Monday, May 28, 2012

Be Grateful, Be Good

There are a lot of bad things that happen in this world.  A ton of really God awful things.  So many women around me are hurting.  My friend who is mourning the loss of her husband and remembering his legacy a year after he passed.  Another woman who I call friend, even though we've only connected through our mom board who lost her much wanted, and much tried for pregnancy due to a complete genetic freak accident.  And then there's my own sad story.

It's so easy to get sucked down into the darkness of that pain, to drown in sadness and let it take away the best parts of you.  I don't want what happened to me, and what happens to so many of my sweet sisters, to change who I am.

There's a lot of terrible things that happen, there's a lot of darkness, and the only thing that pushes back darkness is light.  Even if it is just barely the flicker of a candle, it can push back someone's shadow.  So I'm making more of an effort to do good, to try to make someone's day a little bit brighter.  I'm trying to go out of my way to make people happy, to give them a little bit of a light.  It makes me happy and I hope it makes them happy, and isn't happiness always better than sadness?

So be grateful for the blessings in your life and be good to those who need it.
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Saturday, May 26, 2012

I'm Done With Naps

This is one post I never thought I would write.  I, Melissa of Completely Eclipsed, have just about had my fill of naps.  Let me explain to you.  Isabella will nap about 50% of the time.  She's less than a month shy of her 3rd birthday so I still think that's pretty good.  However, to get her to nap is like trying to summon Zeus from Mount Olympus.

Who wants to sleep when wandering the house is
much more fun?
Like for reals, you need to coax, coddle, story tell, dance around, touch your 9th toe four times, squeeze your ass cheeks for 2.7 seconds and hope for the best.  Once she's asleep, you run a 50/50 chance that she's going to wake up a complete and utter bear.  "Don't talk at me.  Don't touch me.  Don't look at me...NOOOOOOOO I said don't look at me!"  That my friends is not an exaggeration.

Then the fun part begins at bedtime.  Because she's so freaking well rested that she just doesn't want to go to sleep.  Yeah, so if she takes one she takes one, but I'm kind of over the whole nap thing.
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Friday, May 25, 2012

There's a Light

Sometimes from the darkness there comes a light.  I've spent much of the last month volleying between the emotions of sadness, bitterness, and anger.  Somedays I'm doing well and I'm happy and hopeful about the future.  Other days, like when I find out someone is "oopsie" pregnant, it sends me into a tailspin of anger, guilt, and pain.

But lately, there's been more good days than bad and I feel like I'm coming to a better place in this journey.

Also, the methotrexate shot worked and all my restrictions have been lifted.  I can drink, exercise, have sex and not be afraid that I'm going to explode.

And ::whispers:: someone put an offer on the house and we accepted.  We completed attorney review and are currently in the midst of a whole gaggle of inspections.  I wasn't going to say anything yet because I know that things can fall through at any moment and I've frankly had my fill of telling people something good just to replace it with something bad.  But, guys, I'm excited.  Like really excited to look forward to the next chapter of our lives.  A new house, and after 3 periods, a new baby.

It's thrilling to come out of the darkness with a little light to guide the way.
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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Unplugging to Plug In: What's Really Important

I'll be the first to admit that I am completely addicted to my iPhone.  I love the games, access to traffic and weather, and how it blinks and glows when I have a new e-mail or notification.  It makes me feel connected in a world that can be isolating.  However, after finding this blog post (which I saw on facebook) called How to Miss a Childhood my perspective was totally and powerfully altered.

The article broke me a little bit inside because it had a resonating truth.  I was missing a childhood.  How many times had my sweet girl wanted to play with me and I told her, "Sure, just let me finish this e-mail" or "Uh huh sweetie, in a sec" as I maneuvered my way through the next level of Where's My Water.  How many times have I sat on the bench at the park and instead of watching her play, I check the latest pins on pinterest? There has been many times when she's actually come to the laptop and slammed it shut.  It breaks my heart to think of it and to see it so clearly in Hand Free Mama's post.  I saw myself in so many of those bullets and I'm ashamed of myself.

