Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Pregnancy Dictionary

There's a certain vernacular that pregnant women use.  I'm sure you can relate to many of these terms and phrases that accompany us during our 9 month sentence journey.

Lightening Crotch: the feeling you get when your baby kicks or head butts your cervix.  It feels like a lightening bolt hitting you right in the lady bits.

Snail Trail:  The extra discharge you get that leaves a gross line in your underwear or literally pastes your thong to your ass cheek.  That should be the first sign to stop wearing thongs.

Bag of Worms:  this is when the varicose veins in your legs go rogue and travel up to your vulva resulting in your vagina feeling like a bag of worms is hanging out of it.  This term was coined by my cousin Nicole who also suffered this phenomenon during her pregnancies.  Shout out to Nicole's vagina.

The Pregnancy Fast:  You eat like a beast all month, but on the day of your doctor's appointment you eat a salad and half a banana so you're skinny when you get weighed in.  You also wear the least amount of clothing possible so you basically look like a pregnant prostitute wearing flip flops in a snow storm because they weigh less.

The Barbie Smile: People give you well meaning, but unsolicited, advice or tell you horror stories about birth/delivery and you just have to sit there with this fake ass smile plastered on your face because you really don't give a shit.

The Backhanded Compliment: These are the comments you get that make you feel like crap, but the speaker thinks he or she hasn't completely offended you.  Many times I get "Oh you must be having a boy because you're all belly and when you were pregnant with your daughter you were all over the place."  So apparently I was a beast during my last pregnancy and no one told me.

The Not So Backhanded Compliment: "Are you sure you're not having twins?"  "Wow you got so big?"  Argo fuck yourself.

I'm sure you can relate!  Any phrases you've used during pregnancy?


Babes Mami said...

The Barbie smile continues once they get out too. I figured, I already have one kid so maybe people will leave me the hell alone with the second one. Didn't happen.

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