Tuesday, September 30, 2014

#Awkward

If I could describe myself in one word it would most definitely be AWKWARD.  You might not know it to look at me or if you interacted with me, but inside I am a hot mess of awkward energy.  This becomes abundantly clear when I have to do something outside of my comfort zone...like going to a PTA meeting.

I have terrible social anxiety.  BUT I'm totally willing to put that shit aside if I think pushing my boundaries will help my kids.  So I joined the PTA.  I know right?  So not my thing.  But I did it anyway so I can be involved in her school and know what's going on.  I'm always scared I'm going to get lost or not know where to go or that someone will talk to me and I'll have to keep on the conversation or that no one will talk to me and I'll be sitting there like a big dumb dummy.

It really wasn't that bad.  I was a little awkward, but I pushed through.  I even made a somewhat friend, or at least someone to keep me from looking like a big dumb dummy.


Then I had to go to back to school night alone...curses on Andy's midnight schedule.  It's just hard for me to break into groups where the women already know each other.  Either from growing up together in this neighborhood or having older siblings already in school together.  I didn't grow up here and to say that the women in this neighborhood are very, ummm, different from the women in the neighborhood where I grew up is an understatement.

Back home in Brooklyn, at least when I lived there, were a little more real and down to earth and a lot less materialistic.  We moved here for the neighborhood, but it's just a very different vibe.  Plus a lot of the mothers are much much much older.  Like where you have to kind of scratch your head wondering if they're the kid's mother or grandmother.  Not that there's anything wrong with that I'm just wondering how much we'll have in common.

I'm also pushing my limits by inviting Isabella's classmates to a Halloween party that I'm hosting.  My friends at work nearly crapped their pants when I told them I was doing this because I generally panic at the thought of talking to strangers.  But Isabella is going to be in school with these kids for years, so I want to make sure I'm at least quasi friendly with the moms so she gets invited to play dates and stuff.

Oh the things we do for our kids.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Back in the Swing of Things

I've written a lot about how rough this summer has been for me, with Andy's work schedule and Arya's incessant nursing.  But now that I'm back to work I'm in a much better space.  Sad as it may be I have to admit that I am a much happier person and a much more relaxed mother when I'm working.

Getting dressed and out of the house each day is something that I know that I need.  Some days with the little witch this summer that just wasn't possible.  I come home and even though I'm stressed about work and frazzled from the commute, once I'm here I'm here.  I'm attentive and I like to play.  We make dinner and do homework and have dance parties and do crafts.

I have my little routine back.  Come home play, make dinner, do baths and bedtime, workout, watch TV with Andy.  I look forward to my weekends at home and my time off.

Some women were meant to stay at home and I give them all the credit in the world.

And some women were meant to work and I also give them all the credit in the world.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Weaned

I can now officially say that Arya is weaned.  I haven't nursed her in over a week.  It's been a lot easier than I anticipated.  She's asked a few times, but I just tell her that she's a big girl and try to redirect her.  Even at night she's been so good without nursing to sleep or having her bottle.  Such a big girl!  She even started sleeping through the night.  It only took 16 months, but better late than never.

I was a little emo at first, what with that being my last physical connection to her and that being my last baby to nurse, but its been for the best.  She's eating more, sleeping better, and our bond is just as strong.

I officially have my body 100% back to myself.  It's freeing and a little bit sad at the same time.  It's like the end of my baby era.

No more boobies for this beast!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

21 Day Fix

So I'm putting my Focus T25 on a three week hiatus while I try out the 21 Day Fix.  I've been really excited to try this program because it really targets nutrition and portion control with 30 minute workout routines.


So basically you get a set of DVD's with 9 workouts.  Most are 30 minutes long but there is a 10 minute ab fix.  You also get a detailed eating plan that focuses around these little tupperware containers, which is good because I could eat a mountain of food if left unchecked.

