Sunday, September 30, 2012

A Trip to the ER

Today was a very long and very scary day for me.  A few weeks ago in Disney I started spotting brown.  I promptly freaked the eff out, but was talked down from the ledge by my mommy board members due to the fact that the blood was brown (old), was probably due to the incessant walking, and sex that I had the day before.  I mentioned it to my dr at my appointment and she also told me it was fine.

Yesterday morning I wake up to a brownish/pink discharge on the tissue when I wiped.  I called the dr because there was some pink in there and she told me to just rest and take it easy.  This morning I woke up and there was bright red blood when I wiped.  Like bright red and a lot more than spotting.  I completely fell apart thinking that I was going to lose yet another baby.  I lied down in bed choking on my tears, when I had a really strange feeling of calm and peace come over me.  It was the weirdest thing to me because I was so upset and just waiting for my parents to get home so Andy could take me to the hospital and to have such a peaceful feeling come over me at that time was so odd and disconnected from my perceived reality.  But I was able to fall back asleep for a few more hours.

When I woke up, I was still spotting red, but it was much lighter.  I put a call into my doc who told me that I could either just rest for the rest of the day and come into the office tomorrow as long as it didn't get worse or I could go to the ER to get checked out.  I decided on the latter.

A lot of blood tests, an ultra sound, and a lot of waiting later we left with the good news that the baby was fine.  It has a nice strong heartbeat of 160 bpm and had made good growth.  The only thing that concerned me was that I'm measuring 7+6 instead of 8+1.  The dr wasn't worried because he said that different machines have different sensitivities and that the important thing was that the baby had a good strong heart beat.

Since they couldn't find a source or reason for the bleeding, I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage which is really scary to hear, but the doctor said that's what they call any vaginal bleeding during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy and that 90% of the time the pregnancy progresses without complication.  The u/s tech even said that some women bleed red throughout their entire pregnancy.  I was told to take it easy and to come back if the bleeding got worse or I had any bad cramping.

Today was supposed to be a really great day.  We were meeting with the contractor to go over some things for the kitchen.  Then Andy had tickets to the giants game and I had a wedding to go to that I was really looking forward to.  I even borrowed a pretty dress from my sister.  But I guess that's why they say "you plan and God laughs."  I've never been a no show at the wedding, but when I brought it up to the dr, he said that he would really advise against it and that I should rest for the rest of the day.

I feel much better now than I did this morning.  But I'd be lying if I said I felt completely safe.  I don't feel safe at all.  I you to send me tons of sticky baby dust and anti-red bleeding dust.
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There  are many up's and down's during a pregnancy but having the right antenatal care tailored to you is essential. There are a various local private hospitals in Edinburgh UK which provide treatment before and after the birth of your child.


Thursday, September 27, 2012

I've Been Keeping a Secret

A very small, very sweet, 7 and a half week old secret.


We have one wee babe that survived the journey through my deformed tubes and found it's place in my ute.  It has a nice strong heartbeat and my EDD is May 11, 2013 which is also my mom's birthday.  Today I am 7w5d.  I've been really nervous since that test came up "pregnant" that I would have another ectopic.  I went for many, many blood draws and was assured that my betas were normal and doubling in a way they never did for my ectopic.  But it wasn't until Monday when I went for the u/s and saw the tiny baby right where s/he was supposed to be.

I've been feeling really sick with this pregnancy.  The nausea comes in waves all day long, but I've managed to skate by with minimal heartburn, which was torturous with Isabella.  And being pregnant all by yourself is a lot different than being pregnant with a toddler so the exhaustion is hitting all new peaks.

But I'm happy and hopeful that this baby will stick.  I still have about 4 weeks until I'm out of the "red zone" and I have a really good feeling about this one.
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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Confessions

Not my confessions, I actually don't think I have any good, juicy confessions right now.  But I did find a bunch of people who do.  If you've already been reading Scary Mommy's confessions for, like, ever and are all like "Get with the program Melissa."  I'd have to yell at you for not telling me sooner.  I am seriously addicted to that site.

