Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Ten Worst Things About Being Pregnant

Having a baby is wonderful.  Being pregnant...not at all as glamorous as Kim K. makes it out to be.  Even if you like being pregnant (I'm hearing these women actually exist), you can't like the whole 9 months.  You can't.  It's just not possible.  Here's my list of the top ten worst things about being pregnant.  I'm capping the list at 10 as a measure to avoid the hate e-mail from "those moms".

1.  Queasy much?

It sucks when the smell of a chicken on a farm 8 miles away can make you toss your cookies.  That first trimester made me think of college when I'd cling to the bed and make empty promises to God that if He just let me throw up I'd never drink again.  The only difference is I didn't have the drunken evening prior to make it worth while.  Nope.  Just a lot of nauseau.

2.  Mood Swings

I may have started out a little chemically imbalanced and pre-disposed to being bat shit crazy, but once you infuse me with pregnancy hormones I can really go off the deep end.  I really thought I was going to punch Andy in the face the other day.  He totally would have deserved it, but I felt my body get hot and my fists clenched and I had to run into the bedroom and cry for 2 hours just to keep myself from physically harming him.  Crazy right?  I also get really sad if there's no more Cadbury cream eggs and very angry if all the dishes are done except one.

3.  Weight Gain

I hate seeing the number on the scale go up.  Hate it.  I know it's supposed to and I know that there's nothing I can do about it, but I get a pit in my stomach when I have to get weighed in at the doctor's office.

4.  Aches and Pains

My feet hurt.  My back hurts.  It feels like my vagina is going to fall off.

5.  BOOBS

I know that most women love the fuller breasts that pregnancy provides, but I was really busty to begin with.  They're huge.  They spill out of my bra and they're all National Geographical.  Plus they are heavy, which contributes to my back pain (see #4).  I'm seriously thinking of hiring Peter Dinklage to carry them around for me.  The bra's aren't helping and he's just the right height to help me out.  I can't ask a child to do it because of those pesky labor laws.

6.  Maternity Clothes

Some of them are cute and elastic waisted pants are never a bad thing, but after a while you get so sick of looking at them and at the end of pregnancy when even your maternity clothes don't fit, it's a really sad state.  And don't give me that hog wash about accessorizing.  No statement necklace is going to take away the fact that I've turned into some sort of beast.

7.  You Can't Drink

Drinking is fun.  You can have a glass of wine to unwind or an ice cold beer to catch a buzz, but not when you're pregnant.  Oh, it's a big no-no and even if you have a half glass of red every so often, it doesn't achieve its purpose.  You also can't go to bars without getting the side eye.

8.  Delivery

You've put that baby in your uterus and now you have to squeeze that 7 pounder out of your vaj hole or get it sliced out.  Good fucking luck with that one.

9.  Rude Comments

"You really popped"  "You sure you're gonna make it until May?"  "You're face didn't change at all this pregnancy, not like it did with your last one." Fuck you.  Fuck you. Fuck you.

10.  Redundancy 

When are you due?  How are you feeling?  What are you having?  Do you have any names picked out?  Fun and exciting to answer at first, but by month 6 or 7 you're ready just to hand out business cards with all the important info.

Did I miss anything?

8 comments:

MissH said...

Bahahaha I could have written this. I really would like to have another child, but just the thought of being preggo again kind of makes me want to gouge my eyes out. God it is miserable.

Kaymee said...

LOVE this! And the business card idea is quite genius!

Jo said...

You forgot to add the fact that random stranges seem to feel that they can touch your belly! Ugh that creeped me out!

Michelle Nahom said...

Hehehe! Too funny!! Your list definitely brought me back in time! Its a good thing that the end result is so wonderful!

The Dose of Reality said...

It definitely gets old, especially for the reasons you listed! I found that with my 2nd I actually enjoyed it more, but I think that was because I also knew it would be my last time.

Be-Quoted.com said...

High 5 to tossing maternity clothes straight out of the window! I hated them. I developed acid reflux the first 4 months of my pregnancy and just knew that I would die. I'm still here and my little one will be 3 in a week and a half! Yay to the best of pregnancy...having a bundle of joy in the end. Andrea @ be-quoted.com visiting from SITS.

Ilene, The Fierce Diva Guide to Life said...

I am always horrified at the things people say to you when you're pregnant - and what about the touching of the belly? That one always got me.

Dana @ Kiss My List said...

I had forgotten about all those things...hang in there! Now that I've nursed two kids, maybe Peter Dinklage could hold my boobs up just so they'd be perky again.

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