Based on my weight I get to eat:

3 greens (veggies)
4 red (protein)
2 purple (fruits)
2 yellow (starches/carbs)
1 blue (cheese/hummus/nuts/etc)
1 orange (oil/seeds)
2 tsp (nut butters)

You can drink tea and coffee (no fatty creams or syrups) and wine and treats are ok (3x's a week and you swap it out for a yellow...bummer because I love my yellow)

I thought I'd be super starving and hungry and grumpy because I love to snack and eat cheese and have sweets, but I'm actually keeping really full.  I'm still craving sweets, but I'm just starting and they say it takes 21 Days to break a habit.

My Focus T25 challenge group is going strong and I'm starting a 21DF one on September 29th, so I'd say the beachbody coaching thing is going pretty good so far!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Surviving September

September has me nearly ripping my hair out.  I thrive on the routine, structure, and adult conversation that going back to work brings BUT let's not forget that my full time job involves me being around a whole lot of kids most of the day.  Kids will eat your brains...or at least turn them into mush.


September is a crazy month as everyone slides back into their routines and adjusts.  As an extra add on bonus, Isabella is in Kindergarten which comes with meetings and homework and deadlines and a whole bunch of papers to sort through every single day.

My job in September is a verifiable crap storm.  I'm trying to acclimate 30 3rd graders who spent their summer forgetting everything they learned in 2nd grade.  I'm trying to get bulletin boards up, beginning of the year assessments graded, and answering a million silly questions a day (when I get to the bottom of my notebook page, should I turn the page?).

Plus trying to figure out how my workouts are fitting in (usually after bedtime) and getting Isabella back and forth to gymnastics and dance class.  Poor Arya doesn't have much in the way of goings on around here.  Although she does make everything interesting.

How are you surviving your September?

Monday, September 15, 2014

My Last Drop

Since I've been back at work I've really decided to put my foot down when it comes to weaning.  Basically the entire month of August Arya has had her head attached to my boob.  I was starting to resent her because it was just getting to be too much.  Too much physically, emotionally, and mentally. It was affecting me from spending time with Isabella because Arya was always wanting to nurse, plus she wasn't eating as much because she was just filling up on milk.

Now I know that the World Health Organization recommends nursing until 2, but I was ready to stop.  So once I went back to work after summer vacation it just seemed like the most logical time to stop.  She doesn't get bottles anymore, so when I would get home from work she would run to me on her chubby little legs and say "Nurse."  It was hard to tell her no because she's so innocent and sweet and I know it makes her so happy, but I swallowed my mommy guilt and just tried to redirect her.  It worked better than I thought.  There were a few tears and a few protests, but for the most part she was ok.

At this point we were down to just one nursing session per day.  Just the night time feeding.  Andy and I have been toying with ideas on when and how to drop it, since we're both pretty much terrified of Arya's sleeping habits (if you can call what she does sleep).  This week is a really busy week for me.  Parent-Teacher Conference (mine), PTA meeting (Isabella's), work happy hour, a birthday play (I hate weeks like this where there's something every single day!) so I won't be home for bedtime a few night, so we're thinking that this is the time to do it.

I nursed her to sleep tonight.  It was, more than likely (I never commit to anything) the last time.  I thought I would be relieved, and a part of me was, but there's also a slight sense of grief.

I will never nurse Arya again.  I will never nurse a baby again.  This part of my life is over.

I am no longer supporting Arya with my body.  With my heart yes, with my arms, yes, but not physically.  It's my last connection to babies and this era of childhood.  I'm so glad that I was able to do this for so long and that I was able to have this bond with her.  16 months, I nursed that baby for, and tonight I dripped my last drop.

I read an article called The Last Drop that summed it up in a way that I just can't.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Setting Goals

I've been thinking and reading about goal setting and I think it's important to set clear goals and think about the steps you need to take to achieve those goals.  And while this may not be so super interesting to you, I think it's good for me to get it down on paper.

Blog

1.  I'd like to transfer my blog from blogger to wordpress.  I plan on doing this by saving up the money I earn from writing to have someone make the switch.

2.  Write about more aspects of my life- pushing the limits and not writing about just what is "safe" or will get me the least amount of backlash.