Sometimes the confessions make me giggle.  Sometimes they make me really sad.  Sometimes they disgust me.  Sometimes they make me say, "omg me too!" and sometimes they make me feel a whole lot better about myself.

Let's dissect some.

The funny ones:

"It sucks to realize someone unfriended you on FB, only when FB suggests that you add them as a friend."

I think a lot of us can relate to that and it is kind of funny.

"I just started a change jar toward saving for a tummy tuck and vaginoplasty. $0.07+, only down $19,999.93. Looks like I'll be one hot looking grandmother one day. FML"

One hot granny with a sexy new vagina bwahahahaha

"Masterbating after h went work cause I don't want to fuck a fat man who decided it would be cool to stop shaving everything. If its hairy I'm not touching it."

Ok, this is sucky for her, but hilarious for me to read.  Shave it off fat man!

The sad ones:

"I have to lose at least thirty pounds so I dont get the "you need to lose weight" talk again form my dad at thanksgiving. and fifty by christmas so i can actually be in the picture this year. my oldest is 1o and havent yet"

I hate to think of anyone being belittled or feel so ashamed of themselves that they exclude themselves from family events.  It makes me sad to think that when this woman looks in the mirror she hates what she sees.

"We are broke, and the next paycheck is going to cover all of our overdue bills. Since I have been to sick to work for a week. That means eating crackers and water for dinner again for a week. HATE seeing my son cry!"

This breaks my heart.  If there was some way to know who this woman is I would send her groceries.  There are so many posts like this, that it makes me sick to my stomach that so many families in this country have to go hungry.

"I tried to kill myself tonight, I failed at that have spent the last hour puking up what I swallowed and my LO came in sleepy eyed dragging his blankie and asked me if I wanted some water for my bellyache, FML"

This is so very, very sad.

The weird sex ones:

"I think I might be falling in love with the guy my husband and I are sleeping with right now. Problem? He's married. I want them to break up so we can make him our third."

Wait!  What?  I don't understand...if you're both sleeping with him, isn't he already a third?  And fyi, there are apparently a bunch of devil's threeways going on.  For some reason, when I think of married people having threeways it's always 2 chicks.  Guess I'm just old fashioned.

"BF dared me to put fruit in my vejayjay for him to eat...all I can think of is getting a yeast infection from the sugar. Thanks honey, but I think you can eat fruit from a bowl and not my p@ssy! SMH"

LOL!  People are weird.  I feel her concerns.  Gives new meaning to the term, sour grapes.

"My lover said he dreams of suckling me. So I encouraged him and today he sucked me and made my breasts leak even though I haven't nursed for 12 years. It was erotic and intimate as hell and I want to do it more."

So what leaked?  I feel like I'm missing some big part of the equation with this one.

The ones that make me feel better about my life:

"Dh will read some blurb on the internet and thinks that makes him an expert on the subject. So annoying and embarrassing."

Andy doesn't read so I never have to worry about this ;)

"Sometimes I fucking hate my husband. He's so great to everyone else. Everyone thinks I'm married to a great guy because he's mr. wonderful in public but he's really a huge asshole."

It makes me so upset that there are so many, and I mean tons of confessions from women, who hate their husband and are miserable in their marriage.  Many of them hate their children and life in general.  I'm sure many of them are written in one of those moments that we all get from time to time, but I hate to think that so many people are that depressed with their life.

The ones that make me say "OMG me too!":

"I am so depressed...worked out all month and actually the same weight as when I started. Sweating, panting, and everything. This sucks!"

So frustrating riiiiiight?

"I now understand why people say....I like MY kids...and dislike everyone else's!!"

Well, not everyone else's, but many of them!  While I'm sure mine never annoys anyone because she's just so epically awesome.

"I think Michelle Duggar is freaking crazy."

