Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Second Time Around

Things have been so much easier this time around.  When Isabella was born I was all balled up about everything.  How to hold her, how to change a diaper, how to feed her, what to feed her.  I had my head up my ass half the time and I was beyond consumed with my own emotions and the transition from a twosome to a family of three.  I didn't enjoy much of Isabella's newborn time.  I'm sure if you scroll far enough back in this blog you won't have to search far to find posts of desperation and insecurity.

It was what it was.  I was young, inexperienced, and ill equiped emotionally to cope with the demands of new motherhood.  So I focused on the things that I could control.  I couldn't control the squalling infant, but I could keep my house spotless and fret over the laundry.  I could escape by having my mom babysit while I spent time with my friends.

This time things are different.  I'm much more relaxed.  I've completely abandoned my to-do list.  If the house is messy, so be it.  As long as it's not cluttered I can just chill.  I haven't cleaned anything except baby clothes in the past few weeks.  I'm not terrified of creating bad habits.  I know that I'm going to create bad habits and I also know that I can fix it later.  While I'll politely listen to advice that people give me, I know how to parent my child better than anyone else and I believe that now.

Things are much more lax around here.  Arya needs to get used to being toted around because her big sister has things that she needs to do and places she needs to get to.

I'm used to being tired.  I know what to expect from a newborn.  I also know that the newborn phase, while exhausting is just one very small piece of the puzzle.  It's over before you have a chance to blink, so instead of hating it and wishing it away, I'm trying my best to enjoy it because I know it's my last time around.  I'm trying to revel in the snuggles and the sweet smell and the soft skin and the tiny sighs. Time is fleeting and I know how fast it goes.  I know that 4 years ago Isabella was this small and now she's this walking, talking, sassy little kid who I can barely get to slow down long enough for a snuggle.

I can't wait to see how Arya's personality develops and see how her and her sister will interact.  But on the other side I want to just slow things down, to pause it because each day she grows a little bit older, a little bit bigger, a little bit closer to independence, and I'm not quite ready for that yet.

It's almost bizarre to see myself like this.  I was never "that mom" who cried as she packed away newborn clothes or who kept their baby sleeping in their bedroom for months. But now here I am, wishing that this baby phase would just stall out so I can remember all of it.  I've turned into quite the sap.


Angela said...

You touch on so many truths about motherhood the second time around. I have two girls too, 4 and 1. The "to do" list really is so easily tossed aside the second time and really care less about everyone s opinions. We write about similar things. Hope you can visit and follow me at http://glennbabies.blogspot.com. I m signing up to followyou and llooking forward to sharing stories of raising girls.

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