Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Coming Undone

I think I'm inching towards a nervous breakdown.  Like, bust out the pad locks, straight jacket, and rubber walls.  Things just seem so out of my control that I'm having a hard time holding on.  As much as I try to be laid back and carefree, I'm not.  I'm type A.  I'm a perfectionist.  I need to have some semblance of control.  Or else I feel like I'm spiraling in on myself and coming completely undone.

That's right about where I'm at right now.

Andy and I have been arguing lately.  We're not a "fighting" couple.  We bicker over not putting the laundry away (him) or putting something where the other can't find it (me), but it's just your usual run of the mill, married-with-kids, tiffs.  Nothing serious.  Nothing more than an eye roll when the other isn't looking. But lately things have been a touch more serious.

Last weekend, I had really had it with him not cleaning up his clutter and we had a huge blow out about how he thinks I'm a nag and how sometimes when I act like that it makes him despise me (ouch) and how he doesn't help out enough with the house work and how I work just as many hours as he does.  You know how this goes.  It becomes the "I do more than you- No you don't I'm more awesome" argument.  Perhaps you've had one yourself?  Perhaps more than once?  I went to bed completely pissed off and we barely spoke the entire next day.

We talked it out and had an amazing week where we were really considerate of each other and he really helped me out a lot, but then this past Sunday we got in another huge fight.  I made a comment about him working on the weekends and he got super defensive and nasty and then I got really upset.  He knows what buttons to push on me and then acts surprised when I have a reaction.  He calls me crazy and I get defensive.

Again, I stormed out of the room in tears and locked myself in my room.  This was actually the first time where we fought in front of Isabella and I'm most certainly not proud of that.  This was also the first time in a long time that I haven't been able to shake it.  Things are better now, but I don't like two big fights in a row.  I like to space them out, like pap smears.

Then there's the situation of the nursery (fyi, I hate the word nursery, it's just easier than constantly typing out "the baby's room").  We've lived in this house for almost 3 months and while I understand that there was a ton of work to be done, some of that work should have been syphoned off into that room.

I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I haven't had the opportunity to put away tiny baby clothes or to sit in the glider imagining how I want to decorate the room or set up the changing table the way I like it.  It makes me sad that it probably won't get done until the very last moment.

You can't put a baby in that construction zone of death.

I'm stressed out at work with all the grading and pressures of standardized tests and this is just one of those times where I feel like I'm barely holding it together.


Rabia said...

Stopped by from SITS. All I can offer is a virtual {{{hug}}}. Being pregnant magnifies everything else that is bothering you. I hope you get things evened out soon!

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Um, Andy & I have had that fight on more than one occasion - it's the worst because it gets you nowhere and you both end up feeling like crap. I will say that hiring someone to come clean our house every 2 weeks has done wonders for our marriage - it may be worth budgeting for! My life has been crap lately, too. Just know you aren't alone!

Tamara Camera said...

I think my husband and I had our worst fights during my second pregnancy last year. I won't say everything is sunshine and daisies all of the time, but it's been smoother lately. Wishing you the best!

Ilene, The Fierce Diva Guide to Life said...

I hope that life feels move even soon. I agree with Rabia - after three pregnancies of my own I totally know how much pregnancy magnifies things and my emotions and probably never fought with my hubs more! It's an emotional time to begin with without the outside stress!

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