But from that realization, I can grow.  The first thing I needed to do was to think about the good things that I do.  I always keep my phone on silent.  I limit the amount of TV time we watch as a family.  We have dinner at the table every night together, except sometimes when Andy is on midnights then we have an indoor picnic on the living room floor.  We dance together and play together and we have an hour long bedtime together where my focus is solely on her.  Also, I try and give her as many experiences as I can by taking her to as many places as I can think of even if I have to go all by myself or drive insanely far away (although, I do check my phone often when I'm out).

It was time to make a change.  And I have.  When I come home from work, I leave my phone on silent in my bag and I don't go on the computer.  I fully commit myself to engaging with her.  We play as many wacky games as she can come up with.  We color.  We trace letters.  We play pretend.  And yes, sometimes we watch a cartoon together on the couch.  She helps me make dinner and then we have our usual bedtime routine.  But I won't lie and say that I still don't wish she would play a little bit by herself, not so I can play on my phone, but just so I can sit down for a minute!

When we go out, I leave my phone in my purse, except to snap a quick picture (and I'm still guilty of checking in on facebook).  Other than that, I'm either watching her explore or showing her around.  Even Andy noticed it, without me even telling him what I was doing.

I feel like a better mother, and I feel like she's a happier girl, but I still have some work to do.  When I'm at my mom's house or in a restaurant, I'm definitely still guilty of "just peeking, real quick" at my phone.  And talking on the phone when I'm in the car with her (handsfree, but still).  So I most certainly still have a ways to go, but I just feel so much less guilty.  I feel like I'm really present with her and can enjoy her more.

Do I think it's reasonable to assume that I'll never be on my phone or computer in Isabella's presence again?  No.  If she's in the car and the realtor calls or a friend I haven't spoken to in ages, I'm going to pick up.  If she's playing with her dad, I can pop on the computer and pay my student loan bill.  And I couldn't find my way around the block without my GPS.  But what I don't want is to miss a childhood.
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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Military V.A. Loan

So as many of you know I'm in the process of trying to sell my home and the whole talk of mortgages and loans and PMI and this fee and that fee is enough to make my head spin.  So when I was asked to write about Military V.A. Loan I thought it would be a great time to do it.

Moving can be expensive and saving money wherever you can is imperative.  Military V.A Loan, a highly accredited member of the Better Business Bureau, can help to save you money whether you are looking for a mortgage or hoping to save some money in refinancing, especially now since interest rates are so low.

Choosing a mortgage company should be done with great care and in the spirit of exploring all options in hopes of saving money both upfront and down the line, you should check out Military V.A. Loan, you can find them at http://www.militaryvaloan.com/ .  Now if one of you lovelies out there would care to purchase my lovely home, I might have a chance to check them out myself!

***This is a sponsored post***

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Friday, May 18, 2012

Little Miss (Lack of) Independence

I feel like for the past 6 months or so Isabella has morphed from a very dependent little girl into one that will not play by herself for two seconds no way no how.  I mean she'll literally follow me around the house from room to room all day long.  And it's not that I don't play with her, I'll totally get on the floor and play a mean game of memory.  We pretend.  We craft.  We make obstacle courses. And I try to get her out and about as much as possible since I'm apparently an epic fail at producing a playmate.

But honestly, it's not my job to play with her from sun up to sundown.  It's good for her to have some modicum of independent.  It's good for me to be able to have a cup of coffee or make a phone call without her yipping "mommy, mommy, moooooommmmmmmy" over and over again.  I'm well aware that there are women who have no problem sacrificing every waking moment to play princess dress up with their children, but I'm not one of them.

I'm really at a loss for what to do.  It's hard to just ignore her especially since the whining can literally pierce my eardrums.  I don't know, what's going on, but if you see me, there's an excellent chance you'll see my wee one trailing behind me.
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Thursday, May 17, 2012

30 Wasn't So Bad

30 wasn't so bad yesterday I have to say.  I did have one really dark moment, but I don't want to clutter up this happy post with sadness (although I will get to it).  My coworkers had a cake for me and then I came home to a surprise basket from Andy and we all went out to dinner and it was really sweet and really lovely.  And you always feel like a rock star on facebook on your birthday.

Birthday cake at work...so what if she spelled my name wrong?

My Mexican basket from Andy complete with Modela, wine, and Skinny Girl Margarita mix and of course some yummy treats.  But his real present to me was my surprise party. 

My sister made me a pony cake...not sure why but it was yummy.

