Saturday, April 28, 2012

Remembrance

On December 3, 2012 I should have been bringing home a baby.  A son.  Once those two lines turned pink, the image in my mind was always of a squishy baby boy, with a mop of brown hair.  I imagined Christmas time with an infant.  I could visualize Andy and I bleary eyed from being up all night, sipping coffee and laughing while Isabella tears open her presents and the new baby dozes, finally, in his boppy.

I imagined what the summer would be like with a 4 year old and a 7 month old.  How we could all go swimming in the pool together and have BBQ's out on the deck.  I thought about what kind of costume I would wear to my annual Halloween party with a belly that was full and swollen with life.  I imagined  what Thanksgiving would be like as a family of 4, with an almost one year old.  All of the boys playing football inside and the kids all playing together.

Will anyone remember that sweet life that will never be?

This baby was alive to me.  I'm not talking about life at the cellular level, I know his heart had never had a chance to beat.  I know that he was growing outside of my womb.  I'm talking about life in the greater sense.  As soon as a woman becomes pregnant, she has a child.  My baby was alive and now he is dead and I don't want to forget him.  I don't want to move past this.  Of course I want to heal and have another baby, but I can't forget this child that was with me for such a short time.  Whose short life ended before we ever got to meet.

I hope this babe knew the sound of my heart and the strength of my love.  I want to remember.  I want everyone to remember.



"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."

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Friday, April 27, 2012

It's Over

Last week I wrote about the fact that my baby was measuring two weeks behind with no heart beat.  Well it's been a long road since then.  So here's the full story.  I had some minor brownish pink spotting with a smear of bright red blood two days after the initial visit.  I left work early.  I didn't tell my boss or anything, I wanted to keep things private.  The doctor said my cervix was still closed and that it all looked normal and then they took some blood work.  The next day the nurse called me and told me that my hcg levels were dropping and that I should prepare to miscarry.  I grieved for that sweet life and all the dreams I had for that baby.  But as I said, with the sudden stop of pregnancy symptoms a week after my bfp I had an inkling that something wasn't right from the start.

I went to the dr on Tuesday to confirm with an ultra sound that I had a blighted ovum, which is when the egg and sperm fertilize but never develop an embryo. I was told that I could choose to miscarry naturally or go into the hospital for a d&c, where they would evacuate the uterus. I decided that I wanted to miscarry naturally. The doctor said that I could wait for 2 weeks and if it didn't happen by then I would have to go for the procedure.

Wednesday morning I started bleeding lightly and I was happy that my body was doing what it was supposed to and I could avoid the surgery. But at lunch my doctor's office called me and told my my hcg levels were going up slightly instead of decreasing which is a sign that the pregnancy is ectopic (happening outside of the uterus). I needed to come to the hospital right away for an urgent d&c.

I was so upset that I had to go to the hospital. I was coming to terms with the fact that I had lost my baby, but I was so upset that I couldn't even miscarry in the way that I wanted, but if left untreated an ectopic pregnancy can cause the fallopian tube to burst which could cause me to bleed to death internally so the doctor was insistent that I have the procedure that day.

I spent about 6 hours in the hospital and the procedure went fine and was relatively painless. When I woke up from the anesthesia I had mild cramping like a regular period. At this point the pathologist was analyzing the tissue that was extracted during the surgery. If it had something called villi it would be considered a normal uterine pregnancy in which I could just go about my business. This was really really what I was hoping for. If it didn't have villi it would be confirmed that the pregnancy was in fact ectopic and I would need further treatment.

And because God isn't without a sense of humor, the results came back that the tissue had no villi and they needed to treat me for an ectopic pregnancy. The doctor gave me two shots of a drug called methrorexate. This is a drug typically used for chemo therapy. It attacks the fast growing cells of the embryo in my fallopian tube and breaks it down so that my body can reabsorb it. This is done to avoid laproscopic surgery so that I can save my tube and preserve my fertility. I'll have to go in often to monitor the levels of hcg in my blood. Once they drop down to less than 5 they consider the drug successful, right now my levels are about 1,700. If the drug is unsuccessful I'll have to have the surgery anyway. There's still an excellent chance they can remove the embryo without removing the tube. I also have to be extra vigilant to any pain or dizziness that would make me think that the tube burst so I don't, ya know, die.

