Wednesday, December 12, 2012

What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

Congrats!  You're pregnant.  It's just such a magical time where you can watch your hemorrhoids grow and hear the sound of your ass getting fatter.  And if that wasn't joy enough, you get to deal with idiots on a regular basis commenting on your size and groping you.  So if you're an idiot or know someone who is, feel free to share this list with them of what not to say to someone who is expecting.

1.  "You're getting so big!"

Fuck you, you're getting big.  Even if I had tripled in size and was starting to form my own gravitational pull, keep your size comments to yourself.  "You look beautiful" and "You're all belly" are the only acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.  Lie to me, I'm desperate enough to believe it.

2.  "Oh it must be your hormones"

While I really do enjoy being able to blame every single bat shit crazy thing that I do and say on my hormones, let's call a spade a spade I'm pretty sure that there's something way more seriously wrong with me than a fresh batch of progesterone.  I'm pretty sure that it's an innate character flaw or some chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to act like a raving lunatic.

3.  "You'll probably go early/late/have a c-section"

Who are you nostra-fucking-damas?  Can you tell me what the winning lottery numbers are for the next power ball?

4.  "That's a big baby"

Oh, I'm sorry, are your eyes trans-abdominal ultrasound probes?  Can you take a look at my teeth and let me know if that's a cavity or just a left over poppy seed.

5.  "I don't think you're supposed to eat/drink/do that"

I've already conducted my internet research and am firmly in agreement with those geniuses over at Yahoo Answers so I don't really need your thoughts.  It's redundant.

And you know what else is annoying?  The incessant "How are you feeling?"  I'm a big offender on this myself, but when 30 people a day ask you how you're feeling it's kind of annoying.  Especially, because all they want to hear is "great", I swear at some point I'm just going to tell them "I'm gassy and boobs are so heavy I might need to start double bra-ing.  How are you?"

That last one is a little bit mean, since it comes from good intentions.  But 1-5, you need to study and memorize.  Good luck out there among all those fat hormonal pregnant ladies, you're gonna fucking need it.


Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

BWA HA HA HA HA!!! Thanks for the good laugh. I needed that today. :-)

Tammy said...

Haha, I SO remember having these exact same thoughts when some well-meaning idiot would say something!! Hope you get through this pregnancy without decking anyone, lol! (Because Lord knows I wanted to!)

Jessica Bielo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Terra H. said...

Too funny! People usually have good intentions but don't always have good judgement. They speak before they think and crap just comes out of their mouth. Pregnant women need encouragement and kind words.

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