And a wee pony for Isabella.


So instead of making a list that I may or may not get around to completing, I thought I'd hit you off with 30 facts about me.  Because, ya know, I keep so much in.

1.  Mean Girls is probably my all time favorite movie.

2.  I secretly wish I had red hair.

3.  I'm so sensitive that I can probably recall every not-so-nice thing anyone has ever said to me.

4.  When I'm home by myself I'll lay awake for hours thinking every little noise is a murderer trying to kill me. 

5.  In the past 3 months I've lost 15 lbs and I'm terrified I'll gain it all back in the summer when I'm off.

6.  My husband is my best friend and he never lets me down.  We've worked so hard to get our relationship to this point and he's the perfect fit for me.

7.  My favorite beer is Dogfish Head 60 minute IPA.  

8.  Stone IPA is a close second.

9.  I run very hot and cold.  I have a hot passion for something one minute, then am over it the next.  This is why I have a half dozen unfinished projects lying around.

10.  I floss my teeth every day.

11.  In the past 4 years I've grown so much as a person.  I used to be so insecure and needy and I feel like I'm really finding my voice and my confidence.

12.  I have no problem with self-deprecating humor.

14.  I'm really really sarcastic and I think that people who don't get that humor are kind of stupid.

15.  The worst part of my day is my commute.  I spend anywhere from 2-3 hours a day in the car and it is the bane of my existance...and my lower back.

16.  I don't like ice cream.  I'll eat cold stone once a year and that's it.

17.  Sometimes I'm really annoying.  Like I can tell I must be annoying other people because I annoy myself.

18.  The older I get the harder time I have holding my tongue.  I tend to just kind of say what's on my mind and call people out on their bullshit.

19.  Diet and exercise take time, but shoes will always fit.

20.  I'd consider myself to be a real girl's girl.

21.  When I get into a funk, it takes a lot to get me out of it. I'm not as prone to them as I once was, but when I get in one it's like I fall into a deep dark pit.

22.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about the baby I lost.

23.  I'm terrified of another ectopic pregnancy.  

24.  When Isabella says "Mommy" I melt every time.

25.  I never took my husband's last name.

26.  When I was 16 I snuck out of my house at 1 am to hang out with my boyfriend and I totally got busted.

27.  I have a giant fear of getting a tire blow out going 65 mph on the highway.

28.  People who are scared to drive in the car with their children by themselves really irk me.  Keeping them inside 24/7 is probably more harmful then driving with them.

29.  I like family days, but sometimes I really look forward to day trips with just Isabella and I.

30.  I sleep with a can of mace and a butcher knife in my draw, so don't try and mess with me.


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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It's My Birthday

Today I say goodbye to my 20's and timidly enter my 30's.  Now I'm not really one to get all nutso about my age, except that I kind of am.  I mean, 30 is a big birthday.  I'm happy at where I am in my life.  I have a wonderful husband, a healthy daughter, a beautiful home, a job that I love, a car that's paid off, and money in the bank.  But 30 just seems so, grown up...so scary.  I feel like I have to turn in my cool card.  I don't know it just feels weird.  I'm sure I'll adjust.

But I almost forgot that last year I made my 30 Before 30 list.  I'm usually a big fat fail when it comes to sticking to lists, save for my weekly to-do list, so let's see how I did.

1.  Buy a piece of designer clothing, not a Canal street special.  Something classic that will always be in style. 
Yes!  I have a beautiful Michael Kors bag that I love.  It's a black structured bag and I love it.  
2.  Go to a beer garden with Andy
This was a fail, but really not my fault.  The one we were supposed to go to was on May 4th and I was in the process of recovering from my mtx shot and couldn't drink. 

3.  Throw a mystery dinner party for my friends
Nope


4.  Have a grown up tea party
Nope
5.  Spend an entire day by myself doing nothing
Oh yes!  Several and they were gloriously spent watching The RHOBH and eating gourmet chocolate because you just can't have the cheap stuff when you're watching someone's dog eat better than you do. 


6.  Go away for a girl's weekend
Vegas baby yeah!  Probably the best trip I've ever taken.  I also spent a night down the Jersey Shore with some girlfriends last summer too.

