Do you ever feel like there's something bigger inside of you...bigger than the life you're living? Like you should do more or be more or live more?
I'm feeling like that lately. Kind of stifled. Definitely in a rut. In desperate need to shake things up, but too full of excuses or, I don't know what to actually do anything about it.
I feel like there's a fire inside me and instead of burning bright, it's just burning me up. I just feel like I'm waiting for something to happen or rather, being driven to make something happened, but I'm too pregnant...too poor...too busy...to bogged down with "stuff" and "have-to's" and "to do's".
I long to shake it all off and be free. To do exactly as I wish for as long as I want to, unencumbered by responsibilities and debilitating fear and self-doubt. Because you see, deep down I never really believe that I'm good enough.
I'm trying to find ways to breathe new life into the routine I'm in now. I signed up for a prenatal yoga class, out of my comfort zone but it's not exactly dripping with excitement.
Do I sound crazy? Are you rolling your eyes at me a bit right now?
It's hard to put into words exactly how I feel. I can try and talk to my sister about it, but she's already so free that she really doesn't "get it" nor does she have the time or patience for anyones bellyaching. Then there's Andy who tries to understand, but is usually thinking, if not outright saying, how much is this going to cost?
It's not all the time, but I've definitely had this feeling before. It comes every once in a while, sets me aflame and then fizzles out in disappointment. I wonder if it's some sort of cosmic inspiration trying to burn me from the inside out to get me to do more. Dream bigger. Live larger. Take risks. All without the fear of failure or of disrupting the people around me. To really feel alive.
Sometimes it seems like I'm so caught up in my daily humdrum, make the lunches, set up the coffee pot, do the laundry, get Isabella dressed, is she hungry? does she have to go potty? go to the dr, go to work, grade the papers, over and over again that it's so easy to lose sight of life. So easy to get buried in all that crap that you can lose sight of who you were, who you are, who you were meant to become.
For example, I'd love to write a book. A book that I would love to read, set in some fantasy world with rich characters that I can create from the ground up without pesky reality getting in the way. But I let that fear and self-doubt and the fact that I never actually finish any project deter me.
I just want to feel something. To feel alive, to feel free to pursue.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Posted by Melissa G. at 5:00 AM