Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Not The Picture I Pictured

I love my life.  I love my daughter.  I love my husband.  I love my job.  I love my friends.  But every so often I think back to the person I was when I was still day dreaming about who I would be and where my life would go...and if I'm being honest with myself...this is not the picture I had pictured for myself.

When I was in high school and college, marriage and kids weren't even on my radar and the thought of becoming an educator was not even a twinkle in my eye.  I had pictured myself as some sort of editor/publisher/ad exec in an office in manhattan.  I had pictured myself dressed in the latest fashions, grabbing drinks after work at a trendy bar with colleagues, sharing an apartment with a girlfriend.  You know really living the New York City life.  It was always my dream.  I would date a lot.  Laugh a lot.  And worry about kids and marriage and houses later on down the line.

My life could not be any different from what I had pictured.  I met Andy when I was 20 years old.  Practically a baby.  I was unsure about my major and listened to a lot of well meaning "birdies" who whispered in my ear and eventually changed my major to education out of fear, indifference, and just not feeling supported in general with my career aspirations.  I've always been very vulnerable, gullible, and succeptable to other people's advice, I still kind of am.  I wound up working in Bklyn, but Andy got on in NJ so we had to move out here after we got married.  I was 24 when I got married and 27 when I had Isabella.

I'm living in the suburbs. living a suburban type lifestyle, worrying about every damn penny.  There was never much freedom for me.

Please don't think I'm unhappy, like I opened up with I really do love my life, but it's just not what I had thought my life would look like.  I know there are so many women who just fill out into their roles as wifes and mothers and just fit so comfortably there.  Women who initially had my dream, but when life intervened they liked the new picture better.  I read these women's blogs.  I know them in real life.  Good for them.  I've always been the type of person who has been dissatisfied, restless, and a bit of a drama queen.  I love change.  I love excitement.  My life is just lacking that right now.  But the picture I pictured was filled with freedom, independence, change.

I guess sometimes you need to just stop expecting it to look like what you thought it would look like.
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Jo said...

Your post reminded me of my first ever post … ‘Not quite how I imagined it’. And you know what, I think that maybe if things had worked out differently and we were somewhere else in a different situation we might be saying the same thing … Not quite what I had expected.

And that’s ok, cause life is full of unexpected events. Some good some not so good, some fantastic and some gut wrenchingly bad. But it is about how we deal with it that is important.
That is why I have this little button on my blog to remind me to:

Love the life you live, Live the life you Love.

mtendere said...

My life is very different than I imagined it would be as well. For me, the key to feeling full in the life I have was figuring out what it was about the "imagined" life I really longed for in my deepest desires and which were just the story I constructed around it to make it happen. I imagined lots of traveling and living in another country. Before I got married, I moved 7 times in 6 years! I need a sense of newness and a real sense of calling and purpose. I've found ways to have that in my real life (and thrown in lots of trips to answer to the wanderlust).

While there is something to be said for loving the life you have, don't ignore the desires of your heart - they may be trying to tell you something important. It just may not be quite what you expect!

Shana Scott said...

I think I couldn't have written this post too! When Hubby Dearest and I met neither of us were anywhere close to marriage and a year later we were married! My life was dreamt upon travel, missions, travel, photography and freedom and now...well let's say poop is normally the central focus! lol But I love my life and my children and trust that God gave me a passion for travel for a reason and will one day fulfill it!

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Me, too! Me, too! Althought I never really had ANY picture in my head of what my life would look like - kinda sad, huh? I'm just now starting to really focus on creating the life I want and figuring out what that life looks like. Like you, I'm craving some excitement and some newness. It's so easy to fall into a boring routine and a rut when you're a mom. And I don't want that to happen!

Dana @ Kiss My List said...

Visiting back from SITS - this post jumped out at me while I was browsing your blog. I can completely relate. I became a stay at home mom after my son was born over 11 years ago - not what I thought I'd be doing with a master's degree. I struggled for a long time (and still do) with who I am vs what I do. I started my blog a few months ago to get back some of the me I feel like I set aside over ten years ago. But I do feel so blessed to live the life I have - thanks for the reminder!

Farrah Udell said...

I can relate to this so much. I often think about what 18 year old me would think of the life I live today. I had dreams of changing the world from New York City, Washington, DC, and San Francisco... yet here I am in Kansas City. My world and the things I hope to change look a lot different than what I imagined them to be. At the same time I feel like I have found my voice and my strength in ways I never dreamed. It's crazy when someday becomes now.

V. Nino said...

Like the other commenters, I can relate. Talk about not having freedom, I had our first child when I was 20...right when I was just starting to enjoy that adult fun. A couple of years later we had our second child and I spent ALL of my 20's raising kids and going to school.

When my girls were both school age, I completed my last semester student-teaching and finally graduated. I had just turned thirty.

I began teaching, taught high school for two years and decided it was not for me. What would I do with my life now?

Now at 33, and with a fresh new 3 month-old son, I feel even more lost. And what's worse is that I'm not getting any younger lol. You know how some women feel their biological clock ticking? Mine is my career clock.

Anyway, I love being a SAHM, but I can't say I am completely pleased with the path of my life so far. I guess I want it all, but can we ever?

Thank you for sharing your warts and all approach to motherhood. I think many of us can really appreciate knowing we're not alone in our thoughts and feeelings.

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