Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Naming Your Baby

I have advice for you.  Baby naming advice.  Not naming your real live outside baby, although I do have some ideas on that, but naming your inside baby.  Don't call it something lame please, like "bub" "bubba" "sweet pea" "dumpling"  "sweet potato" or anything else super lame like that.

I mean honestly, do you want to walk around for x amount of months rubbing your belly and cootchie cooing about your sweet little dumpling.  You think you sound cute, but you're really just making everyone want to vomit in their mouths.  Stop it.  Nobody likes it.  Nobody thinks it's cute.  Except maybe you and your mom.

If you need to refer to your unborn baby as something, you should really try "it".  Honestly, I don't know why people get so worked up or feel badly about referring to a baby as "it".  If it's not a "he" or a "she" (obvi for people who don't know yet/aren't finding out) then the only appropriate English pronoun is "it".  Our language doesn't account for a non sexual pronoun in any other way.  Sorry.  It doesn't mean you don't love your baby or have a connection with it, you're just using grammar appropriately.

And if that doesn't work for you.  Think of something awesome.  For example, Mrs. Petrillo is a bad ass name.  It's original.  It's not bizarre.  It stands for someone who is wise, sassy, and crotchety.  Now that name is taken, but feel free to use it.  Or you can use one of these other names that's not vomit inducing, but is gender neutral:  Rex, Spike, Beckham (for the kicking), Phelps (for the swimming around in fluid all day), Mac, or Jones.  Just not Peanut or Baba or Jellybean.  Seriously, I will find you and vom on you.

And since I'm up on my high horse anyway, probably offending 50% of you who decided to read this far, I'll go a step further.  After your baby is born or whenever you name the little tike here are some quick tips to avoid.

Can we all agree that we're all original and cool so we can bypass the bizarro names?  I mean I get that you want to prove you're some free spirit, non-conforming, hippie, one of a kind, but is naming your kid Moon Beam really going to accomplish that?  I see kids every year who hate their weirdo name and ask me to call them John.  I'm not talking about cultural names, that's your business, but think about how your kid's name will sound in a board room or a dorm room or any room where someone can't pronounce your wack job name.

Spelling Jennifer as "Gennyfer" or Robert as "Robbyrd" is annoying.

I also don't get the nickname situation.  Why name your baby Jackson and then say we'll just call him Sam.  Name the damn kid Sam.  Or if you name your kid Fredrick so people will call him Fred is just dumb.  Name the damn kid Fred.  I get that some nicknames evolve naturally, Joe for Joseph, Ally for Allison, but it's the intentional nicknaming that I don't understand.  I don't call Isabella, Bella because I would have just named her Bella.  I also don't understand using a kid's middle name as their first name. Is there some significance to that?  Why not just switch the names around?

Did I miss anything?  Feel free to leave your own name pet peeves in the comments.  And if I haven't quite offended you yet, just drop me an e-mail and I promise I'll get around to it.


Jo said...

I love that you are calling the baby Mrs. Petrillo ... can't remember what we called our babies, mind we picked their names quite early on so we probably referred to them by their real names.

Living in Belgium has been interesting name wise. Our kids have English names but none of the French speakers can pronounce them 'correctly'. So now when my kids introduce themselves to French speakers they pronounce their names in the French way and in the English way when they meet English speakers.
Also, often you will meet kids with 'common' names but then discover that their parents decided to give it a phonetic spelling rather than the usual English and/or French spelling ... eg. Dominiek i/o Dominique or Viktor i/o Victor or Paulien i/o Pauline. But they do this not to be different but to stay true to their roots (this is very often the case with Flemish speakers).

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Um, I'm super offended right now. ;-)

doseofreality said...

I am CRYING with laughter!! Oh my God, I could have totally written this post! You rock! I love this so much! :) Stopping by from SITS and so glad I did!

beckyj @ A Lazy Crazy Life said...

"Why name your baby Jackson and then say we'll just call him Sam. Name the damn kid Sam." I literally LOL'd at this, it's one of my pet peeves as well. That, and the nick name thing since my parents named me Rebecca but call me Becky. I HATED having to speak up in class to correct teachers at the beginning of every damn school year.

Similarly, I named my daughter Lorelai and call her Lorelai, so it makes me cringe when her teachers shorten it to "Lori" or "Lora". It'll break my heart if she decides she wants to shorten it :(

Meggie Sue said...

Totally agree! I have a SIL who said to me that she was naming her kids Vivian and Harrison but was going to call them Ivi and Harry. I call them by their given first name, because that is what they're named!

Terra H. said...

I'm with you on the nickname scenario. I absolutely don't get why people name their kids one thing and call them another. When I considered names for my children, one of the highest priorities is that they were given names that people wouldn't easily try to shorten.

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