Monday, September 2, 2013

Low

I'm having a rough time lately.  Not for any particular reason, probably just because I'm two stops away from crazy town on a good day and sleep deprivation tends to take me a bit over the edge.

I feel like such a lazy slacker lately.  Arya's naps are so short and I only have a 30-45 minute window to really give all my time to Isabella, but honestly I'm so lazy that I really don't want to.  I'd rather zone out playing Candy Crush or throw in a load of laundry and I feel so guilty about it, but I still don't do anything about it.

I could easily leave Arya with my mom or with Andy and take Isabella someplace fun, just her and I, but I'm too lazy to lug the pump around and I'm out of places to go.  We've done the zoo, aquarium, Sesame Place, park a bunch of times, out for ice cream, and I'm all burnt out.

I like to go places as a family, but Arya hates the car.  She screams so bad that she spits up.  She doesn't hate the car seat, she's fine when we go for walks, but she hates the car.  I feel like a damned prisoner.

I'm just zapped for energy.  Newborns are squishy and adorable, but they consume so much energy.  I feel like all I do is nurse, rock to sleep, change diapers, over and over, day in and day out, lather, rinse, repeat.  It doesn't leave much time for Isabella and I need to change that.

Facebook is great for a lot of things, like keeping up with that girl I went to grammar school with that I haven't seen or spoken to in over a decade and probably never will again, but what it's not good for is that it makes you compare your life.  I see people with their kids going all these fun places, to boardwalks, the beach, the park, the zoo, play dates, all these fun places while I spend my summer melding into my couch watching the sunshine pour in through the windows while Andy and Isabella play in the pool.  It's depressing.

I've maybe seen my friends 3 times the whole summer.  My cousin Christie and I used to be bff's in another life, now she's in Italy and I thought she was leaving the following week and I didn't even get to talk to her before she left.  I can't muster my get up and go.

I feel like my life revolves around my boobs.  Feeding the baby, missing a feeding and pumping for the baby, storing up milk for when I go back to work, when am I gonna pump, where am I gonna pump, not drinking so I don't get the baby drunk.  It's all consuming sometimes and I wonder if this is my fate for the rest of the year or if I'll get a respite from my own obsession.  In that regard, I also use breastfeeding as an all purpose mothering tool.  If I don't know what's wrong with the baby I whip out a boob which sometimes makes her spit up and I have no idea if I'm doing this whole mothering thing right.  We're nowhere near being on any form of schedule.  We have a loose routine and even that goes up in the air most of the time.  Sometimes she's a dream and sometimes she's a nightmare.  That's all par for the course, but it gets so redundant and frustrating at times.

I think the bulk of it is that I'm not working.  I'm a person who thrives on routine.  Even in prior summers when I'm off from work I always had a routine down.  Wake up - breakfast- get dressed- gym - lunch- pool - shower- dinner.  Twice a week I'd make sure Isabella and I would do something fun like a play date or a museum or something.  This year things are completely up in the air and I've had an extended summer vacation because I had off for maternity leave.  I haven't worked a full day (out of this house) since May 13.  I know I'm lucky to have had so much time home with my littles, but I am so ready to go back to work, to get back into my routine, to interact with adults.

I've also never been this fat before.  Never.  I have never seen this number on the scale outside of pregnancy and I hate how I've let myself go.  I was doing really great, losing weight, eating healthy, running again, but then I completely binged out on bad food, especially on vacation and I gained a bunch of weight back.  None of my clothes fit and I feel so disgusted with myself.  I look at myself in the mirror and I barely recognize myself.  I'm embarrassed to go back to work looking like this.

Andy's also been working a lot.  He's taking practically every overtime shift that comes his way.  It's too much.  I know we need the money, but there are more important things than money.  Honestly, I'm starting to resent him a bit.  I feel like when he is home he's just like "I'm going to the store" or "I'm gonna spend two hours mowing the grass" or "I'm going to the gym".  But my chores and my needs are always on the back burner.  He's usually so good, but lately, I don't know, there's some sort of disconnect and it's chipping away.

There's no real purpose to this post other than to kind of dump out all of the negative feelings I've had lately.  Sometimes I just need to get them out to make them smaller.

6 comments:

Angela said...

I have two girls and am a teacher as well. So much of what you say I remember feeling or sometimes even still feeling here almost two years after the birth of my second daughter. My second daughter was soooo much more difficult than my first. The second is so much harder on your body and relationship than the first too. It s just really tough and hard sometimes, and social media doesn't help because it makes us compare and feel like we re notdoing something right. Hang in there.
Angela @ Time with A & N

Katie said...

Oh I feel like I could have written this exact post right now! I have a 3 year old son & almost 6 week old twin boys. I am a nurse and went from working full time to bed rest while pregnant. I haven't really been out of my house since May/June and I am SO ready to go back to work part time.

I love my boys more than anything, but I am doing everything for all 3 of them most days while my husband works (including all night feedings). What is it about men when they get home they find stuff to do that is always outside? We need a break, too. Being a parent 24/7 is hard work. Especially when you have fussy babies and fussy toddlers.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in what you are going through and how you are feeling. I think everyone likes to put forth their best and make it appear like everything is perfect, but in reality I just don't think that is true. I have had to stop trying to compare myself to these pinterest-crafting-moms who act like everything is all puppies and rainbows. Sorry for the long post. Hang in there! I am hopeful for you & myself that things will get better when we are able to get out around adults at work and have a better balance!

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

You will feel so much better once you are in a better routine and once the weather shifts to fall! Then you have a very valid excuse for hunkering in. :) To me it sounds like you've done a ton of fun stuff with Isabella! Don't beat yourself up. And I totally get ya on the whole Facebook thing, but look at it this way: social media is a dumping ground for everyone's happy fun moments. So of course it's a breeding ground for jealousy and comparison! I fall into its trap all the time. Hang in there girl! And make yourself get some daily except use because you will feel so much better!

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Excercise. Not except use. Stupid auto correct. :) XOXO

Ariel @ Dreams To Do said...

Exercise. What is wrong with me!? Ha!

Brittnei Washington said...

Wow it was pretty tough when I had my son at the beginning. I can remember dishes sitting there for days a couple of times and my husband actually saying something to me. He's no where near being a neat freak so you know it had to be that bad lol. I can't imagine what it will be like with 2 though. I really want to get pregnant again and this is the second post that is sort of making me prepare my mind for how tough it could be some days. I'm glad you were able to vent. You sound like a wonderful mom. You are right...that newborn stage can be just tough. It will be over before you know it! :)

XoXo,
Brittnei
http://homemakingwithstyle.blogspot.com

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