I just couldn't have asked for worse news. Now that I've had one ectopic pregnancy my chance rises from a 1 in 100 chance to a 1 in 10 chance for a repeat ectopic. And I just don't know if I can go through this again. It feels like my own body betrayed me. I couldn't have the baby I wanted, I couldn't have the miscarriage I wanted, and now I have to wait until this drug is out of my system before we even start trying again because it can cause birth defects. I've had so many shots this past week and now I'll have to go several times a week for God knows how long to monitor my levels. It just really really sucks.
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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Shabby Apple $50 Gift Card Giveaway


You wanna know what's awesome?  Shabby Apple is awesome.  For amazing, vintage inspired dresses, color blocked skirts and blouses, and amazing accessories, Shabby Apple is it.  I, for one, have been drooling over Shabby Apple apparel for months.  I just love the pieces of clothing that are touched with whimsy and yet seem to have a modern edge.

Most Shabby Apple Giveaways center around one dress, but this one is different in that you're getting a $50 Gift Card to Shabby Apple to spend on whatever you wish.  You can shop for your body type or color preference or whatever you want.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Ummmm WTF Blogger?

Any one else having trouble with blogger publishing their posts when they are scheduled? Last week, even though I had scheduled my posts, I found that they weren't being published and I had to go in and manually publish them. Even then I just realized that my last post "roller coaster" was never published. Just the title. It was a very difficult post to write and I'm so upset that the content is lost. Anyone else having these glitches with blogger?

Friday, April 20, 2012

My Roller Coaster

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This is not the post I'm supposed to write

This was not supposed to be written.  Today I was supposed to come beaming in here and announce my pregnancy to all of you.  I was going to fill out a 7 week survey, show a picture of an u/s, and even upload a belly pic so in many months from now we can see where my big belly started from.  But this is not that post.

I found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks ago, maybe a little less.  I was overjoyed because it happened right away and with Isabella it took a few months.  But yesterday, I went to the doctor's for my first u/s and appointment.  When I had my first u/s with Isabella the tech eagerly pointed out the heart beat, the sac, all of it.  This time the tech started out very informative, "this is your ovary, I'm measuring your cervix, here is the gestational sac," and then...silence.  I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong.  When the doctor came in I could just see it on her face that something was up and when her leading question is, "Do you have any pain or bleeding?" I knew something was up.

I'm supposed to be 6 weeks 6 days (although that's based on a 28 day cycle, but I have 26 day cycles so I should probably be measuring closer to 7w1d), but the wee babe was only measuring 5 weeks 1 day, which puts me at almost 2 weeks behind with no heart beat.  I think the doctor saw me about to completely fall apart in the examination room.  She told me that she's still optimistic and that I shouldn't worry.  I need to go back next week to see if I've made a week's growth.

I'm really trying to keep my shit together, but to be perfectly honest, I feel kind of crushed right now.  I know it's early in the pregnancy, but I had dreams for this baby.  S/he was going to be due right before Christmas.  Andy and I would talk about how wonderful Christmas would be with a tiny new baby to spoil.  We talked about what life would be like with two littles around the house.  And I can't help but feel like that dream is slipping away from me.

If I'm honest, deep down I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy from the beginning.  I felt "typical" pregnancy symptoms for a few days, fatigue, nausea, sore boobs, and mood swings.  But they quickly, and abruptly, stopped.  Then I just kind of felt normal.  A little bit more bloated than usual, but nothing else, but I'm not giving up hope, I'm just being cautiously optimistic.

Obviously if you know me in real life, please nothing on facebook.  I wasn't sure if I was even going to write about this, but I'm not going to censor myself because people I know read this blog.  This is something real that I'm going through, and while for now it might be my own private hell, writing about it makes me feel better and maybe I can draw on some of your strength.

So this wasn't the post I was supposed to write.  I was supposed to be writing about my happiness and not my sorrow.  But this is the post where I ask for all of your prayers, thoughts, and good growth vibes.
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Friday, April 13, 2012

The Stay At Home Mom Bit

As a teacher, I do get a lot of time off to be with my family.  There's the Christmas break, February break, Easter break, and summer vacation.  This gives me some down time to try my hand at the sahm bit (note, I'm not equating being home for a week or even 3 months as being a permanent sahm, if this post offends you chill the fuck out).