7.  Have a mani/pedi day with Isabella
We've actually done this a bunch of time.  Once I took her to a fancy little girl salon and a few times she's just tagged along with me when I needed to go. 
8.  Go to that Japanese restaurant that I always see in my neighborhood
Andy and I did this and even though it was a bit pricey it was really delicious.  
9.  Make a new friend
Aside from the fact that this item is completely lame, I totally picked up a friend in Florida.  She also happens to be a blogger so go and check her out @ My Two Cents Plus Haikus


10.  Get a post syndicated on BlogHer
No, see below
11.  Figure out exactly what BlogHer is all about.
No every time I go on that site it makes my inner technophobe pee in her grandma panties.  Can someone explain it to me like I'm an idiot?
12.  Go to a happy hour in the city with my girls
Yes, and I think I may have eaten some sort of kangaroo pie that night. 
13.  Rent a hotel room with Andy close by just to have a night away from home with a little decadence. 
Yeah, no that didn't happen.  I refuse to pay a hundred bucks to sleep 2 miles from my house.  This was stupid. 
14.  Go shopping for myself for a change.  In the mall not online. 
Yes.  I don't think I mentioned it because my life was too busy being a horror show, but Andy and my sister threw me an amazing 30th birthday party at a bar I love in the city and I took a whole day to burn up those gift cards. 


It was Mardis Gras themed


15.  Plan a surprise date night for Andy
No, I fail as a wife. 
16.  Take a gym class by myself
Nah, being by yourself is over rated. 
17.  Make a will
No, I fail as a mom as wel. 

18.  Read 20 books
I don't think I officially counted, but I'm practically positive I've read 20 books. 
19.  Buy a statement necklace
More than one
20.  Have a slumber party...grown up style
No, I've slept with grown ups but I wouldn't call it a party. 
21.  Reconnect with an old friend
My friend Buffy just moved to Jersey and we're planning a play date so I may have just squeaked this one in under the wire. 
22.  Make a signature cocktail
I like beer and have yet to figure out how to brew my own, so no.


 
23.  Have a picnic in the park
We had an ice cream picnic last year. 
24.  Go on a mini-vacation without the baby
Andy and I went away for the weekend.  It was nice.  I slept a lot. 
25.  Buy someone a really nice gift
Besides myself?  I think I may need to spend my 30's being less selfish. 
26.  Wear a bikini (Body willing)
No.  I did wear a monokini in Vegas, but I just can't bring myself to go out in a bikini even though I'm about 2lbs away from my goal weight.  My belly is just smooshy. 
27.  Take my computer to starbucks and write in peace even though I always think those people are giant douchers.  It's quiet and there's nobody bugging me.
LOL I can't do this.  I really just can't. 
28.  Try a new look: one that I would normally say no to.  I can probably have my sister pick something out for me.
My lower half has been candy colored on more than one occasion.  I've also worn sequins and rock red lipstick quite a bit. 
29.  Figure out how to get the videos from my camera onto a computer
No they'll die in that cannon video cam. 
30.  Get a celebrity to tweet me
I don't want to brag, but Alex McCord from RHONY totally tweeted me.  






Birthday gifts from my girl.  


Not a completely epic fail. 
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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Google History

It's amazing what you can tell about a person from their google history.  It's like you can see their whole story; their hopes, worries, fears, desires.  Mine looks a little something like this over the past 2 months:

"Due date calculator"

"5 weeks pregnant"

"6 weeks pregnant"

"Fun ways to announce a pregnancy"

"Announcing a pregnancy at Easter"

"Big sister T-shirts"

"Sudden stop of pregnancy symptoms"

"1st trimester signs of pregnancy"

"Not feeling pregnant in the 1st trimester"

"Percentage of risk of miscarriage by week"

"Baby measuring 2 weeks behind at first ultra sound"

"Baby measuring behind and no heart beat at 7 weeks"

"Dropping hcg levels"

"Can hcg levels drop and then rise back up"

"How long to wait after a miscarriage before ttc"

"Misoprostol"

"Success stories of misoprostol"

"D & C or misoprostol"

"Ectopic pregnancy"

"Chance of recurring ectopic pregnancy"

"Methotrexate"

"Side effects of methotrexate"

"How long to wait to after methotrexate before having another baby"

"Effectiveness of methotrexate"

"Success after ectopic pregnancy stories"

Yup my whole life boiled down to the google history in my cache.  Time to clear it out and start a new story.
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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there.  Whether you're breast feeding, formula feeding, co-sleeping, sleep training, stay at home, work from home, working mom, or whatever other identifiers we use to categorize and divide ourselves.  Today we're all just moms looking for a little recognition of a job well done.