Beachbody

1.  I'd really like to take my beachbody coaching to the next level.  I can do this by continuing to share my fitness journey.  Trying to run challenge groups and inviting people to try the products.  This is hard for me because I have massive social anxiety, even social media anxiety, but I'm really trying to hard to come out of my comfort zone because this is important to me.

2.  I'd like to become an Emerald Coach.  This means that I would have to sign two coaches myself.  Again, hard for me because I'm not very forthcoming.

Personal

1.  I'd like to start decorating my house the way I want.  I'll probably have to wait until Arya stops painting things with her yogurt.

2.  Calming the fuck down- I get really balled up and stressed out and I need to find a way to access some inner peace.

What are your goals?

Thursday, September 4, 2014

We Survived Kindergarten

What, what!  Isabella's first day of school was a total success.  She made three friends, she played outside, she loves her gym teacher, she made a craft, they read a story, a little girl tried to push in front of her on line, Isabella pushed her back, then they sat together at lunch.  Fun times!

She likes her teacher, so far none of the kids are fresh, and she got to eat lunch in the big cafeteria with the BIG kids (1st and 2nd graders).

If anyone needs me I'll be buried under a giant pile of paperwork.  Apparently kindergarteners require a lot of paperwork!

Please excuse the grainy cell phone picture, my mom took it and she's  kind of a dumb ass when it comes to these things.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The Night Before Kindergarten

Tomorrow is Isabella's first day of Kindergarten!  I know I said that I was ready and that I wasn't upset about this milestone, and I'm not, BUT tonight when I was tucking her into bed I did get a little emotional about the significance of this journey.

I'm not an emotional person when it comes to things like this.  I don't cry when packing up newborn clothes or lament the passing of bottles.  But this one got me a little bit.

Because she's big.  Because she's ready.  Because she's one step further away from me.  One step closer towards independence.  Because I'm a little bit worried.

There's such a fire and spark inside her.  She's so curious and loving and headstrong.  I hope she has a teacher who fans those flames and doesn't diminish it.  I hope she corrects her gently and encourages her creativity.  I hope she pays special attention to my girl, who is so quiet sometimes and so good that she can fade into the background.  I hope her teacher lets her shine bright.  You know...like a diamond.

I can't wait to hear all about her first day!  Hope all your kiddos are having a smooth transition back to school.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Summing Up Summer

Summer 2014 has been kind of a mixed bag for me.  I love the freedom and easy going nature of summer, not having to rush around in traffic or set up my breakfast/lunch/coffee the night before.  I like having the days free to do what I want with my littles.  However, it was also extremely difficult with Andy working all the time because Arya is at the age where, although she's a lot of fun and her personality is exploding, she's into everything and everything she's into is deadly.  For example, eating rocks, climbing on the coffee table, using her step stool to try and dance on the window sill.  Crazy stuff.

I felt like I didn't do as much as I normally do in the summer time because it's just so much work to make sure she's not getting into something she shouldn't and still keep an eye on Isabella.  I also feel like I didn't have people over as much this year because she's still all about the nursing and why bother inviting people over so they can watch me chase around my baby?

There have been times of super happiness...like our vacation to Ocean City and trips to Sesame Place and big family BBQ's and evening dance parties.



There have been times of annoyance...chasing Arya around the pool so she doesn't fall in the deep end because she will not under any circumstance sit in her tube thingy that I bought her, nursing all morning because it's the only thing that keeps her happy when she's teething, following her up and down the ladder of the play set in our backyard because she doesn't want to go on the baby one.

And there have been times of extreme sadness and loneliness...like when Andy worked 6 straight overtimes in a row when Arya was cutting her back molar.  When I was so frazzled and so sad to keep the girls inside for a few days because I just couldn't muster up the energy to take them somewhere.


It's been a summer of happiness, guilt, loneliness, frustration, silliness, and peace.  Next summer Arya will be 2 so it should be easier in some respects, but harder in others.

I'm sad to be going back to work, but I thrive in that structure so once I hit my stride I know I'll be fine.

How was your summer?