Now I'm off from April 6th-16th...sweet and I have to say I have a real love/hate relationship with being an interim acting sahm.  I love not having to set my alarm clock.  I love that when I get up I don't have to haul ass to get ready for work.  I just wake up when Isabella comes bounding into my room and I get up, make breakfast, enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee and ease into my day.  I love that I don't have to commute anywhere.  I really really love that I don't have to go to the gym after work, that I can work out in the morning.  I love that I have the time to bake with Isabella and hit up some of the crafts that I've pinned on pinterest.  But most of all, I love that I get to spend so much time with Isabella.  I usually miss so much, but when I'm on my breaks I really do get to enjoy her a lot more.

What isn't so great is the pressure to "do something" with her all the time.  Right?  So, sure we can go to the park and play outside if it's nice out.  We go to the gym together.  I can take her to the zoo or a museum or schedule a play date.  We can craft together and enjoy a movie, but the days are just so long.  Plus, how do sahm's fill their days every day?  In the summer I'm like some sort of "What do we do today" lunatic, because staying inside all day makes me go a little off my rocker.  Andplusalso, by 3pm I'm super over everything.

All in all, I think I could rock being a sahm and I think I do a good job of acting the part when I'm home, but I do love that I have a job outside the home as well.  I think it's a great balance for our family.
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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Real Estate Purgatory

So you all know that the house is up for sale.  And honestly, I think I really had myself convinced that someone would waltz in, fall in love, and make a reasonable offer.  No muss, no fuss.  We'd be in a new house by Easter.  Yeah well, I think I've gotten a real estate sized dose of reality.

We've had a ton of showings and a successful open house and not one offer.  We've actually just dropped the listing price down 5 thousand dollars just to keep up with the competition in our complex.  The only problem is, is that we can't go much lower and neither one of us wants to rent it out.

Dropping it down the 5 thousand was hard enough, and it's still higher than comparable town houses in the complex, the only thing we have going for us is everything is so new.  We've lived here for almost 6 years and in the past 3 we've put in a brand new AC unit, a new dishwasher, a new microwave, all new windows/sliding doors, a retiled bathroom, and updated showers.

The constant cleaning every weekend for showings is making me insane, because it can't just be surface clean it needs to be deep down clean and decluttered because you just know people are perusing through your shit. It's just disheartening because I'd really love to be in a bigger place by the end of the summer, but we just can't afford to go any lower right now.

Please send me tons of real estate selling vibes or come and buy my house...please!
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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

On The Day I'm Crazy

On a normal day Andy's Maxim  magazine will come and I'll give it a once over, see if there's anything I might want to read and then go about business without giving it a second thought.

But on the day I'm crazy...I'll look at the model on the cover.  Notice how her belly doesn't pooch, her ass doesn't pucker, and her thighs don't touch.  I'll convince myself that I'll never look like her, never be beautiful, and Andy will surely leave me for a super model (because, you know, they're all throwing themselves at him).

On a normal day when Isabella acts up, I'll count her out or let her have her tantrum or just grin and bare it and wait for it to pass.

But on the day I'm crazy...I'll think that I'm the worst parent that ever lived.  I'm too indulgent or too strict, not home enough, too hands off or too "hovering".  I have myself convinced that I've either completely ruined her and/or she has an inherent character flaw that will land her in therapy for the rest of her life...surely.

On a normal day, I'll look in my closet realize that I hate everything I own and try to work with what I have, vowing that this weekend I will go shopping for myself...for real this time.

But on the day that I'm crazy, I will look in my closet, realize I hate everything I own and have a mini-mental break down.  What am I going to wear?  Why did I buy this stuff, I hate it?  These pants make me look fat.  This is too fancy.  This is too casual.  Then I go online and buy $200 worth of stuff that doesn't fit and needs to be returned anyway.

On a normal day, if I can't join my friends in a fun outing, I get a little disappointed and go about my life.

But on the day that I'm crazy, I convince myself that I'm not really their good friend, that they never want me around, and that they'll never hang out with me or make time to see my daughter ever.