And for all the mothers out there who are in need of a little comfort because they lost their mother or because they lost their child I hope you find your peace.  Mother's day is bittersweet when you are missing for and longing for a life you lost.
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Friday, May 11, 2012

I Know

I know that my house will sell quickly and fairly.

I know that the anger and sadness will fade.

I know that I am grieving and should allow myself to do so.

I know that I will have a successful pregnancy with a happy and healthy baby.

I know that I am surrounded by people who love me.

I know that I can be happy without feeling guilty.

I know that I have been on the wrong side of every statistic that the doctor's have given me.  20% chance of a miscarriage. 1% chance of ectopic. 10% chance of a pseudosac in the uterus.  So when they told me that the metrotrexate had an 85% chance of working the first time around, I wasn't interested.  We'll see how it goes.

I know that I've been to the doctor's office 7 times in the last 3 weeks.

I know that I'm sick of waiting for this to be over.


I know that by waiting to have a second child I did no harm to Isabella not having a brother or sister closer to her age and shame on anyone who has tried to make me feel otherwise.  What's with the "She doesn't have anyone to play with," comments?  Ummm, I was saving money so I could buy a better home for her and I just wasn't ready.  People need to quit it with the highly inappropriate comments.  I own my choices.

I know that I'm ready to move on with my life.
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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Bitter, Party of 1

I'm angry.  And bitter.  It's not fair what happened to me.  I should be 10 weeks pregnant right now complaining of morning sickness and heart burn, examining my stomach in the mirror to see if I've sprouted a bump.  I shouldn't be recovering from a d&c, I shouldn't have to be terrified of a tube rupture because of an ectopic pregnancy, I shouldn't be wishing for a period to come so I can be that much closer to TTC again.

I'm basically throwing a 29 year old temper tantrum and raging at the universe because I didn't get what I wanted.

I'm also being bitter.  I hate begrudging other people's happiness and it's usually so unlike me, but lately I've been avoiding people I know are pregnant.  I've been all, "Why does Snooki get to have a baby and not me?"  I've actually gone so far as to schedule a doctor's appointment at a particular time so as to avoid a run in with a woman whose due date would have been right near mine.  It's ugly and I hate it because it's not who I am.

And I'm also pretty pissed off that I still can't have any alcohol (the methotrexate is processed by the liver and I can't over tax it), exercise (what if I think the pain is from exercise but it's really a tubal rupture), or have sex (the discharge papers from the hospital said "nothing in the vagina").  I'm mad that  I don't have my normal life with my normal schedule with normal doses of wine.

I need to remind myself that just because someone else has something that's good, it doesn't mean that they stole it away from me.

This was real.  Just because the baby never lived doesn't make it any less real.  

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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Rent Textbooks at Campus Book Rentals

You know what was awesome about college? Keg parties, hanging out on the great lawn with my friends, college boys, and all the high stakes drama and excitement of feeling like an adult for the first time.  You know what sucked about college?  Buying textbooks.  You know what I'm talking about right? When you spend 2 hours searching for the books you need, another 45 minutes waiting in line, then you drop $300 bucks for a semesters worth of books only to sell them back for $4.17 at the end of the year because the editors added 1 new photograph and 2 new definitions and now they're creating a whole new edition.  CampusBookRentals.com can help.


Campus Book Rentals is an organization that rents textbooks.  That's right, you don't have to drop a fortune on textbooks.  Just visit www.campusbookrentals.com and you can rent them for 40-90% off the bookstore prices.  Plus, you don't have to waste time searching through your campus bookstore or waiting online as shipping is FREE both ways.

Also, the renting period is flexible.  You can choose 135 days for a full semester, 85 days for a quarter, 55 days for the summer, or you can choose your own dates.  Worried you won't have your books in time for the first day of class?  No worries.  You can order early because a 15 day grace period is built right in there for you.  Also, feel free to highlight right in the textbook if you feel like it.

