Sunday, September 22, 2013

All My Flaws

I'm not perfect.  Far from it.  Lately I've been acutely aware of all that I lack.  All my flaws.  Not in a dreary, Eyore, woe is me type of way, more like I was looking at myself from far away, except I have a front row seat.

I'm bordering on fat.  I know that I am.  I can see it in the width of my hips, the sag of my stomach.  It's not just the weight, but more my complete lack of self-control.  I diet and do weight watchers all week long and then one night on the weekend I completely gorge myself on food and alcohol that is terrible for me.  Every week.  I have a food hangover that sends me into a shame spiral and all I keep hearing is this food noise with me everywhere.  I can't get into the groove of exercising, so I don't want to pay money for a gym if I think I'm not gonna go.  None of my clothes fit, so I never feel like I look good.  I know what I need to do.  Stop eating crap and start eating healthy.  Why can't I do it?  I've done it before, but this time it's hard for me.  I don't know, but unless I want to spend a small fortune on new clothes I need to get myself together.

Do you ever annoy yourself?  Sometimes I really get on my own nerves.  When people talk about themselves or their kids, I always have to follow it up with a story of my own.  Not to one up them, just to show I understand with a similar story.  Maybe people don't want to hear about my kids, maybe they want to just tell a story of their own.  I catch myself doing it, and it annoys me while it's happening.

I feel very out of touch and out of the loop and like I'm always on the cusp of completely losing my shit.  So I'm self medicating with food, wine, and shopping.  I feel like a top spinning completely out of control.  I can feel myself becoming fat and lazy and a loser.  I never wear makeup, my hair is always in a ponytail, and I wish I could just crawl into the bags under my eyes and hide for a bit.

I know it won't always be like this.  I'll get where I want to be, I just don't know when or how.


Madonna said...

I could have written the same post today - everything from the healthier lifestyle, to the clothing, to all of it. I thought that summer would motivate me. I thought that moving would motivate me. But nothing has motivated me to change anything about this suck-ass year. And lately, I've been feeling one whiny, "Mom, he bit me" away from losing my shit.

So here's to not being perfect, but hopefully having something "click" to make us get to where we want to be. And knowing that you are not alone in this constant struggle. I am sure it will get better at some point, right?! Please, before they are 18!

Our story said...

This might be a tad too personal to say on here but have you possibly considered that you might have postpartum depression? Every time I read one of your posts I sit back and think I said the exact same thing after my daughter. It got to a point where I got so out of control I broke down and had to see someone. Granted everyone has shitty days but it seems you have been having a lot. Obviously you know yourself and emotions better than anyone reading this but I've grown very fond of your blogs and wanted to express my concerns for the writer of one of my favorite blogs. Hope things turn around!

Kim Turner said...

I'm always in on the wine and shopping part!!!

Some days are just hard!! And having really young kids is rough - hang in there!!!

Thanks for visiting my site from SITS!

misssrobin said...

Yeah, I'm feeling this post, too. Ugh. Why is it so hard to do the healthy things I've done so many times before? And why can't I just shut up and listen more often?

I believe this phase will pass and things will get better. When that will be, I have no idea.

I hope the clouds clear for you soon and you can get back on top of things in a way that brings you peace within yourself. I hope the same for me.

Good luck to both of us!

Kate said...

Oh no Melissa :( I'm sorry you are feeling like this.
It sounds to me like you could do with taking up some regular exercise to help with your feelings and also to start controlling your weight if it's becoming an issue. You don't need a gym membership - have you considered home workout DVDs, running or just going for a long walk every morning/evening?

Kate | Diaries of an Essex Girl

Lisa Witherspoon @ The Golden Spoons said...

So sorry you are feeling this way right now. I have been there and I get it. My youngest is 6 and I am still struggling to get to a weight where I'm content. As another commenter said, if it is really bad, you might consider whether you have PPD and talk to your doctor.

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Sad face. :( I too annoy myself on the regular. As for being fat, I highly doubt that. You just had a baby crazy! Go easy on yourself. But I so completely agree that you need to get some exercise. I never believed all the fluff about it making you feel happier and all that until I started working out regularly. Sure, I still make excuses not to do it, but now I really know that if I just go I'll feel so so so good. Life sucks sometimes.

Drama Queens Mum (Kimberly) said...

I've been trying to eat healthier & am seeing a nutritionist, It's so hard. The cooler weather makes me want to bake.

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