Sometime we all go a little mad I think.
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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A Very Happy Easter

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday and got to spend time with your friends and family.  May your Cadbury Cream eggs not become part of your ass fat for all eternity.















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Thursday, April 5, 2012

It Really Drives Me Nuts

Isabella is awesome.  Totally smart and funny and sassy, but there are really some things about her that drive me insane...like bat shit crazy.

She doesn't sleep with a blanket.  That alone makes me suspect if she's even my child.  I don't care if it's 90 degrees with 100% humidity, I'm sleeping with a blanket.  Not just a sheet, but a blanket.  This kid sleeps in pj's with a little receiving blanket wrapped around her head.  I bought her a beautiful bedding set for her new twin bed and she refuses to sleep with it.  I'm always worried if she's too cold.  Makes me nuts.

She doesn't like hot chocolate.  Yeah, you heard me right.  What's not to love about hot chocolate?  It's warm, chocolatey, soothing, and it has marshmallows and whipped cream.  It goes perfectly with Christmas tree decorating, after playing in the snow, after a cozy bath, and while waiting on line to see Santa.  It's like a winter staple, but she doesn't like it.  I think she might be a Communist.

She won't eat Oreos.  They're Oreo cookies.  They are the greatest invention since Spanx.  That's all I have to say about that.

She eats her string cheese in bites.  She won't peel it.  This drives me nuts when I see anyone do this.  You're supposed to peel the string cheese, peel it, not nibble it.

And I just realized that the majority of my complaints are based around food.  I'm such a fatty.
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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Sleeping Update

So recently I posted about our transition to a Toddler Bed and also some Sleep Issues we were having around bedtime and I figured that I piss and moan enough about my wee one, but I really don't show her off enough.  She's been doing great.  Apparently, the best thing to do to get your kid to sleep is to write a blog post bitching about how she doesn't sleep.

We started using a sticker chart.  She gets a sticker on her chart when she stays in her bed all night (except if she has to go potty), 5 stickers and she gets a prize.  Now she's coming to an age where I can use my teaching experience to help me out a bit.  And if it's one things that kids love...it's stickers.

It's been working for the most part.  She goes to bed without a fight now, which for me was the most annoying aspect of it.  I hated fighting with her to go to bed.  Now I just read some books, sing two songs (because she's two years old, duh), stay for two minutes (noticing a theme?) and she's good to go.  I'd say out of 7 days, we've had 5 where she either slept straight through or woke up once to go to the bathroom and maybe 2 days where she was a stinker and was up more than twice for no reason.  I'll take it.

She loves getting her stickers and getting her prize and I'm so proud of how well she's handled the transition.  She really is a very adaptable little girl.  Thanks for all of your tips and advice, they really helped me out.
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Monday, April 2, 2012

Sneak Peeq $20 GC Giveaway


Sneek Peeq is a new experience in online shopping, with short sales, great deals, and new stores, where you can buy everything from clothing to housewares, to gourmet food!  Everything has a fixed price, that you can lower further by being more active on sneakpeeq and earning badges.

According to the website this is how it works: every day, Sneak Peeq puts a new set of amazing products from new brands on the site. We then take what we know about you as a sneakpeeq shopper (aka "peeqer") and present you with 3 products that we think you'll like the most. The more you participate on the site the better we can predict your personal style. You can also browse through the other stores and like, love, share, and peeq to help us learn more about you.

By playing around on the site, and sharing, peeqing, and buying items you can unlock badges. Some badges have the power to lower the prices even further!

It sounds really cool huh?  I thought so too, plus they have some really fab stuff.  Like these gorgeous candles, delicious looking chocolates, and pretty rose earrings.





So what does this mean for you?  It means that according to the Completely Eclipsed/ Sneek Peeq giveway...everybody wins.  You automatically get 20% off for entering through my site and the winner of the giveaway gets a $20 gift card as a prize.  It's a little different then the giveaways that I've run on here before in that you enter directly at there website, through my personalized link, instead of on here. Click HERE to enter.  Note, all you have to do to enter is sign up...it's that easy!

P's and Q's:  This giveaway is only for residents of the U.S. and it is only open to new member of Sneek Peeq.

This giveaway will end on April 13th.  Good luck to all who enter!




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