Anyone who has that many children willingly has to be nuts.


I've never confessed anything on the site, but it has become quite the time suck.  I think it's wonderful that there's a judgement free place to confess what weighs heaviest on you.  Keep confessing ladies.  And if you're really that miserable with your life that you're thinking of ending it...please get help.  There's no shame in it.
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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Wedding

Another reason for my lack of posts lately is that I've been prepping for my cousin Christina's wedding to her fiance, Mike.  There's something so innocent about a wedding.  Something so fascinating about bearing witness as a couple is on the brink of starting a brand new chapter in their life.  They haven't been tainted yet by the everyday hum drum and routine of married life and little "quirks" of their partner.

I may not always sing Andy's praises, but I'm very happy in my marriage and I know that people say, "marriage is a lot of work" and it's not that I completely disagree with that.  It does take work to keep lines of communication open, to keep the trust, and to be able to work out differences as they arise, but it doesn't feel like work to me.  It's not like I'm trudging away at my marriage like I would at a full time job.  I love being married to Andy.  He's super duper helpful in that he's very hands on with Isabella, does bath time, plays with her, takes her places, gets her dressed (although he leaves the hair to me).  He's also really on point with helping me.  He sets up my coffee and will help me make my lunch and any time my car is making a weird noise he always takes care of it.

I'm a lucky girl and I don't forget that.

I'm not saying he's perfect, he's obsessed with football, probably drinks too much beer, his indoor voice sounds like an outside voice, and you have to nag gently remind him to do things, but I'm not perfect either.

We both try.  We both call each other out when we need to (I'm better at this than he is).  We love each other.

I hope that Christina and Mike get through the "bumpiness" of the first year and find a deep and long lasting happiness.

She was such a gorgeous bride

Me and Andy at the church.  I'm not a fan of jeans in church, but that's just me

Me, my sister, and my dad

Most of the lovely bridal party

Me and my cousin Christie
If you're wondering, those are my new extensions.  They're clip ins and I've had them about a month and I'm obsessed with them.  It also took a very talented team of hair and makeup people to make me look like that, but I was very happy with the results.  I felt very glamorous.
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Monday, September 24, 2012

Disney Trip

So I've been a little MIA lately and if you follow me on facebook, which you totally should, you know that part of the reason why is because I was in Disney World.  Woot Woot!

We booked the trip in June of last year because we had a time share week that was about to expire in December.  I had off on Monday and Tuesday for Jewish New Year so we decided to jam pack a long weekend full of magical Disney fun.

We didn't tell Isabella until we were in the car on the way to the airport and she was so excited!  God I just love Disney.  Even though we were only in the parks for 3 days, we still had a blast.  This year she wasn't as fond of the fireworks as she was when we went last summer.  But she was crazy about the rides...The Barnstormer, Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, Small World, Finding Nemo, Turtle Talk, The Great Movie Ride, Pirates of the Caribbean, and all the shows.

We had a blast and there's always something so magical about being in Disney.




















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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Chakra Healing Review

I've always been very open on here about how I believe in meditation, affirmations, and how your thoughts effect your reality.  So when Mind Valley approached me about doing a review for their Chakra Healing System, I thought it would be a great fit.

Now I know when I talk about things like this most of you picture a Buddhist yogi sitting crossed legged chanting "om" and contemplating the buzz of a mosquito, but it's not like that I swear.  Even I was a little unsure about Chakras because I never read much about them, but it seemed like it would be right up my alley and it totally was.

In this course you get to watch the instructors work through all seven chakras giving you specific techniques and exercises that are meant to open up, energize, and heal each specific one. You can download the videos and watch them whenever you have time, which is great for us busy moms on the go.  You also get bonus material that teaches you how to induce healing in others and how your thoughts can effect people regardless of geography.  Also, you get 7 clearing scripts and reframes that is meant to enrich your healing work on your chakras

I've learned that each chakra represents something in your life...for example, the root chakra deals with birth issues, survival patterns, generational patterns, money, food and health issues, grounding and the personal power chakra deals with the relationship with yourself, personal power, self-esteem, freedom from shame, self-worth, personal thoughts and image of yourself.