Campus Book Rentals has been around since 2007 pioneering for textbook rentals.  There's a 30 day money back guarantee if you're not completely satisfied, plus, if you have a problem there's live support to help you out.

And probably the coolest thing about this company, they've partnered with Operation Smile.  If you're unfamiliar with Operation Smile they are an organization that pays for cleft palate surgeries for families that couldn't afford them otherwise.  With each textbook rental, Campus Book Rentals will donate to Operation Smile making a difference in countless children's lives.

So if you're in college, the parent of a college aged person, or continuing your own degree with higher education, before you drop a bundle on textbooks, check out Campus Book Rentals at www.campusbookrentals.com

***This is a sponsored post***
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It Takes a Village

They say it takes a village to raise a child.  I would also like to add that it takes a village to heal from a loss.  Since my very first doctor's appointment straight through the news of the miscarriage to the surgery to the ectopic pregnancy my support system has rallied.

My husband, Andy, has been beyond amazing.  We've always had a really great relationship, but this has brought us even closer together.  From taking me out to dinner when he knew that cooking was the last thing on my mind, to holding me while I cried, he's baked me cookies when he knew that I (still) couldn't drink because of the methotrexate.  He sat by me the entire time in the hospital, asked questions to the doctor, and managed to make me laugh in the most grim of situations.  He continues to take care of me, even though the worst has passed.  And for that I'll always be grateful.

My sister, Meaghan, has driven me to doctor's appointments or watched Isabella so I could go.  My friends text me daily and came up to help with Isabella when I couldn't lift her.  They ran errands with me and let me know daily that they are thinking of me.  And my mom has taken Isabella any time I needed her to.

And I cannot even express how you're comments and emails help to soothe my grieving spirit.  I know that it's probably not easy to read post after post that deals with loss and pain and grief, but you've never told me to "buck up" or "move on."  You've shared your stories, given me permission to fully feel this pain, and kept me in your prayers.  I can never thank you enough.  You will never truly know the extent of my gratitude for each and every one of you who have stuck by me through this journey.

With my village I know I will heal.
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Friday, May 4, 2012

What Not to Say

Just like births affect more than the mother, so do losses.  There has been such an outpouring of love from the friends and family that know of our loss that it's overwhelming.  However, if someone you know is dealing with a miscarriage, there are a few things that you might want to avoid saying.  Now in the spirit of things, I absolutely understand that no one says thing with malicious intent.  Everyone has love in their heart and comes from a place of good, but if you can avoid adding hurt where there's already an abundance, I'd err on the side of caution.

1. Don't say "Everything happens for a reason"  Intellectually I know this is true.  There may have been a chromosomal abnormality or in my case, an ectopic pregnancy, but to a grieving mother, who is only dealing with raw emotions, there is no reason in the world good enough that this should have happened to her.  Every time someone said this to me I wanted to throat punch them.

2.  Don't tell her, "Don't worry, you'll be pregnant again soon."  In my case I knew that "soon" meant a minimum of 3 months, which felt like an eternity.  But even still, it was difficult for me to imagine another baby when I haven't even grieved this one.  I may be alone in this one, but it made me sad to think people were trying to push this pregnancy under the rug.  It happened and another baby won't erase it.

3.  Try and offer specific help.  Everyone kept telling me, "Oh if you need anything let me know," but I didn't know what I needed.  I think I needed people just to show up.  Go grocery shopping for me.  Take Isabella out for pizza.  Bring me Chinese food and trashy TV shows.  Come and visit and just sit with me.  I never knew how to ask for it, because it seemed too much of an imposition.  So just show up and be there.  Oh, and if I take you up on your offer for help, be prepared to follow through, even if it's on a weekend.  I understand that my life just turned into a horror show and yours didn't, but try and fit me it.

4.  Listen and ask questions.  It's funny because explaining the medical aspects to people who didn't understand it actually made me feel better.  When my friends let me rage and spit angry bitterness without judgement that helped me.  It helped me to talk about it.  So if you're unsure about something, just ask.  Trust me I had no problem saying, "I don't want to talk about it," when I didn't want to.

5.  Share your story.  When people reached out with their own story of loss it made me feel less alone.  It made me feel like I was with my sweet sisters in some sort of club that no one wanted to be in and no one could get out of it.  It made me feel like I was part of something bigger and that my loss mattered and that someone out there knew exactly how I was feeling, even in my darkest moment.  Don't be silent.  There's nothing to be ashamed of.

