Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Laying It All Out There

This post will not be well written.  It will not be focused.  It will not be upbeat or positive.  This will be a post where I dump out every negative thought or feeling I have however trite or narcissistic or ridiculous they may be.  I need to write this post and I hope by the end of it I have the courage to hit "publish".

I am afraid.  I am afraid a lot.  I'm scared to leave the house to take some time to myself because I fear that if I'm away from my home, my children, that things will fall apart if I'm not there to hold them together.  Which is puzzling because most of the time I think I'm doing a pretty crappy job being a mom, especially lately.  There's a huge Barnes and Nobles near me and everyday I say that I want to go and browse, maybe grab a cup of coffee, by myself just a quick little visit to get some time where there isn't a small child on my person.  Every day Andy tells me to go...that he can handle the girls and everyday I make an excuse not to go.  I don't know why.  It's like I'm holding myself back with fear of nothing.  I get anxious when I'm away from my kids and it's not like I'm talking about taking a trip to Vegas, it's a trip to a book store that's about 5 minutes away from my house.  It's not like me.

I'm afraid when Andy is at work and I'm alone with the girls.  I'm afraid that I am going to fall apart, that I won't be able to meet the demands of both of them.  Arya's needs have to be met first, her needs are primal and time consuming.  It takes me about 30 minutes to nurse her and close to 20 minutes to rock her to sleep.  Unfortunately, when I'm doing that Isabella is watching television, playing on the computer or the iPhone.  That makes me feel guilty as hell because even after the baby is asleep, sometimes I'll put on a movie for her or let her keep playing just so I can have some time to myself.  She went from hardly no screen time, to hours of it per day.  I try and make sure that we're still getting outside to play or do a craft and Andy's been great at making sure he takes her places and we go swimming almost every afternoon during Arya's big nap, but I definitely rely way too much on television and electronics and I know it.

I feel isolated a lot of the time, even if there are people surrounding me.  I feel the loneliness.  I feel the absence real connections and friendships.  I feel the burden of taking care of two kids and a house and I'm not even back to work yet.  I feel really drained sometimes.

I feel guilty that I hardly ever read books to Arya or that I don't give her as much skin-to-skin as I'd like or that giving her tummy time is something that I barely remember to squeeze in at the end of the day.

Sometimes Isabella is just really so annoying, and I know you're not supposed to say that about your kids but she really can be so obnoxious.  I find myself getting very short with her and she can easily see my frustration, which makes me feel rotten because she's (mostly) such a good kid.  Andy's really hard on her and expects so much from her that I try to be her soft spot, but I can feel myself getting easily frayed at the seams and it's not fair to her because she's just a kid and she doesn't deserve the mother I've been the past month.

I'm so scared that I'm not strong enough to be a great mother to these two little girls.  I'm scared that I'm doing it all wrong.  I'm just scared.

I'm not sad though, I'm honestly pretty happy, this has just been an emotional time for me.


Angela said...

Hugs. I have been where you are. Motherhood is such an emotional rollercoaster. I write often about the ups and downs and worry about whether I should put it all out there. But I think the openness is good for us who do acknowledge the struggle and for those who read it.
Angela @ Time with A and N

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Everything you are feeling and writing about in this post is experienced by THOUSANDS of us moms. The only difference is that you are voicing it - you are sharing your feelings with the world. I guarantee every mom who reads this will relate to it. You are still very much in the adjustment stage of having 2 small kids and it will take some time to feel normal. And the screen time for Isabella is only temporary while Arya's needs are so demanding. One day at a time momma. And friggin just go to Barnes and Noble!! XOXO

Madonna said...

I'm with you. It was harder for us to go from one to two kids than it was going from none to one. Seriously.

I feel the same way you do many days. The freakin' constant rain in not helping lately either. So I've been justifying screen time with learning games to feel a tad better.

But honestly, I've learned to just leave the house. It will still be standing when I return. And I will have had the break that I needed. The break from the kids. House. Whatever. Go to the B+N! It will all be there when you get back, but it is ah-mazing to leave without the kids in tow. Seriously.

The girls said...

Reading this transported me back to three years ago. Everything you wrote, I experienced. At the time, I had no clue what was going on with me. Looking back, I see that I had some major anxiety. And I am still working on it to this day. It's a hard thing to deal with, but you can do it - and well. Hugs to you; you are doing an amazing job.

h_esquire said...

Here is an idea - could you ask for help getting out of the house? As in, ask a friend or a family member to take you to Barnes & Noble to be sure you get there?
You are not alone, you have your readers :)

Sheila Skillingstead said...

Every mother has felt that. The only one who hasn't is either a liar or Mary Poppins and remember she was a paid nanny. I felt what you feel when I had my daughters. I also had a bit of the I'm not worthies thrown in with the guilt. Maybe you could use some of this excellent writing in a novel about a young mother. Written in the first person as is popular now seems like its a fit with this blog. Enjoy and celebrate the days when you know it all worked. Evaluate and then let go of the days where you weren't mom of the year. Have a great day.

Melissa G. said...

Thank you so much for this comment. It meant a lot to me.

Estes Family Blog said...

Being a mom is hard, finding the best balance for your family is hard, but you will find it. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your girls know you love them. You are just going thru what every mom goes thru and they will still love you unconditionally, even on the not so good days.
Even if you don't leave the house, take time for yourself. Call a friend, call anyone and just talk. Hear their advice. Just make sure to call someone understanding and nonjudgmental or that will be a whole new battle for you.
This was my first time to your blog and I love the honesty in your post! I will be back to read more! Keep your head up will make it and you will figure it out!

Christy@SweetandSavoring said...

I can only imagine how tough motherhood must be at times. Hugs to you- opening up is absolutely scary (that, I know firsthand) but ultimately, it helps!

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