Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"What If"

I'm having some feelings about the actuality of growing our family.  It's been just the three of us for so long.  Now I know that I'm biased, but Isabella is awesome.  She's smart and funny and just full of life and spunk.  Now don't get me wrong she has her moments where she's a whiny cry baby and she can throw a fit with the best of them, but she really is just a joy and I love her so so so much.

What if this next kid is a dud?

Seriously, what if it's stupid or ugly or obnoxious?  What if I don't love it as much as I love her?  Will the love be split or does it grow?

I've been assured that you love your second as much as your first, but I just can't see that right now.  Already the pregnancies have been so different.  When I was pregnant with Isabella I poured over nursery ideas.  I lovingly filled out a baby book.  I would spend hours looking at tiny clothes.  I would read to my stomach and listen to calming music.

This time it's not like that.  The nursery right now is a construction zone, the baby book is sitting somewhere in the flood ravaged basement, and I barely have any clothes because most gender neutral clothes are really just awful.  Reading to your stomach and listening to whales is just lame and I'd never do that again regardless.  I just don't have the time to focus on this pregnancy the way I did when I was pregnant with Isabella.  But the thing is, is that I don't even really feel guilty about that.

Our family of 3 and I need to start wearing my weave pretty!

I also wonder how Isabella will react to having a baby brother or sister.  I worry more if it's a boy because I know she really wants a sister.  She's been the center of attention for so long and now the whole paradigm is about to shift.  I know in the long run giving her a sibling is an amazing gift, but I'm more concerned with the short term.  Will she feel jealous?  Left out?  Will she know that I could never imagine loving her less?  Will she even care?

I don't know what the future will bring, but I'm definitely feeling the reality, and a bit of anxiety, set in about another baby in the house.


Jo said...

I think it is pretty normal to have these thoughts. Cause lets face it, having a family of four is something you don't know anything about. But trust me, the moment they put that baby in your arms everything will be fine! I don't know how it works but you'll see that you love this baby and you will not feel any different about Isabella. It is like magic!

From my own experience I can tell you that I found having a baby around a lot easier the second time around. I just felt less stressed. You know more, you've done it before so you stress less.
I don't think we had any major issues with Cat once Tiger came along. She got him a gift to take with to hospital the first time she saw him (he still has the teddy) and he had a gift for her. I also made sure that I still spent one on one time with her, just the two of us. Thankfully we were living in South Africa at that stage to I had my entire extended family around to give her extra attention. So, if you can let your family spoil her just a little bit extra.

But most of all, just know that you are not a freak to be wondering about these things - and Mrs Petrillo will be fine, with or without a baby book

Kaymee said...

I have all those feelings already, and I'm not even pregnant with #2 yet! Like you said, you're giving her the best gift. A sibling. A friend for life. It will all work out :)

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Based solely on my experience, everything you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. I've found that the love I have for my kiddos is different, but equal. My love for Leila didn't faulter at all with the birth of Landon, but I love them each in very deep, but different ways. I don't know how to explain it exactly. And stop worrying if #2 is going to be a dud! Even if he/she is, it won't matter to you because they'll still be the apple of your eye. I promise. As for fear over how Isabella will react, that too was my biggest concern. You just really have to try to continue to make time for her, even right after baby is born. The day we came home from the hospital, Andy's parents were at our house and they watched Landon while Andy, Leila, and I took our dog on a walk around the block. We were only gone 10 minutes, but it was still nice to show her that we still have time just for her. And I made sure she was VERY involved in the care of her brother - she loved it! Everything will turn out fine, I promise!

Heathers Happenings said...

I had the same fears when I was pregnant with my second. There is a 9 year difference between my kids and I was so scared my son would feel jealous and left out. And he is autistic and I just didn't know how he would feel. But once he laid eyes on his baby sister all my fears was gone. He just adores her and tells her he will always protect her.

Vicki M. Taylor said...

You are having absolutely NORMAL thoughts. I've had 3 kids and now 3 grandchildren. You don't have to worry about loving one more than the other. Your love embraces every child and expands to include all of them. Good luck with your decision. Whatever you decide, it will be for the best of all of you.

bikebanjoandbabyblog said...

I think those are probably normal thoughts. And I'm sure your daughter will be thrilled to be a big sister. Best of luck!

OneMommy said...

I had a hard time getting excited about my second child at first -- I felt guilty b/c I was afraid my oldest would have to grow up faster... So many emotions.

Now I can't picture it any other way.

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