I haven't finished the entire thing because I really want to take my time with it and because I'm busy and I can't dedicate tons of time to it...no worries...no judgement...take your time.  If you know anything about chakra healing let's talk about it!  If you're looking to explore this venue, give Mind Valley a chance.

**I was not provided with any monetary compensation for this post.  I was however given a free trial of the program so that I could offer my unbiased opinion.  
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Monday, September 10, 2012

Pre-Schooler

We have ourself a very successful little preschooler!  Last week Isabella went to her first day of preschool.  Part of me was sad that she was heading on this very grown up path of education, but most of me was proud that she was ready and excited for it.

Isabella loved school!  She loves her teachers, she loves her new best friend Cate, and she loves the girl with the curly hair and "the beautiful face, just like mine."  She came home singing songs I never taught her and talking about a book I never read to her.  Thursday was only a half day and she'll start full day this week.  Tuesdays and Thursdays 8:30-2:15.  Such a big girl.

I still worry about her using the bathroom and eating her lunch and if the kids will be nice to her (she really is very sensitive), but I know she's going to do great and I am so very proud of my girl.

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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Back to Work

After a long and lazy summer, I've headed back to work to teach third grade.  I went back on Tuesday and Wednesday for some meetings, but the kids come today.  I'm always so excited and nervous to meet my new class.  It's so strange and awkward at the beginning as we get to know each other, but by the end of the year we're like family.

And I have to say, that although I love summer, sleeping in, lounging by the pool, staying up late, eating dinner outside, and whatnot, I'm ready for it to be over.  I'm ready to go back to work and Isabella is ready to start school (today is her first day too squeeeeee!!!!).  I thrive as a working mom.  Some women were meant to stay home...they're natural at it.

Not me and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel the slightest bit guilty saying that.
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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

TTC

TTC, or Trying to Conceive, is such a unique process.  Some people are very relaxed and chilled out about it and others become obsessed and completely wrapped up in it.  Some people count the days until they can pee on that stick, while others are a week late before the thought even occurs to them.  Some people get pregnant in the blink of an eye, while others build their family through medical interventions or adoption.  This post is meant to reflect on no ones TTC journey other than my own.

When Andy and I decided that we wanted to start a family, I went into it like I do everything else...completely prepared.  I researched, I found my footing in a mom message board, I bought a thermometer and got myself a Fertility Friend account and I was set.  I was consumed by dates and counting and cervical mucus and charts and looking back it seems so exhausting!  But there was no child around to suck out my energy.

But studying my charts did let me onto the fact that I had a fairly short luteal phase and I started taking some vitamin B6 and bam pregnant the next cycle.  It only took 3 months.  It seemed like forever at the time when the two week wait seemed like an eternity and I obsessed about when we were going to have sex.  Honestly?  It felt like a job.  It wasn't enjoyable, but it did give me a sense of control that I love.

It took us a long time to be ready to try again.  We were happy as a family of three and knew we wanted to be a bit more financially stable before we expanded.  At least it seemed like a long time to me.  Most of the people I knew were in the 2 under 2 boat and we didn't start trying until Isabella was almost 3.

Andy and I decided that we would just kind of go with it and see what happened.  I started taking my pre-natal and B6 about a month before we started and I got pregnant right away.  From the start I knew something was off with that pregnancy and if you've followed my journey, you know I lost that baby to an ectopic pregnancy.

It would be 3 months before we were able to ttc again due to the effects of the mtx shot.  Once we were given the all clear, we tentatively started trying.  We were both a bit nervous so we didn't really push it, plus Andy was on midnights so there wasn't a ton of time for us to, ya know...do it.  So I basically wrote off that cycle and when my period came I was pretty excited to really get into it.  This time I was armed with a CBEFM because I know some wonderfully generous women.

