Thursday, November 15, 2012

Freedom


Do you ever feel like there's something bigger inside of you...bigger than the life you're living?  Like you should do more or be more or live more?

I'm feeling like that lately.  Kind of stifled.  Definitely in a rut.  In desperate need to shake things up, but too full of excuses or, I don't know what to actually do anything about it.

I feel like there's a fire inside me and instead of burning bright, it's just burning me up.  I just feel like I'm waiting for something to happen or rather, being driven to make something happened, but I'm too pregnant...too poor...too busy...to bogged down with "stuff" and "have-to's" and "to do's".

I long to shake it all off and be free.  To do exactly as I wish for as long as I want to, unencumbered by responsibilities and debilitating fear and self-doubt.  Because you see, deep down I never really believe that I'm good enough.

I'm trying to find ways to breathe new life into the routine I'm in now.  I signed up for a prenatal yoga class, out of my comfort zone but it's not exactly dripping with excitement.

Do I sound crazy?  Are you rolling your eyes at me a bit right now?

It's hard to put into words exactly how I feel.  I can try and talk to my sister about it, but she's already so free that she really doesn't "get it" nor does she have the time or patience for anyones bellyaching.  Then there's Andy who tries to understand, but is usually thinking, if not outright saying, how much is this going to cost?

It's not all the time, but I've definitely had this feeling before.  It comes every once in a while, sets me aflame and then fizzles out in disappointment.  I wonder if it's some sort of cosmic inspiration trying to burn me from the inside out to get me to do more.  Dream bigger. Live larger. Take risks.  All without the fear of failure or of disrupting the people around me.  To really feel alive.

Sometimes it seems like I'm so caught up in my daily humdrum, make the lunches, set up the coffee pot, do the laundry, get Isabella dressed, is she hungry? does she have to go potty?  go to the dr, go to work, grade the papers, over and over again that it's so easy to lose sight of life.  So easy to get buried in all that crap that you can lose sight of who you were, who you are, who you were meant to become.

For example, I'd love to write a book.  A book that I would love to read, set in some fantasy world with rich characters that I can create from the ground up without pesky reality getting in the way.  But I let that fear and self-doubt and the fact that I never actually finish any project deter me.

I just want to feel something.  To feel alive, to feel free to pursue.

4 comments:

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Girl, I am SO not rolling my eyes - I'm nodding my head along with every word you wrote. We are in the exact same boat here. I also go through phases where I'm totally content with life and then a fire starts up inside me and I'm determined to make something BIG happen. But, I never do. Let's both change that! I think you should totes start writing a book! For sure! Even if you just spend 10 minutes a night working on an outline or jotting down some words. Just do it! You totally can. I'm always second guessing myself and comparing myself to others and thinking I'm not good enough to do anything I really want to do. But it's so not true! I just need to get off my ass and do it. I really feel like 2013 will be my year and I'm determined to have no regrets. You should be, too! Maybe we can motivate eachother. :-)

Jo said...

You know, I can tell you to go for it and just live to the fullest.... but for some reason I can't get myself to do it.... funny how we are.

You are not alone, I think lots of women feel that way.

I suggest that you take Ariel's advice and just go for it :)

mtendere said...

I hear you and I believe in you. Start taking time to figure out where you want to go. Learn about what it takes to write a book and have it published, if that's what you want to do. Take some time to imagine what you'd do if you weren't afraid and what it is that drives you and then start figuring out how to make it happen.

That burning is what us religious types like to refer to as a "call." Listen to it, because it probably won't go away.

tyandheidihaslem said...

"Then there's Andy who tries to understand, but is usually thinking, if not outright saying, how much is this going to cost?"

Your hubs and mine could have a man date and gab for hours about their expensive-stir-crazy-wife woes, for serious.

But I'll be fair, I do mention the same things youve said on here to my husband like 800 times each month, so hell, he probably should worry about the cost.

Love your blog. Youre hilarious.

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