and Fruit Loops
Food aversions?  Chicken, garlic, beans, and eggs to name a few
Gender? Team Green this time around
Labor signs? No
Belly button in/out? In.
What I miss: Alcohol.  Pumpkin beer and robust Cabernets are all staples of fall
What I am looking forward to: My NT scan in a few weeks
Milestones: Baby has graduated from an embryo to a fetus

9 week bloat.  I am a hot ass mess in this pic, but you get the idea
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Thursday, October 4, 2012

The State of My Lady Bits

I haven't bled a drop of red in two days!  No cramping either, just a yellowish/brown discharge.  I'm going to the dr on Monday for an ultra sound and an appointment.  So I'll know for sure how things are progressing then and if they can give me some answers.  Honestly, if I didn't already know I was pregnant I would have just thought I had a very light, cramp free period.  It's bizarre.

As nervous as I've been since the bleeding started on Sunday morning, I'm still feeling hopeful.  I broke down and consulted Dr. Google and most of the posts and websites out there have very positive outcomes for bleeding, even red bleeding, in the first trimester.  Of course there were also many stories of loss as well.

In my gut I feel like things are going to work out this time.  Last time, I knew things wouldn't.  So today I'm still pregnant.  Today I still get to be excited about the life that is growing inside of me.  I still get to complain about morning sickness, heartburn, and exhaustion.

There's nothing I can do anyway.  No amount of bed rest, pelvic rest, water drinking, or anything is going to save this baby if it's not meant to be saved.  The human body is an amazing thing and all I can do is trust mine.  There's not much you can do to save a "bad" pregnancy and not much you can do to shake a "good" one.  All I can do is surrender to God, to the universe, to my body and hope and pray that things work out for me.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.  It sounds odd but I can feel them and I think that's why I've had such peace during a time that is so tumultuous for Andy and I.  Keep them coming and again, thank you from the very bottom of my heart.
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Monday, October 1, 2012


I'm still bleeding.  After I got home from the hospital yesterday it tapered off to brown and I rested all evening and night and it stopped.  I went to work today and was fine, until lunch when I wiped and noticed red smearing on the toilet paper.  It was bleeding.  Not spotting.  Red.  Not brown.  Definitely more than yesterday.  I called the doctor and the nurse (who is just the sweetest thing ever) told me that the u/s and bloodwork all looked great and that there was nothing to do at this point except monitor it.  She told me that I could go in for an exam if I wanted to, but I told her that I would just wait and keep an eye on it.  It's tapered off a bit, but it's definitely still there.

This fucking sucks.  I feel like I went through enough with the ectopic and I was really looking forward to a boring, healthy pregnancy that I could enjoy.  But instead I have to be fucking terrified every time I go to the bathroom.  Every twinge and pull and bits of pressure has me running the gammet of possibilities in my mind.

I know that there's a big chance I'm going to be fine.  I also know that there's a small chance that I will lose this baby and that is just terrifying for me.  I would love to sit here and say that I'm all hope and smiles and positivity.  But I'm not.  I'm nervous and worried and fearful.

One thing I am doing is taking the advice of Madonna in my last post and not consulting Dr. Google.  Say a prayer for me if you can and for this baby.
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