This both filled my need to pee on stuff and have a general outline of my cycle and still kind of be free and have fun with it.  But I still analyze every twinge wondering if it's an egg getting stuck in the fallopian tube.

I'm making myself nuts and it's hard to take the ever popular advice to just "relax" when you are completely and utterly terrified of a tubal pregnancy or worse, a tubal rupture.  Some women don't even know they're pregnant and then they're in the ER with an abdomen full of blood.  It's a scary reality.

I hate that my miscarriage has tainted this process for me.  I hate that so many women struggle with fertility.  I hate that someone who wants a baby so bad can't have one.  I hate that every month women and their husbands are disappointed.  I hate one pink line.  If you're struggling with ttc then I hate this for you.

I'm lucky that I'm able to get pregnant quickly.  I know that I'm lucky and I'm really grateful for that.  Honestly, even though I am very scared of another loss, I'm still trying to have fun with the process and just kind of roll with it. So we'll see...

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I wrote this post about two weeks ago and wasn't sure if I should even publish it or not, but whatever I did.
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Monday, September 3, 2012

I'm Feeling Fat

I haven't weighed myself in well over a month.  At least since my trip to Ocean City.  That's not usually like me.  I usually weigh myself like clockwork:  buck ass naked on Monday morning.  But I already know what the scale is going to tell me:  "You're getting fat homegirl"

Now I know I'm not fat.  I'm a lot thinner than I was last year at this time and even then I wouldn't use the word "fat" to describe myself, so please don't think I'm trying to fish for compliments.  I'm definitely getting a bit fluffier.

I work out religiously at the gym and for the most part I eat healthy, but I do tend to fall off the wagon quite a bit and once I'm off...I'm way off.

Here's what a week looks like for me:

Monday:  I'm so glad that I'm starting to eat healthy again today.  No alcohol and no carbs at all today so I can detox from the weekend.  I'm gonna hit the gym and this is going to be the first day of the rest of my life.  I know I can do it!  I'll eat perfectly and work out hard core today.

Tuesday:  I'm still on my Monday high and pretty much eating very healthy and working out.  Carbs have made their way in in moderation, but nothing white and still no alcohol.

Wednesday:  I'm going to the gym, but I'm dragging ass.  I'm still following my meal plan, but maybe sneaking in a few bites here and there or having a "small" snack and not tracking it.

Thursday:  This is where I usually completely lose my shit.  I'll eat good all day, maybe take a rest day from the gym after killing it all week.  Then after Isabella goes to bed I'll reward myself with just one small glass of wine, which turns into three, and oh, don't late night cheese and crackers go great with wine?

Friday:  I'll wake up so disappointed with myself.  "How could you eat and drink like that last night?  You've been so good all week!"  I'll go to the gym to try to burn it off, but I'll be really weighed down from all the late night food that my run will be sub-par and I'll be copping out after 4 sets instead of 5.  But I'll eat really good, until dinner.  Then I'll eat a heavy dinner, because hey it's Friday and Friday's are fun.  You know what's fun?  Beer.  What goes great with beer?  Doritos!

Saturday:  Oh fuck it, I've been a sloth all weekend I'm just going to go to town.

Sunday:  Guilt spewing all over the place from Friday night and Saturday.  I'm cleansing myself today. I won't track, because at this point why bother.  But I'll eat moderately, won't workout because it's a day of rest (and obviously I'm so very holy), track my food for next week and eagerly await Monday morning so I can start fresh.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Apparently you don't lose weight by only eating healthy half the time...who knew?

But for real, I can definitely feel my clothes getting a little tighter around my tummy and I can see the back fat through my workout shirt and I see some jiggling going on in the tush area.

Well, today is Monday so I'm good...let's see how I'm living life by Thursday.

Any tips?
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