6.  Sense the moment.  If you're out at a big party, maybe you want to pull her aside or wait to the end to bring it up so that you don't get her upset in front of a crowd.  Work might not be the best place to have this discussion.  It's tricky, but just try and be sensitive to the situation.  No one likes to cry at work.  My boss sent me a text message from right next door.  She knew it's easier to respond that way than to have to fight through the lip quiver and shaky voice in person.
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Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Waiting Place

To me there is nothing worse than waiting.  Waiting for doctor's appointments.  Waiting in doctor's offices.  Waiting for test results.  Waiting for phone calls.  Waiting for blood work.  Waiting for answers.

The uncertainties are killing me.  I need, so desperately for this to be over.  I need to heal.  I need closure. I need to mourn this loss without worry of what's going to happen next.  I need to know that the methothrexate worked.  That I don't need another dose.  That my period will come.  That in a few months time I can start trying to get pregnant again.

I need this to be over.  I hate this place.  The waiting place.
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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It's the Strangest Things

After losing this baby to an ectopic pregnancy there is a lot of sadness.  Sometimes it's found in the obvious places, like when I think about Christmas and how I should have had a squalling new bundle at home under the tree.  Or when I think about how I was looking at Halloween costumes that would accommodate my growing belly.  Or when I go shopping for new clothes for summer and I think about how I should be wearing maternity clothes then.

But sometimes it's the strangest and smallest things that catch me off guard and take my breath away.  Like when I was organizing under my bathroom sink and I saw a box of tampons.  That makes me sad because now I have to have my period.  Or when I had a beer (between finding out about the miscarriage and learning it was ectopic, no alcohol for me now thanks to my good friend methotrexate) and it tasted like bile because I was supposed to be pregnant, not drinking.

Or when I realize that there's so many people that are close to me, that I love, that will never know.  Maybe someday I'll be able to tell them, but now I just can't talk about it.  The words catch in my throat and stick there, like a fly on a web.  What do you say anyway?  I was pregnant now I'm not.  My baby died.  I could have died.  How do you look at a friend who you love and tell them that?

I was looking through my work calendar today and I was wondering why I had circled May 22.  I didn't have a meeting or a deadline for paperwork.  Oh, right, that's the day I would have been able to announce my pregnancy.

There's just a lot of sadness around me.  My blog has become a bit macabre, but it reflects my life.  When I'm happy and silly the blog is light.  When I'm sad, it's heavy.  We're in a heavy stage my friends.
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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Crawling Out of My Hole

I basically spent all weekend curled up and tucked away inside myself.  Friday my mom took Isabella to a princess ball at a local museum.  Saturday my two girlfriends came over to help out with Isabella and on Sunday my parents took her to a family party that I bowed out of.  So I did have a lot of time that I needed to myself.

I just needed to feel sad.  To really get down deep into my grief and fear.  Not only to mourn this baby that I lost, but also the time to process and worry about my own health.  Will this pregnancy rupture?  Will I lose my tube?  Will I bleed to death?  What if it burst in my sleep and I don't feel it and I die?  What if I get pregnant again and this happens again?  Will I be able to get pregnant again?  Will the shot work?  Will my hcg levels go down?

Question after question.  Fear after fear. Uncertainty after uncertainty.

So I hunkered down and swam in my fears.  I didn't run from them, I wallowed in them.  I stuck close by my pain and let it drown me.  I wore baggy, formless clothes.  I wrapped myself in soft blankets.  I depleted the remaining Cadbury Cream egg supply.  I cried.  I ate.  I worried.

Yesterday I crawled out of that hole.  I woke up for work.  I did my hair.  I wore new clothes.  On the way to work I prayed.  I don't think I've prayed much since this started.  I was never particularly upset or angry with God, but I can't say that I was pleased with Him.  I prayed for strength to get through this.  I prayed that I wouldn't stay ugly and bitter.  I prayed to be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  I counted my blessings.  I said affirmations.

I felt better.  Not good.  Not normal.  But better.  I think being in my hole was really helpful.  Sometimes we need to cocoon up with our pain and allow ourselves to feel every gut wrenching emotion without guilt or censorship.
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